Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Best Jobs For Brett Favre When He Finally Doesn't Play Football Anymore (Number one)

It's a MiniBest!

Back when I had a sports blog (it's this now) I made no bones about the fact that Brett Favre is the best football quarterback ever and should be allowed to play forever, if he wants -- quarterbacking whatever football team he might want to play on, in the far-distant future, leading a team of renegade humans to an improbable Superbowl victory over the Battlin' Skynets, or over a team fielded by the Legion Of Superheroes, if that's what he chooses to do.

I even had a suggestion for the NFL, one they haven't taken me up on yet, but will -- let Brett play for all 32 teams, playing 1/2 for each team through the course of the season. How wouldn't that be a great outcome?

There are those, though, who continue to feel that Brett should not play football and who continue to take sports as seriously, or more seriously than, they take important subjects like politics and religion and the question of why "Quisp" cereal is so expensive. There are those fans who discuss and obsess over the fate of Brett Favre and talk about it apocalyptic terms, fans like "KidNotorious2001," who last year wrote this about Brett's retirement-then-not:

In closing I just want to ask who are the REAL Lemmings and Kool Aide drinkers here? Those of us who have been following the pack before Favre and will follow them after, or the Johnny come lately's who only know of the Favre years? Favre was foolish in leaving us and, to quote a famous Jedi, "Who is more foolish? The Fool or the fool who follows him?"

Kudos to KidNotorious2001 for cramming, into one paragraph, a nature movie, a reference to Jonestown, and an Obi-Wan quote. In doing so, KidNotorious2001 reached the pinnacle of human literature -- all future writing efforts will pale in comparison to that one.

I'm not like KidNotorious2001; I love the Brett talk -- if it weren't for Brett, what would sports fans talk about in May and June? Baseball's boring, and there's no other major sporting events going on right now, are there? (I'm not including this, as by "major sporting event" I mean "sports that people care about and which are not fixed.")

But I've also come to realize that there will probably be a time when Brett no longer plays football, and that will mean, too, the end to the speculation about which team Brett might play for and also an end to the comments by a bunch of Johnny-Come-Lately's (shouldn't that be "latelies"?) about how Brett Favre is going to bring a rain of fire and destruction down on the skulls of those who dare to want to watch him, or how he will someday lead us, wearing a jersey from the Vikings (or from the Raiders? Or Red Sox? Or maybe he'd play Hooker for the Wildeklawer Griquas Rugby Union? 'cause I'd like one of their jerseys) lead us to the promised land down the Yellow Brick Road through the Candy Cane Forest... or something. Look, it's tough to make up a religion on the spot.

Yes, that day will come that Brett no longer throws touchdown passes (or, as they're called in Rugby, in case he playes for the Griquas, "touchdown passes, mate") but he'll still need something to do and we Brettarians will still want our Brett Media Fixes, so it's in that spirit...

... and I'm finally getting to my point here...

... in that spirit that I have decided to plan for the future not by saving for retirement or working hard, but by helping Brett Favre find the perfect job for when he no longer wants to play football anymore.

And my first choice for that job?

Researcher at the South Pole UV Monitoring Station!

The NSF UV Polar Monitoring Programs network operates a UV Monitoring station at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Monitoring station -- located at the geographical south pole.

This job would be perfect for Brett. First of all, he's from the South, and loves it in the South. Well, what's South-ier than the South Pole?

Second of all, Brett always does better in cold weather. The average temperature at the South Pole is -49 Celsius, which in real ("American") temperatures is... really cold. (The other day, on Jeopardy, a contestant had to, for Double Jeopardy, calculate a Fahrenheit Temperature from a Celsius temperature. When did Jeopardy start requiring math?)

Thirdly, the season goes from September to March -- which makes it fit almost perfectly with the football season, which ends now in Mid-February. Brett wouldn't have to get used to any new rhythms.

From our perspective, as fans, too, it makes perfect sense. They could hook up a webcam and Brett could give daily reports to us on how the UV is doing down there. (I'm not entirely sure what UV is. I think it's a kind of penguin.) Media types could then obsess, yearly, over whether the South Pole ice is receding, whether it would come back in the winter, whether maybe the ice covering would try to obtain its release so that it could go play for a different continent, and Brett could appear on the cover of Discover magazine, with his own personal column in there just ahead of that article they have, every month, on how some telescope somewhere looked further than ever and found some "proof" of dark matter -- since scientists are still trying to get us to buy into that.

So, Brett, when that day finally comes up and you hang up your cleats and drive your bakkie away from the locker room for the last time, have your agent get in touch with ... um... whoever it is that runs the South Pole. And say "hi" to the Penguins for us!

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