The Best Kind Of Joke

I enjoy a good joke as much as the next guy. More than that, I enjoy a bad joke. I am all about really, really stupid jokes, the kind that make you say things like "Oh, Jesus, what did I marry?"

Okay, you don't say things like that. Sweetie does, though, when I break out the bad jokes. Bad jokes like this:

Q: What did the hat say to the coat on the rack?
A: You hang around here, I'll go on ahead.

Get it? Ahead. A head. Go on a head.

Priceless.

And there are plenty of classic jokes out there, so many that they can be broken into categories. The knock-knock joke:

Knock knock...
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?

(Say that out loud.)(Thanks to the Middle Daughter for that one, which she got me with.)
Or this one:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow -- MOO!

(When you tell that one, you have to interrupt the listener's last line [interrupting cow who?] with a loud MOOO!

Beyond knock-knocks, there are the puns, in stories, like the one about Eric the Red's son, Rudolph, cancelling a trip because he feared bad weather. When one man's wife protested to him that the trip should go on , he tells her that they should not go and should listen to the boss. Why? Because Rudolph The Red Knows Rain, Dear.

I love it.

Or the pun can be in a simple short joke. What type of breakfast do ships eat? Boatmeal. Breakfast lends itself to that type of joke: What type of cereal is popular in the afterlife? Ghost Toasties.

There are also the word combination jokes: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

Again, probably best to say it out loud.

And I know, elephant jokes themselves are their own category: The elephant in the refrigerator (Tracks in the butter), how do you get an elephant into a tree (have it sit on an acorn and wait).

But the best type of joke of all (not the Best Joke; I've already nominated that one-- The Monk Joke ) is one that's so simple, it lends itself to almost any premise:

The Walking Into A Bar Premise.

The Walking Into A Bar joke is perfect. It can be job specific:

An proton walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, no atoms in here." The proton says, "I'm not an atom." The bartender says "Are you sure?" The proton says, "I'm positive."

It can be geared towards little kids and puns:

A snowman walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't come in here." The snowman says, "Why not? I'm an ice guy."

Say it fast, and out loud. You'll get it.

Or it can be a slightly-older skewing anthropomorphized pun:

Three strings want to go out for drinks. The first string walks into the bar and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here." So the string leaves, dejected, and the second string says, "I'll talk him into it," and goes inside, but again the bartender says "We don't serve strings here." The second string leaves. The third string says, "I've got it," and messes up its ends a little until they're all loose. Then he twists himself into a loop and goes in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "No, I'm afraid not."

And if you don't get that one, I won't explain it.

And the bartender doesn't always have to try to kick them out:

A man walks into a bar carrying an alligator. He says, "Bartender, do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender says, "Sure, I guess so." The man says "Fine, I'll have a beer, and a lawyer for my alligator."

But I think beyond its versatility, what I truly love about the Walking Into The Bar joke is that it can go beyond the simple into the metaphysical. It can become a metajoke, something more than a mere punch line. The first time I heard the best of these type of jokes, it took a second, and then I got it, and it was hilarious in a somewhat strange way. So I'll leave you with the best of the Best Type of Joke, the ultimate best Walking Into a Bar joke:

A man walked into a bar. And said "Ouch."

Perfect.


How do you illustrate this column? You don't. The pictures have nothing to do with the topic. They're just pictures I took and liked. Enjoy!