Thursday, September 10, 2009

The worst part was when that guy was just standing in a corner, at the end. (Oops... Spoiler Alert!) (The Best Actual Horror Movie Monsters, 2)

It's a MiniBest!

I liked the movie Sweetie and I saw, The Final Destination, or, as I like to call it, The Final-est Destination, just fine. The 3-D worked well, and the movie itself was not bad, given that I kind of knew what to expect from it.

But I remain unscared by it and still perturbed that people call The Final Destination 4: Final Boogaloo a "horror movie." It's not, because there's no monsters or demons or anything like that in it, nothing to make it a horror movie. In my book, a horror movie has to have some kind of supernatural thing-that's-not-human coming after things-that-are-humans. Inanimate objects, viruses, giant radioactive monsters: those don't count as horror monsters.

That doesn't mean those movies aren't good (even though many of them aren't), it just means that they're not horror movies. (Also not a horror movie? The Silence of The Lambs. No matter how many times people say it is a horror movie, it's not a horror movie, not unless CSI and Law & Order: SVU are horror movies.)(Also also not horror movies? Psycho, Jaws and Halloween. Sorry, "Movie Lists." You got three wrong in the first 10.)

To continue teaching the world what is or is not a horror movie, I'm now presenting the SECOND of the Best Actual Horror Movie Monsters, which is:

The Blair Witch.

I'm going to confess to something here. Sweetie and I saw The Blair Witch Project back when it first came out, and it scared me. Here's how much it scared me: We lived in an apartment complex at the time, and we came home from the movie about 10 p.m. It was, of course, dark outside and we parked our car and walked towards the apartment complex, and as we neared the small group of bushes and a single tree, I got a little nervous, because they were kind of like the woods in the movie.

That's not bad enough. The next night, I went for a jog, and I opted, because it was getting a little dark, to not jog down the wooded path I usually would have taken. Instead, I stuck to the well-lit streets, and shied away whenever there was a copse of trees or group of bushes to go by, again because I didn't want to get caught by The Blair Witch.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that. Well, I'm a little embarrassed, but not completely embarrassed, because it's not so much that I'm a weenie (I am). It's more that The Blair Witch Project was an awesomely frightening movie that sunk so deep into my psyche the moment I saw it that I'm surprised I can even look at a forest nowadays.

It was that scary all because of The Blair Witch her (it?) self -- the unseen, mysterious haunting presence that may have been a serial killer, may have been some hillbillies, and may have been an actual witch, but which really was...just my imagination.

Horror movies always work best if they let our own minds scare us. As frightening as it can be to see a semi-trailer truck bearing down on the glass window of a coffee shop [I'D SAY SPOILER ALERT BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MOVIE I'M TALKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND THINK TO YOURSELF "I BET HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE THE FINAL DESTINATION: THIS TIME IT'S REALLY FINAL" IN WHICH CASE, YOU'RE RIGHT AND IN WHICH CASE: SPOILER ALERT!], as frightening as that can be, it's not half as frightening as the thing that we imagine might be in the woods, or in that abandoned cabin...

... or in the bushes outside of our apartment complex. Look, I already admitted I'm a weenie, all right? Let it go.

Read More MiniBests Here.

You know what's really scary? Evil Supercomputers. Read which one is the Best here.

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