Friday, April 10, 2009

The Best New Food

It's a MiniBest!

You'd think at this point that it would be impossible for humanity to invent a new food, wouldn't you? After all, we've (apparently) already used up all our stories and all our themes, so that we're reduced to constantly retelling the story of how Kirk & Spock met at Starfleet Academy (and then how they drag-raced to see who would get to date Uhura... although I may be mixing up my rehashed-movie-plotlines here...)

(And I'll come back to Star Trek: Again? later on in this Month of New)

But you'd be wrong, because human ingenuity knows no bounds, at least not when it comes to repackaging things that include "Cheese Sauce." If you are unfamiliar with what I am about to unveil, you should sit down. (If you are familiar with it, then you're probably already sitting down, because too much cheese sauce for breakfast tends to cause chest pains during movement.)

Readers, I give you, The Toaster Scramble:

The big problem with eggs was, as we all know, they cannot easily be carried from place to place. Anyone wanting a heaping helping of scrambled eggs had to either sit in one place to eat it, or had to have a pocketful of egg juice all day. And is that any way to run a society? Heck, no.

And luckily, we don't have to do that anymore. We can now carry our eggs with us, neatly and cleanly and easily, and without resorting to all that frat-boyish "wrap" nonsense (you know it's a tortilla, right? And you know that they call it a wrap because if they said 'tortilla' you wouldn't buy it, right?) Because a serious man in a serious job who is seriously on his way to his serious office* (*while listening to "Convoy" on his iPod but doing so seriously) cannot eat a "wrap." "Wraps" are for people who have hangovers and wear boxers that you can see above their pants.

Serious people demand a light, flaky pastry crust for their pre-cooked frozen scrambled eggs packed into cheese sauce with real sausage bits. It makes it so much easier to carry it in a pocket.

I have no idea how people survived without these. No wonder it took us so long to discover America. Right, Stephen Hawking?


lisapepin said...

Holy crap. Is it wrong that I really, really want one of these?

Husbands Anonymous said...

What is it about your posts that have the ability to provoke physical response:
This time, I threw up a little in my mouth.