Friday, May 14, 2010

The First Best Food That Never Existed.

It's a MiniBest!

Have you ever been reading a book, or watching a movie or TV show, and the characters in the book start eating or drinking something, and you think Man, that looks good?

What, it's just me?

Okay, so it is just me, and I probably need help. But until that help arrives, I'm stuck with characters in books creating cravings for me, which is tough because first, I'm usually reading late at night, or in some other situation where I can't just get in the car and go pick up whatever it is I've started craving, and I never have the stuff in our house, and tough for me because second, sometimes the thing that the book has made me want doesn't so much exist.

I've written here about books that never existed and musicals that never existed, and it's time to touch on the third leg of that mystical set, The Best Foods That Never Existed : those foods that authors and writers create for their characters to eat and drink, making them out of thin air.

It's a subject that I know something of, having once started (but never finished, yet) a story called Sweetie Cupcake, in which a guy surreptitiously looks up the secret web history of a girl he used to like in high school, only to find that she was searching for him, and he then quits his job and goes to where she lives, where he learns that she was googling his name because she's getting married and wants to have her wedding serve as a sort of high school reunion. To try to stop her from getting married, he uses his new job as a gourmet cupcake delivery boy -- for the Sweetie's Cupcakes shop -- to try to get her fat so her fiance will break up with her.

You know, I don't know why I ever stopped writing that. I should get back to that.

Until I do, though, I'm focusing on fake foods for the May MiniBests, and The First Best Food That Never Existed is...

The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

Invented by Douglas Adams, beloved by Ford Prefect, feared by others, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is found in the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy trilogy and is described in the Hitchhiker's Guide (itself a fictional book) thusly:

The best drink in existence is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effect of drinking one of these is rather like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon, wrapped around a large gold brick. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will tell you on which planets the best ones are brewed, how much you can expect to pay for one, and which voluntary organizations exist to help you recover afterwards.

After reading that, and after watching Ford Prefect drink Blaster after Blaster throughout the books, I want one. I don't even drink and I want one. I'd like one right now... and it's 7 a.m.

Adams even supplied the recipe for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster 1 bottle Ol' Janx Spirit. 1 measure Santraginean seawater. 3 cubes frozen Arcturan MegaGin. 4 liters Fallian marsh gas. 1 measure Qualactin Hypermint Extract. 1 Algolian Suntiger tooth. Zamphour to taste. Olive garnish. Take the juice from one bottle of the Ol' Janx Spirit (see page 15 of the actual Guide). Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V -- Oh, that Santraginean seawater, it says. Oh, those Santraginean fish! Allow three cubes of Arcturan MegaGin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost). Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble thrugh it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the marshes of Fallia. Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint Extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet and mystic. Drop in the tooth of an Algolan Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolan suns deep into the heart of the drink. Sprinkle Zamphour. Add an olive. Drink... but... very... carefully.


I wonder how it would go with my usual lunch of Ramen noodles and leftover lasagna sandwiches?


All the MiniBests!

The Best Book That Never Actually Existed... But Should.

The Best Fake Musical In A Real Movie.

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