Friday, November 16, 2012

No woman, ever, has been able to resist a guy who is good at air hockey. True story. (Reviews of Movies I'll Never See.)

Today's Review of Movies I'll Never See: 

  Playing For Keeps, starring Uma Thurman and other people.

The PlotThe guy who had sex in an outhouse at that hippie music festival is a broken-down, washed-up, ne'er-do-well ex soccer player, (because that is a thing that exists in America)... or is he?  After never marrying Jessica Biel because she was not in love with him even though he was super in love with her... wait, that's real life... after not marrying Jessica Biel because he was too devoted to being superawesome at soccer and also being from Australia, Guy With Shaggy Hair finds time to put his son in danger while also somehow supporting himself working as a suburban soccer coach, a career that puts him in contact with a near-psychotic Dennis Quaid, who is obviously just looking for a reason to take a swing at Guy.

Luckily for 300, the particular suburb he has picked is also chock-full of ex-ESPN broadcasters, and ESPN for some reason is looking to increase its soccer coverage despite the fact that nobody cares about soccer.  ESPN has never heard about Guy Who Kidnapped Jennifer Aniston, though, because ESPN does not keep track of prominent athletes in the sports it covers, so it is up to Catherine Zeta Jones to get him an audition.

When Guy I've Run Out Of Nicknames For nails the audition, and nails Catherine Zeta Jones, he must make the hardest choice of his life: should he keep having sex with really hot women and take a job that pays him at least moderately well (ESPN sportscasters start at $42,000 or so), or should he somehow convince Jessica Biel that his decision to give up on any kind of real career makes him the kind of husband she really wants?

And if he chooses the latter, should he make air hockey and no doubt a bar-room confrontation with Psychotic Dennis Quaid the centerpieces of his attempts to win her back?

REVIEW:  The most baffling part of this movie was why Uma Thurman is in the trailer.  She is shown laughing on a bed... twice, if I recall... and then at a soccer game.  Is Uma Thurman's presence in a by-the-book romantic comedy a selling point?  The last work Uma Thurman had of any particular note was in 2008's The Accidental Husband, a movie I recall existing, but don't recall very clearly because I was pretty sure it was that movie that starred Anthony Hopkins as an African-American college professor who has an affair with Nicole Kidman.  But it wasn't.  That movie, the Anthony Hopkins movie, was The Human Stain.

Speaking of Anthony Hopkins, did you know that he once went on a date with Martha Stewart but she wouldn't ask him out again because she couldn't stop thinking of him as Hannibal Lecter? That's a true story.

In closing, Jessica Biel could probably do better than What's-His-Name:

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1 comment:

Andrew Leon said...

Wait, I'm confused now. Did you see this movie that you'll never see? And I've never heard of.
Although I have heard of The Human Stain, but I haven't seen it. Evidently, it's an important book, so I kind of want to read it now.