Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I probably shoulda gone with Tweets about the Pope. THAT is a humor gold mine. (Celebrity Tweets About...)

Are Celebrities (note that I capitalized it, as is proper when speaking of Those Who May Be Better Than Us) better than us? Are They wiser? Funnier? Better looking?

The answers: No, no, and yes, but it's the lighting.  It's time for Celebrity Tweets About..., the fun game you can play at home, only it's not a game and you don't play it and you're probably reading this at work!  This installment is all about the most important thing in the world right now, which is "MARCH MADNESS," also known as "Basketball."  Specifically, college basketball.  Specifically, colleges you can't afford to attend playing a game you never were very good at in front of people who will someday be your boss but who for today have painted their faces red-and-gold and are very, very drunk.

Anyway, here is a look at what Celebrities are saying about "March Madness," which is a term I've decided to just go ahead and use because I don't think that a phrase CAN be copyrighted in such a way as to keep me from "reporting" on a "news" "event," and so MARCH MADNESS MARCH MADNESS MARCH MADNESS.*

*My secret plan is that when the NCAA or whoever sues me, I will tell Patricia Cornwell that the lawsuit has all her money and she'll sue them back!  GENIUS.

First up, because he is who I found first, is a rapper named "Common," who tweeted this:




I did not embed the picture, because the picture is actually a video that you can see on Common's website.  I didn't watch the video either, because, well, I don't know who Common is, or why he's a Monk for March Madness, and I didn't want to find out.  I feel like maybe my life is better without me knowing that.  After all, my brain is already filled with useless information.  I can name, like, four Bob Seger songs off the top of my head, and for various reasons that drives me nuts, in part because I can never find my keys.

"Why, brain," I want to yell at myself, "Why would you remember that Against The Wind exists but make me late for work?"

And now you are humming Against The Wind.

 Here is what the "Sons Of Clemson" have to say about March Madness:





I don't know who the "Sons Of Clemson" are.  Probably a reality show.  But they have NAILED IT.  That is the ESSENCE OF A TOURNAMENT.  "Win or go home" indeed.  You have showed the rest of the world, Sons of Clemson, what it means to get a Clemson Education.  "Clemson: WE KNOW HOW TOURNAMENTS ARE RUN," you might well say.

It wasn't always the case that you had to "Win Or Go Home" in the NCAA Tournament, though.  It used to be that losers were forced to marry the Earl's daughter.  Her SECOND daughter, so you didn't inherit the Earldom.  You just got an ugly daughter, whom you had to share with your teammates. And you probably ate turnips because back then they didn't know any better.  Things are much improved now.

Robert Flores says:




HA HA it's funny because he works at ESPN, and those two things are sports-related things that are not actually basketball things!  It's also funny because he's publicly admitting he's very bad at his job!  That is what they call in sports "a two-fer."

Jesse Williams -- I'm VERY MUCH expanding the definition of "Celebrity" here but THIS. IS. AMERICA. says:



He has 347,000+ followers!  347,000 people want to know what Jesse Williams has to say about things!  And I don't even know who he is, probably because my stupid brain is full of Bob Seger lyrics.

Jesse's Twitter site says he is "Not a doctor but plays one on TV" and then something about being a sneakerphile.  Can I retroactively revoke "Celebrity Status?" Judges? No? Moving on, then.

If you don't want to bet against Jesse Williams and his sneakerphilia -- he has to introduce himself to all the Foot Locker stores in the neighborhood when he moves in -- you could use your betting to help a good cause, a la Kurt Warner:





Kurt Warner might honestly be one of the coolest stories ever in American history, leaving aside important people when I say that.  He was a stock boy in a grocery store telling other people he was going to win the Super Bowl, and then he went and DID THAT. If Kurt Warner wants four bucks from you, GIVE IT TO HIM.

That is, of course, leaving aside important people.  While Kurt Warner's athletic achievements are quite admirable, let's keep in mind that winning at sports does nothing to improve the world, ever, period.  So, admirable. But pointless.

Which brings me to Darrell Waltrip, who is a NASCAR driver, I think? WHY DO I KNOW THINGS LIKE THAT? The other day I walked into the kitchen and couldn't remember why I'd done that.  There wasn't even any pizza left, as it turns out.  But I KNOW WHO DARRELL WALTRIP IS, kind of.  He says:





That is, I think, supposed to entice you into watching car racing.  But saying "run-off" doesn't make me want to watch a race.  It makes me think I need a Kleenex(TM) brand tissue.  (THIS JOKE SPONSORED BY KLEENEX, the official tissue of March Madness! KLEENEX: It's what's in your wallet!)

Hey, it's Rob Flores again!





I get it!  Because he's bad at the thing he gets paid to tell you about! OH HO HO HO.  Rob Flores, you are a rising star.

Colin Quinn has a two-fer (remember, that's a sports term):













Colin Quinn had TWO things to say about the NCAA tournament.  Also, he is alive.  And apparently soliciting house-cleaning jobs.

Tom Crabtree is a Green Bay Packer.  You would know him if you know who "tight ends" are on the Green Bay Packers, or if you know half-orcs.








I am assuming those are jokes.  I have to assume that because it's not readily apparent that they are jokes.  "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck" isn't just an old saying.  It's also a way of deciding if something is a duck.  So ersatz jokes ought to at least resemble real jokes, ought they not? They ought.

Also, there is a "Levon James" on Twitter, "Levon James Budding", who says he lives in Las Vegas.  This is his latest Tweet:




It's at least as funny as anything tweeted by Tom Crabtree.

Here is the Drudge Report's take on the NCAA tournament:




I saw that statistic about 9.2 quintillion times, so it is apparently the fact du jour (literally, "the only fact we know") of this year's tournament.  A quintillion is 10 to the 18th power, or a 10 followed by 18 zeroes:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000.

It doesn't look so big like that, does it?  I could take it.

It's nice to see the Drudge Report still out there trying to be relevant.

Just seeing if you're paying attention.
Nate Silver weighs in, statistically:





I looked at the link to try to figure it out, and what you need to know is this: Nate Silver says that everyone's pretty much equally likely to win or not win the NCAA tournament.  STATISTICAL MAGICKRY.  He does predict that Louisville will win it all.  Or at least that portion of "all" that is represented by the NCAA Tournament.

I like the faux (literally: "neato") modesty of the "ICYMI" intro.  You know, Nate Silver isn't trying to bug you with what he thinks about stuff, even though that's how he gets paid.  Nate Silver doesn't really care whether you know what Nate Silver thinks about stuff at all, really, he's not all in-your-face about it.  It's just that if you happen to care about what Nate Silver thinks, and you happen to follow Nate Silver on Twitter but even though both of those are true you also happened to miss that Nate Silver was thinking stuff about stuff, then, hey, Nate Silver is just giving you a gentle nudge to remind you that the thing you care about is in existence, that "thing" being "Nate Silver's thoughts."

Diane Sawyer puts things in perspective:



Those things are all equally important!  This is how I responded to her:





JaceFosterInk wasn't falling for Diane's pro-NCAA, pro-Assad propaganda:




JaceFosterInk is all over that Syrian story that you've kept meaning to read up on only you never do.  Also her site notes that she has won "national awards," but never mentions what those awards are.  I bet it's not an NCAA Tournament trophy!

Want more from the "Sons Of Clemson"? Here you GO:




The college football playoffs, you might want to know, will be determined by a selection committee, which will meet at the end of the season and determine which teams get into the post-season.  Which is COMPLETELY UNLIKE the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, where which teams get into the post-season is determined by a meeting of a selection committee at the end of the season.

"CLEMSON: WE DON'T REALLY GET IT."

Bubba Watson, golfer, throws down the slightly-tacky, one-handed glove:





I think I got what it takes to beat anyone who uses "u" in place of "you" on Twitter. The link takes you to an ESPN site that lets you get into Bubba Watson's bracket group and personally challenge Bubba Watson with your picks.  5,393 people so far think that the NCAA Tournament ONLY has meaning to them if they get to compare their results to Bubba's.  I like the group's motto:

Group Motto: "Challenge professional golfer Bubba Watson"


NOTE: That is not a motto. Or is it? Let's use it in a hypothetical scenario.

MAN: Doctor, I just found out I have a terminal illness brought on by picking up a piece of chewing gum thrown out by a man on a bus, and chewing on it.
 DOCTOR: Gross.
 MAN: I know, right? Anyway, I find myself challenged every day with the question "How can I possibly get up and face this day knowing I am going to die, and also all the flavor was gone anyway?"
 DOCTOR: I'm not sure why I'm in this skit.
 MAN: So you know what I do? I simply look at the sunrise, and repeat to myself one little phrase.
 DOCTOR: "Challenge professional golfer Bubba Watson."
 MAN: What? No. That's stupid. I say "At least I am married to a supermodel."


Note: "Doctor" in that skit was played by Amy Poehler.



Patrick Peterson, a punt returner for the Arizona Cardinals, gets it:



You're kind of flying in the dark there, because Patrick Peterson, Punt Returner, does not provide a link to his bracket.  DOES HE HAVE LOUISVILLE WINNING? You'll never know.

Awesomely, 235 people retweeted that already.  Patrick Peterson, Punt Returner, gets no respect.

Ben Hoffman of "The Ben Show", which will have three more episodes at least until Comedy Central realizes just how cheaply it can air American Dad reruns and get the same ratings, will only entertain you with mock redneck ("mockneck")(?) songs if his team isn't in the Tournament:





Lucky (?) for you (?) Kentucky didn't make it. He swears in the song that link goes to. That's what makes it funny. Robert Flores, take note.

True story: I simply wanted to do a callback to Robert Flores, who is obviously the star of this inaugural post in this category, but then I learned that Robert Flores was once fired for saying saying "f*ck" on the air, even though he didn't mean to.  Nice to see he landed on his feet!  And this:




Is a picture that comes up when you google-image-search "Robert Flores Fired."















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4 comments:

PT Dilloway said...

As bad as the field is this year you might as well just pick winners out of a hat or flip a coin. Or go by mascots. Can a bulldog beat a bison? Bulldogs were bred to kill bulls and bears and stuff right? And a bison shouldn't be much different. Which is why Louisville should lose early because just about anything can beat a cardinal. Though it might be hard for a bulldog to catch a cardinal. But what's the cardinal going to do? Fly around until the bulldog keels over from a heart attack?

Maybe I should pick Michigan to win then because they're Wolverines and wolverines are pretty badass. Except Michigan wolverines are just about nonexistent these days; they're like Bigfoot anymore.

Incidentally, Comedy Central can't air American Dad because Adult Swim on Cartoon Network already airs it.

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Briane said...

I bow to your superior knowledge of rights ownership by cable networks.

But your talk about which mascot is tougher reminded me of that old NFL commercial where the QB for the Cardinals, Jake Plummer, talked about how the Cardinal was the toughest bird ever.

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