Thursday, October 21, 2010

The 13 Best World Records (You Wouldn't Think Would Be World Records.)

I love World Records. You love World Records. Everyone loves World Records. Maybe not to the extent that I do, but still, we all love them. World Records are, like our own kids or other people's puppies, pure pleasure. (I say "other people's puppies" because you don't want to own a puppy; that's a lot of work. You want to visit a puppy.)

And what I love Best about World Records is that nowadays, anyone can set a World Record. It used to be that you had to be a great athlete, or a brilliant test pilot, or at least a giant mountain to set a World Record, but no longer. With the increased democratization of human civilization...

...note: The prevalence of World Records has nothing to do with "the increased democratization of human civilization," but things sound more impressive when you say that. Try it yourself, with any sentence, and see if I'm not right. Say to your husband right now "With the increased democratization of human civilization, you really ought to stop eating Cheetos right before bedtime." It didn't work when Sweetie said it to me, but it might help you and your spouse work things out...

with that democratization & whatnot, anyone can now set a World Record. All you have to do is think of something so weird to do that nobody else has ever done it, and then go do that thing. You'll have a World Record.

Of course, when you do that and become famous, that'll now let people know that the Weird Thing you did can be done, and a few months later, someone else is going to set their own World Record with your weird thing, so your fame will be short-lived, but short-lived fame is what America's all about, now, isn't it? So that's okay.

Over the next few days, or weeks, or however long it is until I move on to something else, I'll detail those extra-special records for you, beginning with:

1. The Largest Sushi Mosaic.

You thought I was going to talk about Toast Mother-In-Law, didn't you? But that mosaic is too prosaic for inclusion on this list. 9,852 pieces of toast doesn't stack up (literally) to the 8,374 pieces of sushi made into a mosaic that also featured 120 kilos of rice and 65 kilos of Norwegian Salmon. (I wish that people who wrote for news sites remembered that everything in the world should be geared towards Americans, who still use units of measurements invented by the Pilgrims to celebrate religious tolerance [of religions they like] and religious intolerance [of religions they didn't.])

And remember what I said about finding something weird, doing it, and then holding the World Record for only a short time? It's true here: The previous World's Largest Sushi Mosaic Record was set by a group of students in Mumbai, who in March, 2008, made a 5,814-piece, 15 square meter sushi mosaic.

They did that in order to break the previous Sushi Mosaic World Record, set by a group of certified Polish accountants in November, 2007.

Somewhere, you just know there is a group of Kenyan Stenographers gathering up Norwegian salmon, all set to take down the latest record.

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