Thursday, April 16, 2009

The 10 Best Movie Villains, According To The Boy (And Some "Man Walks Into A Bar" Jokes.)

The Boy and Middle were stuck babysitting the twins last night while I helped Sweetie grocery shop ("help" in this case = "ask her if she thinks I can keep the paper towels balanced on top of the cart all the way through the store.")(Answer: no.) And The Boy used his time wisely -- not watching the Twins (who threw a can of Lysol into the toilet) and not doing his homework, but instead, creating a list of the The 10 Best Movie Villains, which he then said I should post on my blog.

But he didn't give me reasons why they were the 10 Best, and when I said he should, he said he didn't have time to. (That ESPN isn't going to watch itself, I know.) So, sans reasons, I've decided to fill in the gaps by posting, with each, one of my favorite "Man Walks Into A Bar Joke."

In order, from 10-1, here they are:

10. The Terminator (movie: The Terminator).

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

9. Michael Myers (movie: Halloween).

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

8. Agent Smith (movie: The Matrix)

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?

7. Saruman (movies: The Lord of the Rings trilogy)

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

6. Jack Torrance (movie: The Shining)

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

5. Hannibal Lector (movie: The Silence of the Lambs)

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

4. Anton Chigurh (movie: No Country For Old Men)

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

3. Syndrome (movie: The Incredibles)

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

2. The Joker (movie: The Dark Knight)

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

and the The Boy's Number One Movie Villain of all time -- and the villain The Boy forgot about until Middle reminded him (shame on him!):

1. Darth Vader.
(movies: Star Wars series).

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, I've never had a kangaroo come in here before. The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, I won't be back."

Got a nomination? Think something's The Best? Send it to me at "thetroublewithroy[at]" I'll post any of them, and if I like it a lot, I'll send you a t-shirt!

Related: Longtime readers know that the "Man Walks Into A Bar Joke" is The Best Kind of Joke...

But if you like Knock-knock jokes, you'll want to see The TBOE Players perform "The Best Knock-Knock Joke.

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1 comment:

Husbands Anonymous said...

That was very weird. Like reading two posts at once. Love the jokes.
I could only think of one and a half:
Horse walks into the bar, sits down, orders a beer... bartender says 'Why the long face?'
Old. But still effective on my children... and the half:
A seal walks into a club. Thunk.
(minus five points for it being a club)