Our Time-O-Scope Shows
That All Of The Kids At The Science Fair Will Go On To Do Great Things, Except
For Tommy, Who Will Die Horribly By The End Of This Fair.
“Welcome,
everyone, to the 14th annual Bronson LaFollette 8th Grade
Science Fair, where this year for the first time we will be judging the entries
not just on originality, completeness, and scientific accuracy, but also on how
much today’s performance in the science fair impacts your little darling’s
future performance in society, thanks to the Time-O-Scope that Mr. Ott has
finally perfected, and the patent for which he has generously granted to the
school after using it to realize that the three children born to his marriage
would actually be the result of an affair his wife is having with his brother,
one which started, ironically, at the same time he began to devote himself to
inventing the Time-O-Scope! Could’ve
used this little number before you actually invented it, eh, Mr. Ott? Live and
learn, live and learn.”
“We’ve
already actually spent a little time – heh, heh – sorting through the
preliminary entries, and while we’d like to think the future is malleable, Mr.
Ott has definitively proven that it isn’t, and so we can announce that each of
you kids, the best and brightest our Advanced Placement Science Program has to
offer, are destined for great and wonderful contributions to the human race,
except for you, Tommy. You won’t live out the day.
“And
while we’d like to reward everyone
with a prize package, life doesn’t work that way. Don’t worry – 13 of the 14 of
you will have long, fascinating lives in which you will receive fame and
fortune and help out your brethren on this planet, so even if you don’t get a
gift certificate to Mel’s Pizzeria today, you are all, each and every one of
you, winners. Yes, even you, Tommy, but it won’t do you much good.”
“No,
please don’t stand so close to me, Tommy. It won’t matter, in the end, but I’d
rather not get soot and ashes on my suit. Just had it dry-cleaned! As long as
you’re here, though, I can give you your prize: Third Place, for your entry
‘Solar Powered Submersibles Can Explore The Sea Efficiently!” Your model of a
submarine and the tether that lets it run on solar power even when it is
hundreds of fathoms underwater is truly ingenious, and we have no doubt you’d
have gone on to do even greater things in oceanography if it wasn’t for the
fact that you’re a goner within the next hour.”
“Sorry
– 45 minutes. Didn’t realize it was so late!”
“Second
Place goes to Ellie, for her – not now, Tommy, this is really Ellie’s
moment—for her entry “Soil Replacements
Will End Crop Rotation.” Ellie, this kind of idea will revolutionize… why
are you crying, sweetie? He’s your best friend? Well, that is very sad. Give him a hug,
quick! And then maybe think about the Radley boy. He’s going to win the Heisman
Trophy in seven years! … and, don’t forget this! It’s a red ribbon, and as
second place you get $10 worth of free play at Ned’s Arcade! Don’t spend it all
on Pac Man! Heh, heh!”
“Tommy!
Please, try to be a bit of a man about this.
I promise you that it won’t hurt, if that’s any consolation. At least not for long. And everyone will be amazed by how your… well, I shouldn’t
say too much. That’s the danger of the
Time-O-Scope! While it can give us a clear look at a future that is set in as
rigid a pattern as the crystalline latticework of our first prize winner,
sometimes the knowledge would be better off not known! Just ask Mr. Ott! Or
Tommy!”
“Or
ask Nelson, who of course grew those crystals that can serve as superconductors
for ultra-thin computers, and not only earned himself early admission at the
magnet high school for science careers, but a $25 gift certificate to The Hobby
Lobby! Nelson, despite my general dsire
to not tell everyone all that I now know about your futures, I don’t mind
telling you that when you spend that
$25 on electromagnets, it’s going to help you use these crystals to create a
way to nearly instantaneously catalog and sequence DNA, so even though it takes
you 10 years to do that, it’s well worth it, Mr. Nobel Prize Winner, 2030! Come
up here, son, and shake my hand. You’ll
also want to be well away from Tommy, of course.”
“There
you go, son! Congratulations, again, and let’s have a big round of applause for
all our young scientists and engineers, the future leaders of tomorrow, except
for Tommy, whose only remaining mark on the earth will be a bench erected on
the spot where he’s sitting now. Can we
get Tommy’s parents to load his project up in their station wagon? No sense
leaving these things to the last minute.
Now, with that, I’ve got to go and figure out who it is Mr. Ott shoots a
month from now. I can’t stop it, but I might want to be first at the estate
sale.”
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6 comments:
Did you say a $25 gift card to Hobby Lobby? That's a spectacular prize! Imagine the quality of Christian-themed sympathy card you could buy to bring to Tommy's funeral!
I don't know what a Hobby Lobby is...
But that's a great story.
Beer:
I know! I found it amazing that The Hobby Lobby was sponsoring a science fair, let alone that kind of support.
Andrew:
Hobby Lobby is the company that's challenging the Obamacare requirement that they provide insurance coverage that covers birth control. To quote Wonderella: "Ironically, saying "I shop at Hobby Lobby" remains the most effective form of birth control."
Oh, them!
That's why the name was familiar even though I didn't know what it was.
Yikes. Poor Tommy.
But he did win a prize, so...
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