Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Best Fashion Accessory To Tell The World That Although You Are Smart And All, You Are Still Sexy (Tina Fey Excluded).

Here's something you almost never hear: I'm having a Lisa Loeb-y kind of day. Good days, bad days, days when everything smells kind of like cherry Pop-Tarts, sure -- we've all had those kinds of days, but Lisa Loeb-y days?

Okay, well, there you go. That's the kind of day I'm having, and it does, at least, beat the cherry-Pop-Tart day; those days (I have too many of them) are annoying, cherry-filled, and kind of worrisome, too, because I get to thinking what if there really are so many cherry Pop-Tarts that the whole world smells like them? That can't be good? But the alternative is that I'm experiencing (frequently) some kind of smell-lucination, and that's not good, either.

I'm having a Lisa-Loeb-y day because on the way into work this morning I saw a girl wearing Lisa Loeb glasses, which you astute readers have now guessed is today's nomination (are today's nomination? Is "glasses", are "glasses" singular or plural? They should be singular, shouldn't they? I mean, there's only one pair of glasses on Lisa Loeb's face, but then, there it is right in the phrase: pair of glasses. The glasses-unit is a singular, thing, though. Is there anything besides "pants" and "glasses" that is a singular thing but which we still refer to in the plural?)

(Yes, there is: swim trunks.)

After I saw this girl wearing Lisa Loeb glasses, I started pondering whether Lisa Loeb would be famous at all if it wasn't for her glasses, and then I started pondering whether Lisa Loeb's glasses were in the same league as The Rachel, as another celebrity accoutrement that changed history the way we know it, and then I started wondering what Lisa Loeb was up to, and then I started writing this and then I started wondering why "glasses" and "pants" and "swim trunks" are plural but, say, "sweaters" aren't, even though metaphysically speaking, there's no difference between a "sweater" and a "pair of pants." If pants are a "pair" because they've got two legs in them, then why aren't sweaters a "pair" because they've got two arms?

With that, you've now got an idea why I never get anything done at "work." That is, I never get anything done which my boss would want me to do; I get tons of things accomplished at work, like finding out just what Lisa Loeb's been up to (recording a song about the 11 planets "science" claims exist) and then pondering what the implications are of Lisa's glasses and whether they have cosmological significance or are just a neat fashion accessory.

And the verdict is: neat fashion accessory. Sorry, Lisa, and Lisa-wannabes, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em, and while the glasses tell a little message and all, they don't carry the same cultural significance that Jennifer Aniston's hairstyle did -- they didn't change the entire course of history or anything. They just serve to send a handy message to guys and gals looking at you, and that message is (as the title to this nomination says) that Although You Are Smart And All, You Are Still Sexy (Tina Fey Excluded).

A word about that: Tina Fey is excluded from this category because she's not sexy, and I'm not all that sure she's smart either; I'm convinced that Tina Fey falls into the same category as Diablo Cody, and that category is "People Who Get Lots of Credit For Really Nothing Except Maybe Parroting Back Culture." I'm not even sorry to say it: making up pseudo-catchy dialogue and throwing in a hamburger phone while totally ignoring every interesting character or plot point in a movie, and then making jokes about New Kids On The Block in Entertainment Weekly, does not equal "talent," not any more than "wryly" "riffing" with Martin Scorcese on the disparate levels of your fame as signified by the fact that he gets to go where he wants and you have to use an American Express card to achieve the same effect equals talent. Plus, Ellen did it better with Beyonce.

But all the other women in the world who wear Lisa Loeb-y glasses, you are sending a message and you're sending exactly the message you intended when you picked out those glasses, the message (again) being "Yes, Smart, but also Sexy" and that message being best conveyed by these glasses.

Let's face it; there's not really any way for women to convey being smart in a sexy way other than these glasses. There are plenty of ways for women to convey being sexy -- short skirts, skimpy tops, pulling your shirt down to reveal a bra in an effort to get Disney to release you from your contract so that you can begin making real money, existing in general.

There are ways that women can convey being "smart," too, but most of those ways directly contradict "sexy." A woman could show that she's smart by being elected the Prime Minister of England, or becoming Secretary of State in the US (the highest ranking position a woman is allowed to have under our Constitution, I believe) or coining the word "radioactivity," but none of those lead the mind directly down the path to, as Vince Vaughn might say, getting hopped enough to make some bad decisions.

The only way to do that, the only way to show "Sexy + Smart" is to hide the sexy behind the smart and let the sexy peek out, something that has to be done because if the sexy is right up front, it'll override the smart, anyway; nobody knows, or cares, if Cindy Crawford was good at math, do they? No, they don't. Cindy Crawford might have discovered the Unified Field Theory, and nobody would notice because they'd be too busy googling topless photos of her.

So to make sure that women get credit for being smart and sexy, the smart has to be front and center, and the sexy has to be waiting around the corner, with the Lisa Loeb glasses as the best, and only, means of doing that. These glasses say "I'm smart," because everyone knows that only smart people wear glasses-- they have to wear glasses because they wore their eyes out from reading all those books and stuff -- but they also say "And I'm secure enough in my looks to wear glasses that would detract from my looks and reduce my general level of attractiveness, except that underneath them I'm so hot that they actually have the opposite effect."

The message, then, is clear: glasses should be singular.

No, wait, the message is there are 11 planets.

Let me try again: The message is: Women, if you want to be both smart and sexy, get yourself some Lisa Loeb specs.

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