There's really no reason for this post to exist, other than I like Better Off Ted, and I was, in theory, working while playing that show on my computer.
1. "I work full time and I have an 8-year-old daughter. I don't even have time for a one-some."
2. "I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles."
3. "I don't want a sex disease. Especially one that's been assigned to me by my supervisor."
4. "What am I supposed to do, go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mines, after I made that big speech, threw down my cheese shovel, and walked out?
5. "Children: They have so many uses. They're like adorable Swiss army knives."
6. "Now I know what a beard of fingers would feel like."
7. "That's just something the elevator said."
8. "I just lied to myself about opening a jelly jar. Which is worrisome."
9. "I'm terrible at insults. As a child, I was beaten up constantly. The best comeback I could come up with was 'You're right, I'll work on that.'
10. "Can't we develop one product that doesn't end up being used to kill people? Even our fat-free cinnamon roll led to that new sticky bomb."
11. "We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates!"
12. "No one respects us. Not even that cafeteria lady with that hideous tongue birthmark that looks like a smaller and more hideous tongue."
13. "I was the best thing that ever happened to Derek Spooner until he froze to death in the cooler while getting high!"
14. "One minute you're flying high with Chet, and the next you're buried in the desert with a bullet in your skull. Or whatever the kid equivalent is. Probably something with poop."
15. "Finally I have a good reason not to be implanted with an orangutan embryo."
16. "Cows. Well, no, we don't make cows. Although we have made a sheep."
17. "Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I can't. Because that would be giving up."
18. "At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them. But we're not... because people can't eat them."
19. "The point is, the company's not comfortable with him working on new projects until we're sure he's not going to sue us for whatever did, or probably did not, happen."
20. "Kids: God's little awkward moment machines."
21. "I have tons of ex-boyfriends, Ted. Well, not tons, but many. A few. Just the right amount."
22. "It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk."
23. "Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized."
24. "And the next time some survey asks how happy you are, you check very or I'll give you something to be happy about."
25. "Another time, another place, two other people... it could have been magniflorious."