Tuesday, April 26, 2011

WHODATHUNKIT!?: Royal Wedding Edition: The 3 Best Things You REALLY WANT TO Know About The Royal Wedding.

Welcome to my attempt to cash in on the royal wedding.

If you, like me, said "Which royal wedding?" then you are part of an elite club that includes you, and me, and anyone else in the world who wonders why, if people love royalty so much, only Britain's royal family gets the publicity?

After all, according to "The International Commission on Nobility and Royalty," which is a thing, there are 87 different countries that have royal families, which came as a surprise to me because I would have sworn there were only about 10 countries in the world, all told, and I guess that explains why Olympic opening ceremonies are so long. (I just thought athletes like parades.)

The ICNR's list of 87 countries with royal families is a little misleading, though, and needs some explanation. First off, the ICNR notes on Asia are as follows:

ASIA (The "de jure" sovereign kings, emirs, etc. of various former little nations --- too many to keep track of)

That's why America is falling behind China, you fools! We're too lazy to count the royal families of all the nations. Do you think the Chinese are not counting them? Oh, they are. And we'll realize our mistakes only too late.

That notation made me wonder just how small those former little nations (which sounds like it might be a Disney Family cartoon, doesn't it? Former Little Nations: Join the Adventure as Baby Nations romp around the world discovering new things about each country! With their friends, Carrie The Cartographer and Boatie, these Former Little Nations will have your kids learning and laughing!)

Just how small those former little nations are, given that the list counts such countries as "Grenada," which is most famous for being the most ridiculous war-movie setting ever, and Luxembourg, which is most famous for my constantly getting it confused with Monaco.

The list also includes Zanzibar, which would be a good name for a new kind of candy treat.

With all those royal families, you'd expect that people would get confused when the media (meaning: Katie Couric) says the royal wedding, and everyone would start flipping through their People Magazines to find out if that suave devil the "Elective Prince of The Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of St. John of Jerusalem of Rhodes and of Malta: "de jure" over past territories and still an independent subject of international law: His Most Eminent Highness the Prince and Grand Master Fra’ Matthew Festing as of March 11, 2008" has finally found that special someone, but no! We just automatically assume that it's Britain's royal family.

Doesn't seem fair, does it, if you are the Elective Prince... etc. etc. Grand Master Fra' Matthew Festing as of March 11, 2008"? No, it doesn't, and I hope he'll find at least some consolation in the fact that he can serve to let nerds prove that George Lucas wasn't being ridiculous when he had the Queens of Naboo be elected for a term, because the Elective Prince... etc. etc., Grand Master Fra' of Malta is also elected.*

*obligatory Star Wars Reference
But, all fairness aside**

**as Republicans like to say

I've caught "Royal Wedding Fever," the symptoms of which include a desire to get a bunch of hits on my blog from all those people who really do have "Royal Wedding Fever" and who will call in sick to work this Friday... the wedding is Friday, right? ... and watch in breathless anticipation as nothing much happens.

And when they do watch that, they're going to need something to talk about after they finish the topic of Kate Middleton's feather hats, which I understand can dominate the discussion for upwards of 73 straight hours -- or roughly 1/4 the time this wedding will take to be completed. And you, too, are going to need something to talk about, because you, like me, probably won't watch at all but will want to feel like you're a part of society by pitching in and saying something about the wedding, so I'm again providing that phenomenal public service that this blog does from time to time, to wit:

Royal Wedding Edition:
The 3 Best Things You REALLY WANT TO Know About The Royal Wedding.

In presenting these things, you might think that I'm hampered somewhat by not having read or watched anything about the Royal Wedding, by not ever having been to England, and by not actually being sure who "Kate Middleton" really is.

You would be wrong. I have never let a fact get in the way of a good opinion.***

***As Republicans also like to say.

And so I can therefore freely provide you with the following three AMAZING facts that will serve as conversational fodder/my blatant attempt to up my page rank during the upcoming festivities, secure in the knowledge that it just took me four tries to correctly spell festivities.

1. The wedding is in an abbey, so Kate Middleton's mom's dream that her daughter would have a 'nice church wedding' is going to be crushed.

Westminster Abbey -- hands down, the best abbey Joey has ever seen -- is a busy place -- it holds 1,500 "daily" services a year, raising the question Have the Brits found a way to get more days than the rest of us -- but it isn't just a church, per se. An abbey is a home for monks or nuns managed by an abbot, which means maybe I am missing something and this wedding is going to be hilarious:

, if an abbey is something that's headed by an abbot, then a fair question to ask is what's an abbot?****

****Nothing; what's an abbot you?

what that joke is supposed to mean. I looked up the definition of abbot, and found that it's:

a man who is the head or superior, usually elected, of a monastery.

You saw that coming, right? I sometimes can't believe that English counts as a language.

But Westminster Abbey is not just an abbey, and not just home to the world's most famous dog show (which will take place immediately after the wedding, Friday). It's also a little bit peculiar, as noted on its website:

Westminster Abbey is one of the world’s greatest churches, a designated World Heritage Site and ‘Royal Peculiar’, which means the Dean is directly answerable to the monarch.

That's according to its website -- yes, the Abbey has a website, and a Twitter feed, and a podcast. There's a lot going on at the Abbey, including the "Office For The Royal Maundy."

I don't know what the Office For the Royal Maundy is, so let's move on to:

2. The "Office For The Royal Maundy" is a church service in which the Queen gives money to old people.

Seriously: At "The Official Website Of The British Monarchy," the informational overload includes information about "Maundy Thursday," which is the Thursday before Good Friday, and which is also the day the Queen gives "Maundy Coins" to elderly pensioners in recognition of their service to the community.

This year's Maundy Coins (shown at right) were actually several coins in two purses, totaling 5 pounds, 135 pence, which is equal to 11 Bosnian Convertible Markers. "Bosnian Convertible Markers" are, of course, the money used in Bosnia, which I am pretty sure is still a country. *****

*****I am not US-centric. Why should we always convert money to simply "US Dollars"? Other than the fact that other countries' money seems fake, I mean?

The Maundy tradition is said to date from the Last Supper, following Jesus' command to love one another, his "mandate." (Maundy is a corruption of mandate, another reason why English ought not to be considered a full-fledged language.******)

******And another checkmark against English is the past participle.
In the past, the British monarch didn't just give a couple of pence to the lads; he would get down and wash their feet, too, but that tradition ended with James II. (James II was, I believe, the British Monarch who abdicated the throne to roam the world in a giant peach.)

3. Kate Middleton might actually be some sort of goddess and/or Antichrist who heralds the end of the world.

Scoff if you want, but don't scoff too loudly lest you be left behind when the world comes to an end. This part of the Royal Wedding hasn't actually been played up -- probably because the media (meaning: Rachel Maddow) are part of a massive conspiracy to keep you, the good people of the world, from knowing that the world is going to end if this wedding goes through.

To come to that conclusion, I have put several actual facts together in what will immediately become apparent is the only logical way, and they lead inexorably to the conclusion that unless we stop this wedding, it's over for humanity.

FACT ONE: Take a look at this actual billboard from the actual world:

That's the work of a group called "Family Radio," which doesn't seem like a church name, but neither does Westminster Abbey, so who are you to judge?

Family Radio sets out, on its website, a timeline from the Bible that helps prove that the billboard is right. Highlights from that include:

11,013 BC—Creation. God created the world and man (Adam and Eve).


1988 AD—This year ended the church age and began the great tribulation period of 23 years


1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the great tribulation came to an end and the latter rain began, commencing God’s plan to save a great multitude of people outside of the churches

2011 AD—On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the rapture (the taking up into heaven of God’s elect people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation.

Fact Two: In 1988, George Bush was elected.

Fact Three: In 1994, the "Republican Revolution" occurred.

Fact Four: Neither Fact Two nor Fact Three actually plays into this, but I thought it would be fun to note that when people vote for Republicans they are bringing about the rule of Satan. Keep that in mind, everyone.

Fact Five: The world will not actually end on May 21; that's only Judgment Day. The world actually will go on existing until October 21, 2011, again according to Family Radio and/or God:

By God’s grace and tremendous mercy, He is giving us advanced warning as to what He is about to do.

On Judgment Day, May 21st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth.

It will be on May 21st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21).

People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere.

Fact Six: God and/or Family Radio have the date wrong for the end of the world. Family Radio notes that the Bible says this "all the dead people scattering" period will last 150 days
The Lord also emphasizes these awful 5 months of destruction in the final verse of Genesis, chapter 7:

Genesis 7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Five months after May 21st, 2011 will be October 21st, 2011. It so happens that October 21st of 2011 is also the last day of the Biblical Feast of Tabernacles (held simultaneously with the Feast of Ingathering).
While five months after May 21 is October 21, October 21 is not "an hundred and fifty days" after May 21. October 18 is. So if you thought maybe you'd make it until Friday the week the world ends, guess again. The world will end on a Tuesday.

Fact Seven: Kate Middleton and I share the same birthdate, January 9. That's not really critical either, but it is kind of neat. Also born that day? Bob Denver and Richard Nixon.

Fact Eight: Remember how the world is actually going to end in October, not May? Well, guess who got engaged in October? (If you guessed "Kate Middleton," then you are half-right: Prince William did, too.)

Fact Nine: Kate Middleton's face has appeared on a jellybean.

Jellybeans are, of course, traditionally associated with Easter, which is kind of a religious holiday associated with something-or-other. I can't remember. But I'm pretty sure this jellybean thing means something.

And that is why I am off to England, to stop the wedding, with only the help of my loyal band of followers, the Former Little Nations and Carrie The Cartographer. We'll all get on Boatie and, joined by our special guest the Elective Prince... etc. etc. Grand Master Fra' Matthew Festing as of March 11, 2008 will do our best to stop the wedding, save the world, and otherwise come up with what sounds pretty much like the back cover blurb of Dan Brown's next novel, am I right?

1 comment:

Rogue Mutt said...

We have those "Family Radio" billboards around here too. So basically it's going to be the zombie apocalypse with the dead rising again? I'd love to find their headquarters and wait outside with a trumpet when nothing happens so I can go "waa waa" for them.

But it does seem unfair to royalty elsewhere that no one cares about any royalty except England. How many people tuned in for the king of Sweden's wedding? Whatever the population of Sweden is I suppose and all of the Detroit Red Wings. Maybe they put it on in the IKEA TV department. I just don't get why Americans care--we overthrew the British royalty! Except that I suppose nowadays they're like reality TV stars. Maybe that could be a new "Real Housewives" thing next year--if there is a next year!

How did we not notice all this tribulation going on?