Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Best Jobs For Brett Favre When He Finally Doesn't Play Football Anymore (Number 3)

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People think I'm maybe being sarcastic about this, but I'm not. I genuinely want Brett Favre to come back and play football, and to keep doing so for as long as he can throw a football, even if he's doing so as a Minnesota Viking.

And then, I genuinely want Brett Favre to get a new career which is just as satisfying as his football career was, which is why I'm making these helpful suggestions for new careers he could have when he finally doesn't play football anymore. If it's hard for Favre to leave football behind, maybe the blow could be cushioned a little by finding some awesome new thing to do.

Coming up with awesome jobs is not easy, after all. Consider this article on "Six-Figure Jobs You Never Thought Of." Leave aside the fact that I doubt many elementary school principles make over six figures and focus, instead, on the question of who, really, wants to manage a coal mine? Even for six figures?

And who, especially, would want to manage a coal mine when you could, instead, manage a cave?

I bet you never gave any consideration, up until now, to just how hard it is to manage a cave as a tourist attraction. That's because you're not Grant Carey, manager of "Cave of the Winds" in Colorado. Grant knows just how hard it is to compete for tourist dollars with today's high-octane thrill rides. You can't just tell people "Hey, Cave of the Winds is the third-oldest continuously operated for-profit business in Colorado Springs" and expect them to come in droves the way they did back in 1881 (when it was considered exciting simply to be in a place with no lights on, according to Grant.)

No, as great of a selling point as that slogan is, cave management these days calls for something more -- something like laser light shows synchronized to music as you walk through the cave.

That's where Brett Favre comes in. Who, I ask you, would be better at managing the third-oldest continuously-operated for-profit business in Colorado Springs than a veteran quarterback with a penchant for attracting media attention?

I can just hear it now: Brett Favre takes over managing Cave of the Winds, and before long, ESPN will be doing stories on spelunking, and kids will be wearing stalactite hats with the number "4" on them, and John Madden will come out of partial retirement to say that "Brett Favre has brought the magic back to caving because he's old-school. He's a throwback to the early days of cave management."

So while it's pretty obvious right now that Brett will be coming back for a record 73rd consecutive football season, someday, he's going to have to call it quits. I suggest, that when he does finally decide it's over, he hangs his helmet on a stalagmite and begins a career as the Manager of Cave of the Winds.

But not the Cave of the Winds that's near Niagara Falls. That'd be dumb. The Cave of the Winds that's in Colorado Springs.

(Only, Brett, don't actually hang the helmet on a stalagmite, because that'll interfere with the natural growth of the cave and will require your employees to spend extra time with their toothbrushes cleaning the cave, which'll drive up costs and get you off to a bad start. I was only speaking metaphorically.)

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