Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Best Aliens In Books That I'm Hoping Are Real Because It Would Be Cool If They Actually Existed.


Apollo 14 Astronaut Edgar D. Mitchell last week restated something that's been obvious to anyone who, you know, reads. Speaking at a press conference called by the "Paradigm Research Group," Edgar D. Mitchell -- the sixth man to walk on the moon, and so someone who's in the know -- said this: "We are being visited... It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence."

A spokesman for the Paradigm Research Group (PRG) then didn't threaten the United States government. He made it very clear he was not threatening the government (he said "this is not a threat or anything, you don't threaten the United States government, they're heavily armed ...") but he did say that if the U.S. Government doesn't make public, by the end of May, what it knows about aliens, the PRG will make it "as difficult on them as possible."

Well, I for one am not afraid of even the heavily armed U.S. government, and this is a crusade I've decided to join because I, too, want the government to reveal what it knows about aliens and the fact...

... yes, fact -- go back and see what Astronaut Edgar D. Mitchell said...

... that we've been visited by aliens, and I hope that when President Obama (who obviously has not much else to do) does declassify the documents, these aliens will turn out not to be merely figments of the imaginations of some science-fiction writers... So here are

The Best Aliens In Books That I'm Hoping Are Real Because It Would Be Cool If They Actually Existed.

1. Tralfamadorians. (As seen in Slaughter-House 5) The Tralfamadorians are little plunger-shaped aliens with hands where their heads should be and eyes in their hands; when embarrassed, they close their hands over their eyes. They kidnapped Billy Pilgrim and put him in a zoo with a porn star.

Why It'd Be Cool If They Actually Exist:
Aliens are always kidnapping people and doing things like dissecting them or raping them and dropping them back outside their trailer in Alabama, or bringing them back to be greeted by Richard Dreyfuss and that one woman. The Tralfamadorians aren't having any of that. They'll just kidnap you and plunk you into your own little life-long porn movie. If you're going to spend the rest of your life on an alien world, do you want it to be with a short guy who hasn't showered in three weeks? Or with Montana Wildhack?

Then Again, Why It Might
Not Be So Cool: The Tralfamadorians do put people into a zoo, where they're always on display, and there's large crowds. Suppose they get bored watching you just live your life with your porn-star mate and television with pasted-on picture, and decide to make you fight instead? Or suppose they get confused and bring you Richard Dreyfuss?

Why The Government Probably Won't Reveal That They Exist: President Obama's plans to make the United States a communist paradise require that its citizens stay around and pay up to 150% of their income in taxes. (He's hoping you won't pay attention to the math!) If people start applying to be abducted to Tralfamadorian zoos, the whole deal's shot.


2. Moties: (As seen in The Mote In God's Eye and The Gripping Hand.) These three-armed aliens that live inside a red giant star (or something like that; it's been a while since I read the book) have a distinct class system that is strictly enforced: warriors, workers, and tiny "watchmakers" who can build anything. Their civilization rises and falls repeatedly, as they need to breed to survive, and they refuse (mostly) to consider solutions, dubbing anyone who proposes an answer to the constant collapse of Motie civilization a "Crazy Eddie."

Why It'd Be Cool If They Actually Exist: Those "Watchmakers," tiny Moties that can build and rebuild and improve anything. Give me a few of those any my garage door opener would not only work, but it would probably come down off the ceiling and clean up the bowl of snacks I spilled out there a few weeks ago. Not to mention how helpful they'd be in programming my cell phone.

Then Again, Why It Might Not Be So Cool: Two reasons: Warriors and "Fyunch(click)'s." The Warriors are self-explanatory: They can outfight anything and have learned how to hurl asteroids as weapons of mass destruction. We've got Marines and Navy Seals, and don't need anything to outtough those and make the U.S. a second-tier country. But more worrisome than Warriors are the idea of a "Fyunch(click)." A "Fyunch(click)" is a Motie assigned to exactly parrot a human being: mannerisms, speech, even, probably, the way I sort of rub my neck when I'm thinking.

As someone who is surprised every single time I look in the mirror -- where'd those bags under my eyes come from? Is that really my chin? All of it?-- I have no desire to see myself parroted back at me. I know, deep down inside, that I'm not cool. I'd rather not see a three-armed, furry not-cool version of me sitting around scratching its butt.

Why The Government Probably Won't Reveal That They Exist: What, the government is going to let people know that there's a society that strictly enforces class and caste divisions, a society in which moving from one occupation to another is impossible, a society which is built on a boom-and-bust mentality, constantly throwing itself into crisis in order to take the steps it needs to fix a problem because forcing a solution through desperation is the only way the public will ever act? No way, man.


3. Martians: (As seen in Stranger in A Strange Land.) These "Martians" are more ghosts of Martians past than little red men fighting Santa Claus. Armed with physical and mental abilities beyond anything man has ever known, the Martians are, even as we speak, contemplating humanity's fate -- a fate they will determine.

Why It'd Be Cool If They Actually Exist: Look what they taught Valentine Michael Smith to do: heal his body, levitate things, seduce women with ease... that's what it all comes down to, right? Every advance that science makes, it all boils down to Will It Help Men Get Chicks? (Answer: Probably not.)

Then Again, Why It Might Not Be So Cool: Well, there is the fact that the Martians are contemplating whether or not to destroy our planet, contemplation that if I recall correctly might go on for eons (they're slow moving ghosts of Martians and not quick to rush into anything) but which might, ultimately, end up on Let's just destroy their planet. That, and they're humorless: the one thing that Mike never was taught by the Martians was how to laugh. Humorless and possibly destructive: they're like giant versions of Matthew McConaughey.

Why The Government Probably Won't Reveal That They Exist: When Mike the Martian-trained human came to Earth, he pretty much destroyed all of society just as soon as he learned to walk in our gravity. With the help of a crotchety author and three hot chicks, Mike brought the world-government to its knees, made most inventions obsolete, proved all religions false, and generally threw humanity into turmoil. Since that's pretty much President Obama's agenda (as I understand it from glimpses of Fox News), why would he let someone steal his thunder?

4. Hyper-intelligent Pan-dimensional Beings (as seen in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy and its sequels.) These creatures, whose forms in our dimension look a lot like tiny mice riding around in highball glasses, are the ones responsible for building the two most powerful computers in the history of all the dimensions: Deep Thought, whose job it was to come up with the Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything... and then Earth, whose job it was to come up with the question that Deep Thought had answered.

Why It'd Be Cool If They Actually Exist: For one thing, they invented the sport of "Brockian Ultra-Cricket," a game so massively complicated that the rulebook was so heavy that it collapsed into a black hole. Any sport that features people growing extra legs to amuse the crowds, and has as its goal the whacking of other players and then retreating to apologize, is a sport that we could use on TV to fill in the gaps that are otherwise, now, filled in with the NFL draft and the neverending and endlessly boring "NBA Playoffs." For another, mice driving motorized highball glasses are cute.

Then Again, Why It Might Not Be So Cool: On the other hand, if they do exist, that means that we're all just part of a giant computer program, and also it means that Vogons probably exist, which means Vogon poetry exists, and if there's one thing that's worse than Shel Silverstein's poems, it's Vogon poetry. Well, maybe not worse, but the two are tied.

There is, it turns out, a "Vogon Poetry Generator" you can go to. I went there, and got this poem generated for me, personally:

See, see the Smart sky Marvel at its big puce depths. Tell me, Ben do you Wonder why the platypus ignores you? Why its foobly stare makes you feel bleary. I can tell you, it is Worried by your thuyrfrgable facial growth That looks like A cottage cheese. What's more, it knows Your hypotenuse potting shed Smells of frog. Everything under the big Smart sky Asks why, why do you even bother? You only charm old cheeses.

Which I kind of like, actually. And it's also true: My hypotenuse potting shed does smell of frog.

Why The Government Probably Won't Reveal That They Exist: They're already busy covering up the disappearance of the dolphins. They don't need another scandal breaking.

5. Quozl: These rabbit-like aliens that took up residence on Earth in underground burrows started out just wanting a planet to live on, and then conquered Earth the best way possible: through the media.

Why It'd Be Cool If They Actually Exist: They're giant rabbits, with advanced technology. What's not cool about that?

Then Again, Why It Might Not Be So Cool: Well, they do breed like rabbits -- that's why they needed a new planet to live on. And the way they fight is highly stylized -- they have fights in which the goal is to make it appear as though you're going to beat the other guy up, but never actually touch him. After the wrestling, karate, tae kwon do, tae bo, aikido, kung fu, judo, kendo, capoeira, ninjitsu, ju jitsu, "ultimate fighting," "mixed martial arts" and other similar crazes, do we really need another fake form of fighting designed to make middle-aged guys feel good about themselves while spending two nights per week at a strip-mall storefront wearing a bathrobe?

Why The Government Probably Won't Reveal That They Exist: Actually, they probably will, eventually. Whenever things start to look bleak, President Obama hauls out something cute for the media. Need another $150 bazillion dollars for the bailout? Let's see his daughters head off to school with Hello Kitty Backpacks. About to send mixed messages on whether the US will torture or not? Hello, Bo, the Portuguese Water Puppy. So when those jobless numbers come out at the end of May, expect to see a couple of Quozl showing up on the view.

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Children tormented by demons. An old man accidentally killing people. Witches who live hundreds of years and escape from Hell repeatedly. An astronaut drifting through space... these and other great stories can be found only on AfterDark: The scariest things, you CAN'T imagine.

3 comments:

Husbands Anonymous said...

The strangest beings are already here, but I think that's why we are fascinated with aliens. It helps us to avoid dissing our neighbours, or shooting strangers with ray guns at the county fair.
I like the Greys. Regular, big-eyed greys.

lisapepin said...

"Humorless and possibly destructive: they're like giant versions of Matthew McConaughey." I like Matthew McConaughey, but that still made me laugh out loud.

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