Saturday, December 10, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 13, etc...

I saw this on XKCD yesterday:

And THAT is part of why every year I spend the better part of December providing links to and videos of "nontraditional" Christmas songs that are not those old standards. It's not just that I'm sick of the Baby Boomers defining everything by their existence -- yes, we get it, there are a lot of you, and you're convinced that every single thing you do is symbolic or meaningful, even if it's not and even if everything the Baby Boomers have accomplished in their sadly deluded lifetimes amounts to zero-

Seriously, what have they done? Our grandfathers won World War II and invented antibiotics. Baby boomers invented cocaine and the "SuperCongress." And don't get me started on the Next Generation, my generation, which invented "Nirvana" and Snapple and thus actually made the world worse off than when we were born.

-- but that I'm sick of hearing only about twenty different Christmas songs every year. I took the boys for a drive this morning because Mr F wanted hash browns from McDonalds, and put the Christmas music station on, and heard "Happy Holidays," "Jingle Bell Rock" and "I'll Be Home For Christmas." For the umpteenth time.

Over three years ago I started protesting this by posting songs that weren't old standards, and I'll keep it up until something changes. We all have to have a mission in life, after all.

And with that, here is today's Best Song Of Christmas, etc.:All I Want For Christmas, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs:

And, of course, there's the 10 Best Santas and Whatnot: The Santa who helped Superman fight the Toyman in 'Twas the Fright Before Christmas:

Did you know that Santa has his own DC Comics page? Now, you do. You can find out Santa's history a history that includes a character snorting the ground-up bones of Santa Claus as part of an occult ritual.

Nope. Seriously:

By the account of magus John Constantine, the historical Santa Claus was actually Agios Nikolaus, born in Patara, Lycia (Turkey) in 270 CE. As an adult, Agios was appointed the Bishop of Myra, where he developed a reputation for performing miracles, such as resurrecting the dead. He was also known for his benevolence, charity, and anonymous gifts to the poor. Agios Nikolaus passed away in 343 CE, when he ascended to sainthood. His remains were entombed in Myra ... where they remained undisturbed for centuries.

In 2008, John Constantine located the skeleton of Agios Nikolaus and arranged to have the remains shipped back to England for use in an occult ritual. In order to get the remains through customs, Constantine had them ground into powder and convinced the customs agent that it was gardening fertilizer. He used some of the powder for his ritual, then snorted the rest as if it were cocaine, musing about how it was going to be a "White Christmas".

Which is really not much worse than St. Wenceslas, and we sing about him. There was also a DC Santa known as a cruel slave-driver who was eventually decapitated by the Easter Bunny and had a gorilla roommate:

Because in comics, you can't bring back Uncle Ben, but you can have Santa be involved with an ape.

But in 'Twas The Fright Before Christmas, Santa wasn't an ape-fetishizing reconstituted skeleton at all; he was more akin to the jolly old elf our modern Santas are required to be, and instead simply helped Superman fight the Toyman's evil plot to replace all the toys with hypno-toys that will make the kids go on a stealing spree on Christmas Day.

Superman is helpless to fight the Toyman, as he's been shot down by a "gravity ray" created from a piece of white dwarf star that Toyman bought as a paperweight (really!), and from there, it's Santa's show. From the Superman Homepage:

Back at the North Pole, Superman wakes up to find himself lying in a bed surrounded by elves and Santa Claus. Santa introduces himself, and Superman finds it hard to believe that he never saw Santa's workshop before while flying over the North Pole. However, Santa says that nobody can find his workshop unless he wishes it. Santa and Superman then head into Santa's hi-tech communications center, where every boy and girl in the world is monitored to see if they've been naughty or nice. Then they walk through Santa's workshop, where all the toys are made. This reminds Superman of an old toy he had while he was a baby on Krypton, a thought projecting device. Unfortunately that toy was destroyed when Krypton exploded.

Santa offers to help Superman with the Toyman, since Superman still hasn't recovered from the gravity beam. Santa and Timmy take off in Superman's sled, and Superman quickly joins them when he finds that he is still too weak from the gravity beam to maintain flight on his own.

They quickly reach Metropolis and land on the roof of the building where Santa's monitors tell him the Toyman is hiding out. Superman flies down the chimney and crashes in on the Toyman's lair. The Toyman orders his robotic toys to attack Superman. While Superman would normally beat the toys with no trouble, some of them are armed with a small amount of Kryptonite, making it difficult for him to beat them. Fortunately, Santa comes down the chimney as well, and releases his good toys to attack Toyman's evil toys. With the help of Santa's good toys, Superman is able to beat the Toyman, who is led off by the police. Superman then finds the Toyman's list of everyone who bought his hypnotic toys, and using his super-speed, he rounds them all up. He then returns to Santa and Timmy, to thank Santa for his help in capturing the Toyman. At that moment Timmy's toy ship fires off another gravity beam which hits Superman.

Superman wakes up to find himself lying in the snow at the North Pole, with Timmy huddled over him. Superman is confused, and wondering if his encounter with Santa Claus was all a dream. He flies Timmy home, and then goes to Clark Kent's apartment. He goes to remove his street clothes from his cape pouch, and finds something else in there as well. It's his old thought projector from Krypton, the one that was destroyed. It projects an image of Santa Claus wishing Superman a Merry Christmas.

So. I like to think there's a multiverse where every possible outcome has happened in some universe or other. Which means that in another universe, that story has become the "A Christmas Carol" for people, the story that defines the holiday and is constantly remade and retold, which means in that universe, there was a version of that story in which Bill Murray starred as Toyman and learned a valuable lesson.

Also: It's, I'll admit, a bit creepy to think of Santa spying on kids via secretly-installed cameras, and I wish I'd thought of that before putting this Santa on the list, but it's too late now. I've spent a lot of time writing this and I'm not about to go re-do it just because you have issues.

Prior songs:

12. We Need A Little Christmas, Glee version, and The Holiday Armadillo.

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel, and "The Santa From A Nightmare Before Christmas".

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1 comment:

Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

Last year on the Robot Chicken holiday special they had a skit where Santa and Superman are going to race around the world to decide who's faster. Instead they end up going to Vegas for a Hangover-style montage of naughty pictures.