Miley's Radioactive Butt. (WRONG!)

By now, you have heard so much about Miley Cyrus' twerking

at the Video Music Awards that you probably think there's nothing new to say about it!

You're right.

There is absolutely nothing new to say about Miley twerking, and there wasn't much old to say about it, either.  It was (as Matt Lauer and a few others pointed out) nothing much to freak out over -- a couple of wannabe controversial pop stars wanting to be controversial, and certainly not the end of the world.

I have a system I use to try to keep from being a horrible horrible person.  Whenever I spend money on something ridiculous, or unnecessary, I try to send an equal amount to a charity or needy person.  Take a vacation to Disneyland? Send some money to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and so on.

I think the same thing could apply to fake culture war issues, like whether Miley Cyrus' butt is destroying society and should be denounced (thank you, Mika Brzezinsksi, for bringing back good old fashioned denouncin' to the public forum!)

That is, for every minute you spend talking about something like Denouncing Miley's butt, you should also spend a minute talking about something that actually matters.  

This rule would apply to people who petitioned the White House to make Ben Affleck not be Batman, everyone who spent an hour saying why the fourth Indiana Jones movie was so awful, or people who worried about Ewoks blinking.

You may ask, why should I do this? Well, if the idea of making yourself be a better person isn't enough -- if you don't want to be the kind of person who, okay, maybe you spent some time worrying about or defending Miley's butt but also you know what the 'debt ceiling' is and why it's important, if you don't want to be that kind of person, at least-- then maybe you could say "Well, I'd at least like to be the kind of person who is on a par, intellectually, with Billy Ray Cyrus."

Billy Ray, you see, tweeted about Syria while the rest of the world was freaking out over Miley's butt.

So I'm not saying you can't watch the VMAs, and I'm not saying you can't be for or against Miley's butt, and I'm not even saying you can't discuss your pro- or anti-Mileybutt stances with friends.  All I'm saying is maybe even it out by thinking about other stuff.

Because here's what else was going on since the VMAs, and as you consider this list, think about how much time you spent thinking about these things?

1. SYRIA:  "If the US kept its bombing to a minimum, the line of thinking goes, the Syrian leader might just ride it out," suggested one article on the impact of Obama's mulling military retaliation in reaction to Syria's reported use of chemical weapons in its civil war.  Another reaction, also discussed in that article, might be that Iran would get involved and start a larger regional war.  I know, I know, it's hard to focus on the possibility of a larger conflict getting us involved in a third war when we can't even end the first two we're in now, but what if you imagined Iran twerking while 4,000 more young men die in a pointless war?

2.  311 square miles of wildfire continue to burn around Yosemite park.  Don't worry! It's not deterring tourists!  Nothing says America! like taking a 3-day weekend to go sit near a wildfire while complaining that Miley's butt is wrecking the country's morals.  Hey, what's this 3-day weekend celebrating, again?

3.  Rape just became the equivalent of a traffic ticket.  Remember how all those Republicans weren't going to get anywhere by repeatedly downplaying the seriousness of rape? While everyone else was debating not just Miley's butt but Daniel Tosh's rape jokes, the actual war on rape suffered a stunning defeat when a judge sentenced a teacher who raped a 14-year-old student to just 30 days in jail, saying the teacher had suffered enough already.  The victim, who as far as I know never even met Miley Cyrus? She's not suffering anymore. She committed suicide.

4. Do you know what a "serious incident on an international scale" means? No? What if I told you it had to do with radioactivity? Still nothing? OK then: It took a MONTH AND A HALF for Japanese officials to discover an 80,000 gallon nuclear leak at Fukushima.  But that isn't even the most serious problem going on there.  Buried in that story, about 10 paragraphs in, is the revelation that radioactive ground water is reaching the ocean.  You know: the ocean? That giant body of water that touches every continent the way Miley touched that other dancer do I have your attention now?

5.  You might have missed that story about Fukushima because there are no scientists left to explain it to reporters.  That's because about 1 in 5 scientists say they might leave the US due to sequestration cutting funding. The US is the only country to actually reduce scientific research funding since 2011.  Yes, Obama supporters: YOUR guy is cutting back on funding.  YOUR guy.  When we all start glowing from radioactive water, assuming we're not too busy dying in the Mideast or being burned alive at campgrounds, we won't have to seek out a scientific explanation for it.


We'll just blame Miley's butt.