Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'm probably going to Hell for This (The First Best Foods Shaped Like Other Things!)
It's a MiniBest!
Remember the so-called Illinois Cornflake, a/k/a, the greatest scam foisted off on American society since the "Moon Landing?" I've never forgotten the Manitoba-shaped $1,350 road to easy street. And I've never forgotten it mostly because, like all Americans, I'm searching for fame and fortune and a way to do even less work than I usually do, on a daily basis. I know, I know -- I do about 13 minutes of actual "work" per day, but I'm still expected to show up there at the office, and still expected to wear pants. I ask you, is that the American dream?
No. The American dream is fame and fortune through, well, luck. Luck and, in the case of the Manitoba flake, nibbling at the edges of cereal until it looks vaguely like a geographic blob, which all cornflakes do, anyway. Which is a good idea, because also the American dream involves food.
Since nobody has yet taken me up on my offer to create a reality show about me -- still open, Hollywood! I'm still taking bids -- I've decided to investigate another route, entirely, to riches and fame -- that of finding out that my food is shaped like something else, and getting rich of that. So March's MiniBests will explore the Best Foods Shaped Like Other Things, and determine whether I would likely get rich if I found something similar.
The first of the nominees for Best Foods Shaped Like Other Things is actually a tie -- and I am proud and humbled to live in an era where there can not only be a tie in this category, but also where that tie can be in Cheese Puffs Shaped Like Our Lord and Savior. I give you not one, but two "Cheesus" puffs:
Cheesus 1: Was found by Methodist Minister Steve Cragg, who was eating some Cheetos one day and noticed that one of the snacks looked an awful lot like a praying Jesus. (Or a Jesus sitting and playing "Playstation 3," but Cragg didn't see that.) Being the devoted man of God that he is, Cragg missed the opportunity to set up a shrine to Cheesus and announce that praying to it (and leaving a generous contribution) could lower cholesterol. Instead, he has it in a velvet box on a shelf in his office, where no doubt every day at about 3 p.m. he wages an inner battle with his snack demons.
What's scary is that Armageddon appears to have come to the snack world, because Cheesus has already had his second coming. Cheesus 2 appeared to Kelly Ramey, who felt something unusual in a snack bag of Cheetos and shook out a crucified Cheesus. Like Minister Cragg, Ramey says she has no plans to sell the Cheesus -- says it's bringing a lot of joy into her home, so she's planning on keeping it... in a safe deposit box? Look for this Cheesus to reappear in three days -- on eBay.