Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Best Brittle Blonde Girl Who Might Look Sexy But Is Probably Kind Of Mean... (My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad!)

What's this? Click here for an explanation.

Today's Fight:

Sara Paxton


Reese Witherspoon

Explaining the matchup: For a long time, it's been generally known that Hollywood, once it hits on a good thing, simply clones that good thing over and over. Most people thought that applied only to action movies, remakes done by Drew Barrymore, and sitcoms in which an annoyingly good-looking group of people appear to have inherited tons of money and consequently have nothing to do but sit around.

(Seriously: The Kardashians work harder than anyone on Happy Endings! or Friends ever did.)

Who knew, though, that Hollywood applied that also to blondes? It doesn't really matter is Sarah Paxton actually is genetically identical to Reese Witherspoon, just as it doesn't matter if somewhere in or around LA there is a giant warehouse filled with vats of as-yet-sleeping sexy blond young ingenues all of whom look like Reese Witherspoon...

... wait, where was I?

What matters is that as of now, there are two Reese Witherspoons on the pop culture scene, and one of them can kill a shark.

So which one is better? Which one is The Best? Let's examine them:

The Backgrounds: As I've pointed out on here time and time again, actors are not acting at all. They're playing themselves. (Or trying out versions of themselves.) That's why my past habits of assuming that actors' roles defined their life stories actually made sense. So to determine the relative strengths of each of these woman, I look no further than to their movie/TV resumes.

As the challenger, Sarah Paxton goes first:

Sara is obviously a master of deception -- her first role was as a child at school in Liar, Liar, but her powers don't stop there. She's got some kind of Welsh occult background as a result of doing the voice of Charlotte in "Koudelka," a videogame that revolves around someone burning prostitutes' bodies in a monastery in Wales, which makes it pretty much the exact opposite of "Frogger," (in that Frogger had nothing to do with prostitution, burning corpses, or Wales.)

Sara may be a shapechanger -- she's played several fish on SpongeBob Squarepants, but was revealed to be a mermaid in 2006's Aquamarine, a kids' movie in which a prostitute's dead body... wait, wrong notes... in which Emma Roberts found Sara living in the family swimming pool, and ultimately had to make the decision to let Sara go by urging her to jump over the promontory and swim out to sea as a stirring Michael Jackson song played. (I'm hypothesizing, here, as 42-year-old men who rent movies like Aquamarine end up on all the wrong kinds of lists.)

In case there was any doubt that Sara is really AquaGirl, there's this latest:

In which Sara takes on Intelligent Lake Sharks and wins. (I'm assuming, as 42-year-old men who have access to bootleg copies of movies before they're released end up getting sued.)

So, to sum up: Sara Paxton is half-shark.


Then there's Reese Witherspoon's strengths. Although she began as a possibly-meek girl who faced trouble when she broke up with a psychotic Marky Mark in Fear, Reese soon moved into her own by developing supernatural powers -- she was able to enter TV sets in Pleasantville -- and also is deceptively intelligent, having worked for both the government in some capacity (Election) and graduated law school (Legally Blond) and the government again (Legally Blond II.)

Her life as some sort of X-Files-ish government agent took a twist when Reese died (Just Like Heaven) and came back first as someone who dates monsters (Four Christmases) and then as an actual monster (Monsters v. Aliens)

Now, Reese is wandering the world in the company of other supernatural monsters.

To sum up: Reese Witherspoon is an undead government agent with supernatural abilities.


How do we know they're really not the same person?

We don't. Given that both of them are either shapeshifters or supernatural beings, there's no guarantee of that. Especially when you consider this ominous entry from Sara Paxton's IMDB entry:

Lizzie McGuire (TV series)
Election (2001) … Holly

Secret hidden weapons:

You would think that neither a mermaid nor a ghost would need a secret hidden weapon, but you'd think wrong (as usual; you're not very good at thinking, are you?)

Reese's hidden secret weapon is:

She once did a topless scene:

Can Sara beat that? She can try:

Sorry, Sara. This round goes to Reese Witherspoon.


Rogue Mutt said...

I don't even know who Sara Paxton is so I would have picked Reese Witherspoon too. BTW, is Sara related to Bill Paxton? Or maybe they spell their last name differently. I'm not going to look it up.

Briane P said...

Your comment makes me think of "The Simpsons":

Mr Burns: Hmmm, perhaps this Homer Simpson is related to Richard Nixon?

Smithers: I doubt it, since they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Mr Burns: Well, I'll ask when I see him.

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