Saturday, April 07, 2012

G is for "God, is he STILL talking about dolphins?"

Before we got sidetracked with all the "Michael Offutt's new book, Slipstream, got published so you'd better all go buy it" stuff (which, on that subject, Michael Offutt's new book, Slipstream, got published, so you'd better all go buy it) I was, as you'll recall, embarrassing "eminent" "scientists" with how smart I am (with an able assist from Andrew Leon, whose points still are butted) and also planning on talking more about dolphins, because why not? What have you got against dolphins? Have they ever done anything to harm you?  Why not give them a break? Sheesh.

Specifically, since I feel compelled by the watchful/vengeful eye of the A To Z Gods to kind of pretend to try to stick to attempting to hold myself to my theme, dolphin language, which is an alien alphabet of sorts, and, frankly, a pretty cool one, because it's not just a letter-replacement symbol code but is actually an alien language or symbol or whatever it's something, get off my back.

I have a degree in political science, for Pete's sake.  What do you expect of me?

Did you ever wonder who the Pete in Pete's sake is? Ever wonder why we bother trying to get people to stop not for our own selves but for Pete's sake?  Me, too.  Let's chase after that like a shiny new thing I just found!

According to this site, whose background makes it seem less than authoritative -- they have little squiggly writing for links; would a real authoritative source (e.g., Saul Bellow) use little squiggly writing? -- the phrase "For Pete's Sake" was first recorded in 1903,  and the name Pete is just a placeholder to be used in lieu of Jesus, because in the olden days, if you said Jesus it was like saying Shazam! and when people went around saying Jesus and becoming the Son of God for a day or so, it really messed up various religious doctrines ...

... and, yeah, I realize I just made an incredibly sacriligious joke the day before Easter, so let's hope my own personal religious beliefs are correct and Jesus has a sense of humor...

 ... but if the idea was to substitute Pete for Jesus, then who did Olden People think they were fooling?  Jesus knows what you meant, after all.  Why posit a God who judges you based on technicalities, as in this skit that is probably true-to-life:

JESUS:  Okay, let's see here, you two applicants for Heaven have both died and would like in.  Well, let's just review your qualifications, shall we?  Applicant number 1, have you ever killed anyone?  Committed adultery? Coveted a neighbor's ass?

No.1: No, Lord.  I coveted the guy down the street's ass, but he's not my neighbor, right?

JESUS: Absolutely right.  We took the local zoning ordinances into account in forming the 10 Commandments.  Well, Number Two, how about it?  Any of those things apply to you?

No. 2:  No, Lord.  I'm not really an ass man, myself.  I always preferred oxen.

JESUS:  Smelly, ugly things.  Don't know why Dad created them.  Anyway, everything looks in order, here, I ...oh, wait! What's this?  Seems that each of you in a moment of frustration took my name in vain?

[Thunder rolls in the background, and Jesus shreds his robe and swells to double his size, turning green]


No. 2:  Yes, Jesus!  But you see, someone had just cut me off in their horse and buggy and I was already late for work at the blacksmith shop and our 27 kids had all been up all night crying and I was really tired and so I just said "Oh, for Jesus' sake, why would you do that?" and it was 27 years ago and I'm very sorry!

JESUS:  BEGONE, SINNER!  [Stretches out arms, which elongate like rubber, wraps them around man and casts him into Hell, turns to No. 1]

No. 1:  No, you've got it all wrong, Lord!  Although I was thinking your name, I didn't SAY it.   I said PETE, instead!

[Jesus stops to consider, and during that time, No. 1 leaps up and grabs tiny energy device off Jesus' chest and holds it in his hand]

No. 1:  Now, I've got the source of your power.  And I'm wearing yellow.  So let's say we stop this charade and let me into those Pearly Gates.

  For those of you who are fact-checking this, I have it on good authority that Jesus Is Every Superhero At Once.  Also, he speaks with a British accent. Who knew?

I see I'm out of time for today.  Here's

Question 45 of the Great 100-day, 100-question Star Wars Blogathon, worth 27 points:

Which Star Wars character's bust can be found on a church, and what church can it be found on?

I know, it's not from the movies, but, hey, I'm looking out for my soul, here.  Commenter number 3 gets 10 extra points.

ALSO: Don't forget, today is your WHAMMY! point wagering day.  Leave in a comment how many points you want to wager for tomorrow's question; you can wager 100 even if you have less than 100 and can't go negative.

Not sure what a WHAMMY! is? Read about that here.

Official rules of the current biweekly haiku challenge here.

Official Rules of the 100-day, 100-question Star Wars Blogathon here. 

The standings are here.


Andrew Leon said...

It's Darth Vader on the Washington National Cathedral.

Andrew Leon said...

There will be details on my haiku and whammy points later.

See, I'm a nice guy. I'm seeing that you didn't put in any qualifications for poster 3 getting the points this time, but I'm totally not going to take them. I could, but I'm not.

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

I'll wager everything I got! I can't whammy twice in a row, right?

Stephen Hayes said...

For your sake I do hope that Jesus has a sense of humor. He'll need one because if, or when, he comes back he's going to be really pissed at what's been going on down here since he left!

Rusty Webb said...

I wrote a Haiku for the blogfest. You can find it here:

But it's also at my blog, so it's not that hard to find.

I'll have to think of the Whammy wager and get back to you... I have a lead to protect, after all.

Horst Peters said...

Dropped in on my A-Z blog tour. Have a great weekend.

Lara Schiffbauer said...

You totally cracked me up! I think Jesus probably is every super hero, all at once. I'm not sure about speaking with a British accent, though. I'll have to take your word for it.

I'm afraid to bet! I guess I'll go with 200. That way I'll have points left over and won't look quite so bad if I whammy.

Rusty Webb said...

Making an informed decision regarding my potential whammy points seems like a good idea - but I'll be like the guy in Vegas with the company payroll and bet it all. I'm whammying everything.

Andrew Leon said...

Okay, my haiku post is up:

As for the whammy question, I'm gonna go with 1000 points. And I'm going to reiterate how much I hate whammy day.

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