Thursday, March 06, 2014

Things I Think Are True About North Dakota. (Infinite Monkeys)

Things I Think Are True About North Dakota.


North Dakota was the 31st state, probably.  It has two senators in the U.S. Senate, almost certainly. It is located North of every other Dakota in the world, hence the name. If you tried to drive across North Dakota without stopping it would take you five hours but you wouldn’t get to stop at Wall Drug, which is not in North Dakota, now that I think about it.

I didn’t say
it would only take you five hours. If it took you more than five hours, it would still take you five hours – plus.  North Dakota is rich in minerals, I bet.  Probably there are oil wells there, or maybe that is where they do fracking, only I think fracking is in Pennsylvania, which was named for William Penn, a pilgrim, maybe.  North Dakota was not named after anyone; Dakota Fanning came later and anyway isn’t famous enough to have a state named after her. Yet. You have to be dead for five years to be on a stamp, I think, but you don’t have to be dead at all to have a state named after you, only they’ve already named all the states and no state ever proposes changing its name, even though that would be cool.

North Dakota is like East Montana. Or it could be like West Minnesota, except when I think of Minnesota I do not think of North Dakota, and that is a true thing I think about North Dakota, although I’m only tangentially thinking about North Dakota when I think that Minnesota is not like North Dakota. 

Thinking one thing is not like another thing is hardly thinking about that second thing, is it?

The entire population of North Dakota would fit comfortably on one block of Manhattan, but they would gripe about the price of ‘cronuts,’I bet. Nobody in North Dakota has ever eaten a ‘cronut,’ I am convinced. But they have eaten elk jerky, if that’s a thing, I mean. Probably.

There was no ‘corrupt bargain’ to bring North Dakota into the union.  The Teapot Dome scandal did not happen there. No president has ever been born in North Dakota, and only two presidents have visited there. Don’t you think that’s true? I’ve never heard of a president visiting North Dakota and it seems like you would hear about it if one had gone there.  “President of the United States” is probably the only position anyone can hold where, when you write about it, you cannot use he/she because no woman has ever been President.

Of the United States, I mean. That is a fact kind of about North Dakota because North Dakota was the 31st state to join the union, probably, and so presidents of the United States are also presidents of North Dakota.


Dakota Fanning has never been to North Dakota, because the world would implode.

8 comments:

Elsie Amata said...

Dakota Fanning has the most annoying scream known to man. It's killed small animals, I think.

The next time I'm in NYC, I'm getting a 'cronut. I hear they now have them off-label at half the cost. I'm so there.

Liz A. said...

Five hour drive across? That's quick.

Briane P said...

See, Liz? Most people don't know that. Or even think they know that.

Elsie:
I'll save that up for my companion piece, "Things I Remember Being Told About Dakota Fanning."

Bring me a cronut!

Elsie Amata said...

I can also bring you home the guys latest invention - a cookie cup…interesting, huh?

Andrew Leon said...

You can drive across the top of Louisiana in about 3 hours, if I'm remembering correctly. That seems right, anyway.

Andrew Leon said...

I think presidents don't go there because ND ate one, once.

Briane P said...

Andrew: explain?

Elsie: explain!

Andrew Leon said...

Explain which?

Actually, I can explain Elsie's. It's a shot-glass-sized cup made from cookie. You put milk in it and eat it that way. It's very Willy Wonka.