Thursday, June 27, 2013

On the other hand, at least the movie's not based on a board game. (365 Poems, #43)

about 1/9 of the way through this!


Love is Not All (Sonnet XXX)

 
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain; 
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink 
And rise and sink and rise and sink again; 
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath, 
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone; 
Yet many a man is making friends with death 
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone. 
It well may be that in a difficult hour, 
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release, 
Or nagged by want past resolution's power, 
I might be driven to sell your love for peace, 
Or trade the memory of this night for food. 
It well may be. I do not think I would. 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you read that poem, you realize that while 90% of the poem argues that love isn't what you need to survive, the speaker would not trade even the memory of that single night with her lover for food or peace -- even if the need for food or peace was "past resolution's power."

So is the rest of the poem an effort to convince the speaker herself? Or is it instead simply a statement of fact -- that despite it being that love cannot be eaten or drunk or floated after a shipwreck, the proof that love is more powerful than all those things lies in the fact that men kill themselves for lack of love?

The Hot Actress is Naomi Watts, who stars in the "most controversial movie" of the year:  "Adoration."  The plot?


The real story unfolds when Roz had a passionate one-night stand with Lil's son Ian (Xavier Samuel). Roz's son and Ian's best friend Tom (James Frecheville) found out about the one night thing and told Lil about the rendezvous. Consequently, Tom took revenge against his mother and his best friend through having a revenge affair with Lil.


You could see that movie, or you could simply watch the humorous video from Andy Samberg from which the plot is stolen:


I'm FREE to be what I want, and also to get free stuff, any old time.

You immediately remembered that "Soup Dragons" song, right?  All right, forget the Soup Dragons, if you CAN.  I mean, that 90s alt-pop is catchy, isn't it? It really is.  I'm humming it right now.  NO I MEAN IT, forget the Soup Dragons!  Instead, focus on the free stuff 2013 I am talking to you about.

That is, I'm talking to you, now, about All-Free-Samples.com, a website that -- wait for it-- gives you FREE STUFF.  Hence the name.

(I think "Hence The Name" would be an awesome name for, well, anything.)

I'm easily distracted today.  Focus.  Focus, man.  Focus on the travel freebies offered by All-Free-Samples.com.  What's that I said? TRAVEL STUFF? Yes, I did.

All-Free-Samples.com is the place to begin planning your awesome summer travels and vacations and whatnot.  Right now, on that sight, they've got dozens, or more, free offers that will help you get away and have fun this summer.  Free nights at Choice Hotels.  Free National Parks apps -- National Parks! They've got geysers! Have you ever seen a geyser? NO? Now's your chance.  Get your app, find a geyser, book a free hotel room nearby, get your free Sierra Club rucksack -- also offered on their site -- and hike to that geyser!  Then use the free admission to all the cool stuff (science museums, etc., etc.) to extend your vacation out, all for NOTHING.  FREE.  Awesome.  You can use some of the money you save on a postcard to send to me.

Anyway: bottom line? Free stuff, on that site.  Not just travel freebies, but all kinds of freebies.  You could probably live your whole entire life for free just by visiting that site daily.  Oh, man, now I'm going to try that. ADIOS!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Stock Photo Self Help!

Everything I know, I learned from the people in Stock Photos.  TRUE STORY.


Friday, June 21, 2013

A word for a fellow writer, plus a free book.

I thought I'd let everyone know that Dieter Moitzi's book, "Miss Otis Regrets. And Other Short Stories" is for a limited time free on Amazon.

I know Dieter because he recently won a copy of one of my books in a contest and he and I have been exchanging humorous (?) emails. He let me know about the promotion on this book, and I figured it was worth sharing, because (A) Free book + (B) it sounds really good.  THAT'S MATH AND YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH MATH.

Click here to go to the page to buy the book.  Remember, "buy" is a euphemism. It's free all weekend. LIKE ME. (I have no social life.)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Calling Patton Oswalt! (Overthinking Stuff)

Today's Dinosaur Comics:



Was every bit as funny as back when it was a joke on Scrubs:




Confused about Patton Oswalt's inclusion in this post? This will explain.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Great, now I'm hungry AND I need to see if Sweetie likes "bruschetta". (Quotent Quotables)

I have a date in a war zone.

That's not bad going, actually, but now I need an Italian trattoria with check tablecloths and linen napkins.  I need bruschetta (that's "broo-Sket-uh," not "brushetter," a slender piece of ciabatta toasted and brushed with garlic and oil and covered in fresh tomato and basil -- the chunks inevitably fall off the bread and the olive oil runs over your lips and down your chin.  The whole thing is delicious, deeply physical and delightfully undignified, and a woman who can eat a real bruschetta is a woman you can love and who can love you.  Someone who pushes the thing away because it's messy is never going to cackle at you toothlessly across the living room of your retirement cottage or drag you back from your sixth heart attack by sheer furious affection. Never happen.  You need a woman who isn't afraid of a faceful of olive oil for that)
 -- From "The Gone-Away World," by Nick Harkaway.


It's probably just something like "importing and exporting."

I honestly don't know how insurance agents stay in business anymore.

Insurance agents exist, as far as I can tell, to take up space in that one building near the minimall, you know the one, where there's also a 'gift shop' that nobody ever goes into and that one office that just says "Joelson," without an explanation?  Oh, and also they -- the agents, not the gift shop or "Joelson"-- are there to help people find lower cost insurance while getting the same coverage, which is no longer necessary because now you can get cheap auto insurance Los Angeles or almost anywhere just by looking on the Internet.

Which is awesome: you used to have to go and talk to people to find insurance quotes, and then take your agents word for which one was best.  "I found you a policy, seems a little expensive, but trust me, this one is definitely the cheapest one out there, don't worry you can pay for it by selling a kidney," and then they drive off in their fleet of Porsches which for some reason are pulled by Percherons in full regalia.

Now, though, you can compare and contrast quotes yourself, immediately:  Go to that site, online -- you could do it once you finish reading this!-- and give them some basic information and you'll find out what insurance companies will charge you for the same coverage on your same car -- and you can save money that way, save time that way,  and avoid having to find out what "Joelson" does.

Monday, June 17, 2013

All right, that's enough, reading is reading no matter how you do it, okay? (Overthinking Stuff)

RE: Today's "XKCD."


I read this and instantly realized it was related to a story I heard about where Google is going to give people the Internet through balloons, a story I haven't bothered to look up to read yet, and now I won't have time to because this cartoon irritated me.

One could take it as a commentary on how the future sneaks up on people -- drifting in silently on a balloon to bring the entire world of knowledge to a guy trapped in the middle of nowhere with just one book-- a powerful metaphor, perhaps, for the elevation that expanding one's ability to learn and communicate would have over such a hermit...

..except for that Augh!, which implies that this is perhaps a bad thing, and I don't get it: why is the Internet a bad thing? There is not a single thing that the Internet does that cannot be recreated in the real world.  I get it if people want to pretend that all 'screens' (ARRGH I HATE THAT A SCREEN IS JUST A PAGE IF THE SCREEN YOU ARE READING IS A PAGE FROM A BOOK SO TURNING OFF 'SCREENS' IS THE SAME THING AS TURNING OFF THE BOOKS, IT'S THE CONTENT NOT THE DELIVERY SYSTEM) are bad -- I get that people want to pretend that, anyway, or maybe believe it, but they're not: as I pointed out here, kids today can still do all the crummy things we did as kids only now they have access to a whole world of awesomeness made possible by handheld computers that can almost literally let you have a wand fight using real magic, almost... almost.  That's so far way better than fake swordfights when we were kids that I don't even know how to quantify it.

But this cartoon?

This is just saying that the arrival of the Internet -- and in particular the arrival of it via a company which has as one of its stated goals the incorporation of every book ever written into the Internet -- the arrival of the Internet is a bad thing.  Is there any other way to take this comic? Any other way to interpret this solitary reader's startling fear at being told the Internet exists, than that the Internet is bad?

THAT is an alarming take from the guy who writes XKCD, who has always seemed to me to be something of a pretty smart guy.  I thought it was bad enough when Neil de Grasse Tyson, science-ruiner-in-chief, tried to crap all over Felix's Leap From Space, but now a guy with a physics degree who used to design robots for NASA is championing books over the Internet, and literally doing that over the Internet.

I get the impulse to poke fun at one's background: I tell lawyer jokes.  But I wonder if XKCD author is aware that his cartoon can only be read by me because of the Internet, and that absent the Internet, which is now available on balloons to carry his comics to other people, I would never have read his comic.  Absent the Internet, is a stick-figure comic strip about obscure physics topics going to make it into a book or newspaper? NOT HARDLY.

I mean, this isn't even a smart  joke or a funny joke or a wry commentary or a pun.  It's just... nihilism.  It's just saying stuff for the sake of saying stuff, and in doing so it not only manages to not be funny, but it manages to detract from the science and intelligence that many other XKCD strips aim to bring to people.  The other day, he had a strip showing the heights of ice shelves in the last ice age compared to the heights of cities and has done countless other strips that make scientific topics fun and interesting and now, apparently to fill space, he for some reason decides to make a point about... what?

About how bad it is that the Internet could come to rural places? Rural folk in New Zealand shouldn't have access to the same wealth of information we do?

About how books are great and the Internet is bad?  You know what was a book back before there was an Internet? "101 Uses For A Dead Cat."   Know what is an Internet site now? "Pro Publica", a site that today has stories on how Bank of America deliberately ripped off foreclosed homeowners, and an in-depth review of the Patriot Act provisions people have forgotten about.  BY ALL MEANS, LET'S READ BOOKS NOT THE INTERNET.

This cartoon is JUST STUPID.  I don't think I've ever gone from zero to incensed quite so quickly.  Seriously.  This cartoon is the pits, and it's made all the more stupid by the fact that it is written by someone who should know better.

AND all the more stupid-er by the fact that the little "hidden text" joke is a joke about how it would be funny to rip off companies like Verizon that offer 14-day free trials of internet hot spots.  YES, THAT IS FUNNY AS FUNNY AS IT WILL BE WHEN THE BIG CABLE COMPANIES LIKE COMCAST CONTROL ALL OF THE INTERNET IN AMERICA AND NET NEUTRALITY IS A THING OF THE PAST AND SMALL WEBSITES LIKE PEOPLE THAT USE IT FOR WEBCOMICS CAN'T GET SEEN BY ANYONE.

ha. ha.


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stock Photo Self-Help: Education.

Want to live a live like the happy, well-adjusted, oddly-clothed people in stock photos? This series will show you how!


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Brett Favre Legacy Update (Nonsportsmanlike Conduct!)

"So what I'm sayin' is, it just MEANT MORE to win one
during the 90s, know what I mean?"



Let's get one thing straight: when Brett Favre and the Packers split up, I chose sides, and the side I chose was the winning side (provided that by "winning" you mean "technically,  not really winning when it counts ever again.")  So when I read this headline:

Brett Favre Admits Fault For Divorce From The Packers


My reaction could be summed up as:




Luckily for me, Favre wasn't the only one willing to blame someone other than Favre for the tension between the team that didn't want the man that didn't want the team:

Retired quarterback Brett Favre is taking some of the blame for his ugly departure from the Green Bay Packers.
Favre told WGR 550-AM in Buffalo on Thursday that he was "at fault" in the breakup, though he says he feels like "both sides had a part in it."

The old "It's my fault that it's so much your fault" routine is not the only thing Favre's doing to get Ol' Number 4 retired.  He's also trading text messages with Aaron Rodgers, according to that same story.

But DO NOT get the impression that Rodgers likes Favre.  As anyone who's ever read Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! knows, Aaron Rodgers doesn't like anyone, including cancer patients. So while he's willing to text Favre, he doesn't see himself as a mediator, according to that same article.

I was going to create a series of fake texts between Favre and Rodgers to demonstrate that, but the apps to do that turn out to be really annoying, and also I found this ACTUAL text message exchange:




That's supposedly a set of texts between Minnesota 'quarterback' Christian Ponder and his wife, after Rodgers became worth more than all the rest of the state of Wisconsin this year, in a move that will doom the  Green Bay Packers to Colts-like upper-level mediocrity for the next 7 years.  

The joke is somewhat less funny when you realize that it would take 151 years for the average person on unemployment to make as much as Christian Ponder makes in a single year. Ponder -- a bottom-tier quarterback on an afterthought of a football team -- makes $192,000 per month.

Feel better about yourself now? Have fun at work today! Hey, maybe wear that NFL-team logo tie you got for your birthday last year!


Nonsportsmanlike Conduct! has been devoted to monitoring Brett Favre's Legacy since Brett Favre's Legacy first became possible; read prior installments here. 

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Stock Photo Self-Help

Or, how to live the kind of life you thought only the happy, well-groomed people in stock photos could have.

Today:  Business.


You will make your way to the top more quickly if you read the newspaper daily, and remember to keep your business secrets safely zipped into your jeans pocket.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Or....... was it? (365 poems, Poem 42)

Bad Morning
by Langston Hughes

Here I sit
With my shoes mismated.
Lawdy-mercy!
I's frustrated!
______________________________________________________________________

What I found most interesting, really,  about this poem, was how simple it was -- seemingly.  If you read any Langston Hughes, you know that his poems are about racial and class divisions, poems designed to read like diatribes that rhyme, and then you come across this poem, and I read it and thought "neat", but then I thought, no, there's go to be more than that and I remembered William Carlos Williams' "Red Wheelbarrow," a poem that is sparse but still paints a picture of a farm and family near the edge of poverty.

So I took another look at this poem, and wondered, could it be about poverty? Could it be a parody of what the upper class (and white) people thought about blacks when Hughes was writing?

Yeah, I think so.

Here's another thing I learned today: before he wrote his first novel, Hughes was supported by a woman for two years who was deemed his "patron," sort of the way rich families would support artists in the Renaissance. It'd be nice if things worked that way, now, wouldn't it? Imagine if Bill Gates would send me a check for $10,000,000 so I could finally finish that short story I'm working on. Instead of having to shill for pennies by posting obvious click-bait like poems by Langston Hughes.  NOTHING gets people on the Internet going to your site like posting a Langston Hughes poem.

Oh, yeah, there's also this, which I throw in to get the snobbish literary elite:

"Name a hot actor," I said to Sweetie.
"Start pulling your weight on this blog," I told her.
"JT Timberlake," she said,
which is not his name.
(NOTE: THIS WAS NOT A HAIKU)

Art, for the rest of us.

La la lalala la la laaa

Oh, hello! Don't mind me! I was just singing my favorite part of my favorite song, the beginning to "Get A Job" by "The Offspring." CLASSIC.  It's a classic.

But as long as you're here, I can leave off my individual karaoke and let you know that you should NOT BUY ART ON THE STREET CORNERS.  Seriously.  You know all those sales that crop up on busy street corners or in the far edge of the parking lot at Kroger's?  "Starving artist" sales and the like? Yeah, don't buy from them, because they don't have the kind of great art you can get at a Fine Art Gallery like Amour d'Art.

Amour d'Art is an online gallery that lets you get fine art at quality prices -- get it? Quality = good-- and you can shop for the art at your leisure, sitting at your desk, keeping your monitor pointed away from the room where nobody can tell what you're doing, so it's like you're getting PAID to shop for ART.

(NOTE: Not an endorsement of slacking at work, but let's face it, you do.)

Amour d'Art has Pino Art and works by Tarkey, and the selection is always being updated and constantly worth looking at. So spice up your home, your office, your... what else do people decorate? Their cars? No, that's not right. Why can't I think of a third thing?

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Up until today I thought I was more significant than a "Moo Box." (Greatest Thing In The World, EVER!)

This is not a part of my ongoing quest to get the "Comment of the Week" Status on Josh Fruhlinger's "Comics Curmudgeon" (but it can't hurt, right? Sycophancy never hurts.)

OH MAN I just came up with a whole new motto for me and everyone else in the world.  By the time you read this that will be the subhead for this blog.

Anyway, here's what I'm on about now, as the British would say probably, maybe? I don't know any British folk.  Technically, that's not true.  I know my "aunt," Suzanne, who I believe is British but isn't really my aunt because she and my uncle never married.  Or maybe they did, now, because I haven't spoken to Uncle Doug in years.  Who knows? Anyway, she's British, as is Prince Harry of Wales, and while I don't know him, I know of him and that's about the same thing, at least insofar as my chances of ever getting knighted are concerned.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the latest Greatest Thing In The World Ever, which is this:


That's a real book, and an e-book, and it's real funny (and e-funny.)  I ate lunch today, as I do everyday, and at lunch today I thought to myself "What should I read while I eat lunch?" my choices being:

-- HuffPo
-- "The Brothers Karamazov,"
-- "The Gone Away World"
-- Other stuff like The New Yorker but I wasn't really going to read them so it was pretty much those three.

Then I thought "Hey, I'll read The Comics Curmudgeon instead," which you'd think (previously noted sycophancy and it's relationship to hurting already noted) was based on that being A BRILLIANT WEBSITE THAT OCCUPIES MY MIND ALL THE TIME AND I READ IT EVERY DAY.

Now that Josh Fruhlinger is no longer reading this post but instead has gone to tell all his 'buddies' (he uses the term ironically, I bet) that some guy on the Internet thinks he's brilliant, I can reveal the SECRET REAL REASON I READ THE COMICS CURMUDGEON which was:

My internet was loading slowly and so when I tried to go to the HuffPo front page to see the news, it took more than 3 seconds and I got bored and went instead to a different site, with the first one that came up being The Comics Curmudgeon.

So this post is basically being sponsored, as it were, by the simple-but-true-fact that if you make someone wait more than 5 seconds for something their brain stops focusing on that thing, which is actually probably true, if you take as "true" that I once heard something on Freakonomics, I think, about a hospital that revised its ER computers to provide medical histories faster because if a person waits 10 seconds that person, even an ER doctor, will forget what he or she was doing (I used "she" because doctors can be women, you know!).

I read today's Curmudgeoning quickly -- it's short -- which is good for internet people, 100% of whom stopped reading this post 8 words into it because it didn't contain a sexy picture of Sarah Hyland

until now


PROBLEM SOLVED!

So out of curiosity and because I still had some lunch left to eat, and therefore was not "done" with lunch yet, I downloaded the first 50 pages of that book-- remember what this post is about? -- for free,  because I'm not about to throw ninety-nine whole cents at something on the off-chance it might be good, right?

That's how people think about my books, apparently, anyway, so anyway, I downloaded the first 50 pages for free and was reduced to laughter and/or tears nearly 8 or 9 times in that first 50 pages, and found the rest to be so enjoyable that it immediately became The Greatest Thing In The World, EVER, and I heartily recommend you just shell out the $0.99 to get the ebook because I did, and I probably now will not get any more work done all day, but that's the breaks, kiddo, as the British like to say.

What makes it so great? Not just the hilariously bad writing, which is handily compiled FOR YOU by the book, but also the comments on each -- a one- or two-liner, usually, that has the effect of "sweeping the leg" when it comes to resisting the humor.

Take, for example, the "Moo Box" entry, which on Wikipedia is this:

The Moo box is a box, when you turn it upside down, creates the mooing of a cow.

And the comment in the book?

How’s this for a bleak realization: It’s extremely unlikely that your life will ever be notable enough to  warrant its own Wikipedia entry. Unlike the Moo box.

But this one was my favorite of first 50 pages, and what convinced me to buy the book:

At Disney Word, the Christmas Special ran until 2005 due to copyrights w/ some songs in the show like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But is rumored to return in the future!
___________________________________________________

You’ve just encountered the most depressing
exclamation point in the history of the English
language.

I'm laughing all over again.

One more:

Wikipedia says:

A cheese sandwich is a basic sandwich made generally with one or more slices of any kind of cheese on any sort of bread.

_____________________________________________

Book says:

From the Food Network’s newest hit series Anthony
Bourdain Phones It In.
It's awesome.  And, in case you were thinking about not reading any further in this post:



But actually you could have quit because it's over.

Want to know if there were ever any other Greatest Thing[s] In The World, EVER? There were but they were located on another blog, one that is sadly devoid of pictures of women in various states of undress but which does have MEN in various states of undress.  Long story.

CLICK HERE TO GO SEE MORE GREATEST THINGS IN THE WORLD EVER.

CLICK HERE FOR THE MEN UNDRESSED THING.

OH YEAH IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE BOOK THERE ARE LINKS TO EACH VERSION AND THE FREE PART HERE.

Monday, June 03, 2013

So Sam Champion picked his nose on national TV.

(And I was there to see it)




(Not there there, but watching-on-TV-there.)


Han broke up first. (Star Wars References)

While the rest of the world goes crazy over that breakup letter where the girl hid the guy's stuff, because love means never having to prove a letter isn't made up by, say, contacting the person who actually wrote the letter, I thought I'd share with you two Star Wars-themed breakup letters, because love also means never having to explain to your teacher that you have broken the cardinal rule, fallen in love, secretly married, and set into motion a chain of events that will eventually bring debris crashing down onto the jungle moons of Endor, spelling fiery doom for a race of innocent teddy-bear like people.

(What: you thought the remains of Death Star, Jr., would vaporize?)

The first is simple, to the point, and crude:

But what if you want to use Star Wars References not as a way to put people down, but to show how devoted you really are, by comparing yourself to evil or perhaps by comparing your beloved, now-ex, to the innards of an animal that smelled better when it was alive? You might write this:


Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a restraining order.

As for whether the more-famous breakup letter is real, or not, I'll let you make up your own mind.  The letter:



was posted by "Nipplesquirrelham" (Really?) on Imgur, but Nipplesquirrelham (seriously?) doesn't claim he/she wrote it; rather, Nipplesquirrelham (doesn't have a job, I'm 100% sure) says it's the best breakup letter he/she has seen.

Nip... ok, I can't... this person also has as a goal to get 100,000 retweets by using that name, and otherwise appears to be in it for the notoriety.  

Not a single news story I read actually found the woman, or the man, or asked Ni... forget it... where he/she got the note.

So I did. I left him (?) a comment on the site, asking him to tell me where he got the letter.  We'll see what happens.

(NOTE: HE WILL NOT CONTACT ME BECAUSE THE LETTER IS A FAKE.)

Friday, May 31, 2013

Entangled in the telephunk (365 Poems, Poem 41)

Hot Actress:
Lena Headey
Eletelephony

  by Laura Elizabeth Richards


Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I've got it right.)
Howe'er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I'd better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

___________________________________________________________________________________

I have been reading poems off and on all day long, or at least all morning long, in between phone calls and emails, taking a little break here and there to read a poem while I tried to find something that I thought merited being in the list of 365 poems that are worth reading and rhyme, etc., and I stumbled across this one.

I liked it because of the wordplay and the fun way it read; even reading it silently to myself I enjoyed the way the words jumped around in my mind.  It immediately made me want to read this poem to kids, to Mr Bunches and Mr F, perhaps, although I'm not sure how much they would appreciate it, but I wanted to read it to them, anyway, right away.

To me, that's one of the hallmarks of a good, or great, poem: you want to read it aloud, again and again, and share it with people, and it rolls around in your mind.  That may be true of anything you read that is good or great, but with poems, the rhythm and the rhymes make them more... sticky.


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

"From the floor of the double-damned." (365 Poems, Poem 40)

I was looking for a summery poem to post today and came across... this.  It's not summery at all, but it is awesome.

  A Tale Of The Thirteenth Floor

by Ogden Nash


The hands of the clock were reaching high
In an old midtown hotel;
I name no name, but its sordid fame
Is table talk in hell.
I name no name, but hell's own flame
Illumes the lobby garish,
A gilded snare just off Times Square
For the maidens of the parish.
Hot actor:
Armie Hammer. No idea who he is.
He just turned up on a google search.

The revolving door swept the grimy floor
Like a crinoline grotesque,
And a lowly bum from an ancient slum
Crept furtively past the desk.
His footsteps sift into the lift
As a knife in the sheath is slipped,
Stealthy and swift into the lift
As a vampire into a crypt.

Old Maxie, the elevator boy,
Was reading an ode by Shelley,
But he dropped the ode as it were a toad
When the gun jammed into his belly.
There came a whisper as soft as mud
In the bed of an old canal:
"Take me up to the suite of Pinball Pete,
The rat who betrayed my gal."

The lift doth rise with groans and sighs
Like a duchess for the waltz,
Then in middle shaft, like a duchess daft,
It changes its mind and halts.
The bum bites lip as the landlocked ship
Doth neither fall nor rise,
But Maxie the elevator boy
Regards him with burning eyes.
"First, to explore the thirteenth floor,"
Says Maxie, "would be wise."

Quoth the bum, "There is moss on your double cross,
I have been this way before,
I have cased the joint at every point,
And there is no thirteenth floor.
The architect he skipped direct
From twelve unto fourteen,
There is twelve below and fourteen above,
And nothing in between,
For the vermin who dwell in this hotel
Could never abide thirteen."

Said Max, "Thirteen, that floor obscene,
Is hidden from human sight;
But once a year it doth appear,
On this Walpurgis Night.
Ere you peril your soul in murderer's role,
Heed those who sinned of yore;
The path they trod led away from God,
And onto the thirteenth floor,
Where those they slew, a grisly crew,
Reproach them forevermore.

"We are higher than twelve and below fourteen,"
Said Maxie to the bum,
"And the sickening draft that taints the shaft
Is a whiff of kingdom come.
The sickening draft that taints the shaft
Blows through the devil's door!"
And he squashed the latch like a fungus patch,
And revealed the thirteenth floor.

It was cheap cigars like lurid scars
That glowed in the rancid gloom,
The murk was a-boil with fusel oil
And the reek of stale perfume.
And round and round there dragged and wound
A loathsome conga chain,
The square and the hep in slow lock step,
The slayer and the slain.
(For the souls of the victims ascend on high,
But their bodies below remain.)

The clean souls fly to their home in the sky,
But their bodies remain below
To pursue the Cain who each has slain
And harry him to and fro.
When life is extinct each corpse is linked
To its gibbering murderer,
As a chicken is bound with wire around
The neck of a killer cur.

Handcuffed to Hate come Doctor Waite
(He tastes the poison now),
And Ruth and Judd and a head of blood
With horns upon its brow.
Up sashays Nan with her feathery fan
From Floradora bright;
She never hung for Caesar Young
But she's dancing with him tonight.

Here's the bulging hip and the foam-flecked lip
Of the mad dog, Vincent Coll,
And over there that ill-met pair,
Becker and Rosenthal,
Here's Legs and Dutch and a dozen such
Of braggart bullies and brutes,
And each one bends 'neath the weight of friends
Who are wearing concrete suits.

Now the damned make way for the double-damned
Who emerge with shuffling pace
From the nightmare zone of persons unknown,
With neither name nor face.
And poor Dot King to one doth cling,
Joined in a ghastly jig,
While Elwell doth jape at a goblin shape
And tickle it with his wig.

See Rothstein pass like breath on a glass,
The original Black Sox kid;
He riffles the pack, riding piggyback
On the killer whose name he hid.
And smeared like brine on a slavering swine,
Starr Faithful, once so fair,
Drawn from the sea to her debauchee,
With the salt sand in her hair.

And still they come, and from the bum
The icy sweat doth spray;
His white lips scream as in a dream,
"For God's sake, let's away!
If ever I meet with Pinball Pete
I will not seek his gore,
Lest a treadmill grim I must trudge with him
On the hideous thirteenth floor."

"For you I rejoice," said Maxie's voice,
"And I bid you go in peace,
But I am late for a dancing date
That nevermore will cease.
So remember, friend, as your way you wend,
That it would have happened to you,
But I turned the heat on Pinball Pete;
You see - I had a daughter, too!"

The bum reached out and he tried to shout,
But the door in his face was slammed,
And silent as stone he rode down alone
From the floor of the double-damned.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Notes on a poem:

First, I had never read this poem before I wrote my own horror poem, Lazy Bones Jones, which you can read here and which is something like this one.

Second, "Walpurgis Night" is a night exactly six months before All Hallows' Eve, and figures into such stories as Bram Stokers' "Dracula's Guest." In Germany, where the tradition is the spookiest, it is the night that witches meet to party with the Gods.  It was mentioned, also, in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Third, "Dr. Waite" was a doctor who poisoned his victims, first with diptheria and other germs, then arsenic when that didn't work.

Fourth, "Ruth and Judd" may refer to "Winnie Ruth Judd," who shot her two roommates, hacked up their bodies and hid them in trunks.

"Nan... from Floradora bright" is Nan Patterson, a "Floradora girl," or Broadway show girl, who was having an affair with a man she shot (?)-- while riding in a coach with him the morning after a breakup fight.  Patterson claimed that her victim shot himself in the chest. A mistrial and two hung juries later, all charges against her were dropped.

There's probably many more fascinating stories in this poem, but I'm out of time and have to do some legitimate work now.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

What would I have made a mistake about? 5 Things Arrested Development got wrong. (WRONG!)


WRONG! is a new feature here where I take something from pop culture and debunk it.  And since today is Arrested Development Day! I'm taking a cold hard look at the facts...?... of that series.


1.  The Securities Exchange Commission does not have boats.

In the pilot, the Bluth family boat is chased down by SEC boats, kicking off the premise of the entire series.  But nothing could be further from the truth!  The SEC does not have boats, as explained by this actual quote from the actual head of the actual SEC in the actual 2006 Vanderbilt  address about what the SEC is like:

 I became convinced that the SEC had gone mainstream when it was featured on the Simpsons a couple years ago.1 Homer unwittingly gets caught up in a company gone bad. The SEC swoops in and arrests him, and he gets sent to prison. But, unlike the depictions on this and other shows, we do not carry M-16s, chase down yachts of inside traders in SEC police boats, or parachute James Bond style into illicit corporate board meetings. It is much tamer than that. We don’t carry guns; we have no boats; we have no planes. We do not even have authority to arrest people.


If you are disillusioned by the fact that your favorite TV series began with a lie, take heart by remembering that you can still get a job at the SEC, where your complete lack of power is offset by having a job in which you apparently spend all day watching The Simpsons.



2. They DO have bars in hospitals.

"This is why people hate hospitals," Lucille tells Michael when Michael breaks it to her that she can't wait in the hospital bar.  ("Key Decisions, Season 1, ep. 4).

Michael is wrong, at least according to this 2011 article about a proposal to put a bar in the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne, and why not put a bar in a children's hospital? Do parents have to be dedicated and responsible and loving and not drunk ALL THE TIME? COME ON!



Looking over the site for the actual hospital, it appears that the bar is not in the hospital.


 But they do have a 2-story aquarium and a collection of 9 meerkats.

All jokes aside, that is pretty awesome.


3.  The first frozen banana stand in California was NOT built in 1953 on Balboa Pier.  


It was built in 1940, on Balboa Pier.

Most sources you read say that the idea of a frozen banana on a stick began with the 1933 World's Fair.  That was the fair that followed up on 1893's "White City" World Exposition -- that 1893 one being the one with all the murders.

Not so in 1933, which was filled with fan dances by Sally Rand, Judy Garland and the Andrews Sisters performing at a mock Moroccan nightclub,  and a "midget city" which had sixty live babies in incubators.

No, really.

They really did that.  There was even a helpful booklet, "Your Questions About Midgets, Answered."  Which is ridiculous because nowadays we would never put up with the commercial exploitation of babies.

or women.

Why everyone says the frozen banana idea came from the 1933 thing, I don't know.  There were lots of other cool things at that fair -- which, coincidentally (?) began on May 27, 1933, almost exactly 80 years ago -- such as the fact that they used the light from the star Arcturus, shone on a photoelectric cell, to flip the switches, turn on the lights, and officially kick off the Fair.  

As for the banana thing? The Smithsonian a few days ago did a whole blog about the story, detailing how the first guy opened his stand on Balboa Pier in 1940, and then had another stand open directly across from him in 1963, and especially how Mitchell Hurwitz actually worked at one of the stands. (The second stand may not have opened until the first was closed by the health department.)



4.  Lawyer is NOT "Latin for liar,"

as GOB tells Michael in Season 1, episode 17, while he's trying to convince Michael to have a one night stand with someone.  But lawyer doesn't mean liar, except in real life whenever the word is used.  It means "person who laws," according to the Online Etymology Dictionary:

late 14c. (mid-14c. as a surname), from Middle English lawe "law" (see law) + -iere. Spelling with -y- first attested 1610s (see -yer).

So from the 14th through 17th centuries, there were laweiers.  There were also attorneys, who were too dumb to know how to spell the word that described what they did.  The word "attorney" comes from French, atorne, which means "to appoint," so an "atorne" is someone you appoint to do stuff for you.  As that same online dictionary points out:

The double -t- is a mistaken 15c. attempt to restore a non-existent Latin original. 
"Mistaken" being a polite way to say "you were trying to be all fancy, and you failed."



5. Someone is already planning to build a city on the water.

Part of the third season revolves around Michael's relationship with Charlize Theron


who wasn't mentioned here just to show that picture of Charlize Theron.  She was mentioned here to show this picture of Charlize Theron:


but also was mentioned because she had the idea to build a city on the water, which sounds so crazy it just might work, if you are a Japanese corporation thinking of growing a city on the water.

The Green Float Concept is an idea being developed by the Shimuzu Corporation.  It is a city built on lily-pad like "cells" that would house a central tower and outlying lower townhouses, and would float around and/or join up with other floating cities to form countries, countries which could simply drift to whatever shoreline they want and hang out there for a while, not unlike Cousin Eddie.


Since most of the technology needed to make a Green Float city doesn't exist,  yet, the company's got a way to go, but they're shooting for a 2025 opening day.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

It's a TWOFER! (Or should that be "Two-Fer"? I'm never sure when to hyphenate my -fers)(365 Poems)(Your Saturday Morning Feel-Good Song)

First the poem:



What a queer bird, the frog are
When he sit he stand (almost)
When he walk he fly (almost)
When he talk he cry (almost)
He ain't got no sense, hardly
He ain't got no tail, neither, hardly
He sit on what he ain't got hardly

Then the song:


That's suitable for:

-- writing stories about little boys pretending to be frogs.
-- thinking the poem comes from Ogden Nash
-- learning it does not.

Instead, according to Wikipedia, the poem is an anonymous 19th century poem, and says not much more about the poem.

Musanim, which did that video, says the poem appeared in 1920s publications.  This guy, who was born in 1924, says his grandpa used to recite the poem to him, so it must have been around in 1924 or earlier.

That is where the story ends.  Other sites say it has appeared in other countries, Canada, New Zealand, and the like, but nobody knows where it started or who wrote it or what the story behind it, if there is one, might be.

It just exists.

And, finally, the Hot Actress, who I asked Sweetie to name but she didn't so we'll go with...


Elsa Pataky, who is in Fast and Furious 6 and plays



... I forgot what I was saying.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Today, I am off of work to go on a field trip to a farm with my kids. To celebrate, it's a poem about farm-ish stuff. (365 Poems, Poem 38)


Tender Buttons [Chicken]

  by Gertrude Stein



Hot Actor:
Chris Pine.
(Gotta get Michael Offutt to read
these poems SOMEHOW)
CHICKEN.

Pheasant and chicken, chicken is a peculiar third.

CHICKEN.

Alas a dirty word, alas a dirty third alas a dirty third, alas a dirty bird.

CHICKEN.

Alas a doubt in case of more go to say what it is cress. What is it. Mean. Why. Potato. Loaves.

CHICKEN.

Stick stick call then, stick stick sticking, sticking with a chicken. Sticking in a extra succession, sticking in.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

When you have no new messages, perhaps the medium is all you can use to sell your books: On Stephen King's Fake Anti Ebook stance.

"I'm out of ideas."

Hey, remember this post? I do, but maybe you don't.  Just about a year ago I got word that Stephen King was going to only publish his new book in hard copy, not as an ebook. Today -- May 21, 2013 -- Stephen King got yet another bump of publicity out of that stunt, which surely cannot be his plan, right? I mean, why would an author want places like NPR, Huffpo, and the Daily News Books Blog to write about him and his book just before it comes out?

Or, to ask it another way: is it possible that Stephen King's now-much-more-publicized "stance" against ebooks is simply more hype?

SURE, it is possible.  Consider this new quote from Stephen King:

King told the Wall Street Journal that he hopes to inspire fans to buy the print edition in bookstores and said he does not know when he will make the book available digitally. “I have no plans for a digital version,” King said. “Maybe at some point, but in the meantime, let people stir their sticks and go to an actual bookstore rather than a digital one.”

Source.  Hero of print? Hero of talking out of his butt, I think.  Let's focus on that:

I have no  plans for a digital version... maybe at some point.

HERO OF HAVING IT BOTH WAYS AND GETTING FREE PUBLICITY.


What King really wants, as I pointed out in the essay a year ago, and below, is to control your experience of his book, something no author can do.  What he wants, as a corollary, I suspect, is to crack down on e-publishing, which authors think costs them money by keeping book prices down and by letting indie authors in.  They are barring the gate, these legacy authors, and using their market power to try to keep any new writers from getting in, because they like sucking up 90% of the book-buying public's money.  Garrison Keillor once lamented that once everyone can publish a book, all authors will make a couple of bucks.  What he meant was what King means now: once everyone can publish a book, legacy authors will make less money, and they are doing what they can to stop that.

Here is what I wrote about King a year ago:





Today, I sat in my air-conditioned house, with a half-full pint of Ben & Jerry's Red Velvet Cake ice cream and a Diet Coke, reading Great Expectations.

Not the book; I was reading a screen, on my phone, propped up on the table on a molded plastic stand.  I'd eat some ice cream, read a page, swipe a finger and move on.  Ice cream, sip of soda, swipe the finger, move on.

Would Charles Dickens approve of that?

Stephen King would not, I know.  Stephen King thinks I should sit in a sod-roofed hut reading books on paper and if I eat ice cream at all, it should be ice cream I made myself in a still or churn or whatever it was they made ice cream in when ice cream was first invented, and then stored in an ice house under blocks of ice carved out of lakes in the winter and kept under wraps until the summer when the iceman bringeth me some cold.

Stephen King thinks that humanity should never progress and that only certain experiences are authentic enough, is what Stephen King would have you think.

Picking on Stephen King, which will not matter at all to him but matters to me and to people who like to read, expecially people who like to read what they want to read, as opposed to what Stephen King and his publishers want us to read, is difficult for me, as I am a fan of his writing and am in the process of writing an essay lauding one of his works.  But I have to do it, because Stephen King is a big phony who is posturing about how great only his experiences are, and/or Stephen King is also choosing sides in the burgeoning battle between indie authors and Amazon, on this side (a/ka/ people who want to let you read whatever you want to read) and King and Garrison Keillor and old-line publishers on that side -- a/k/a People who cannot figure out how else to save their jobs other than to keep books rare and expensive.

Recently, Stephen King announced that his next book, whatever it will be, is only going to be available in paperback, at least at first.  King announced this and said that he is doing that because he liked reading pulpy thrillers in paperback and wanted his readers to have that authentic experience.

This came as a surprise, kind of, in that King has in the past been at least interested in trying to e-publish his books.  He tried taking one old book he'd never gotten around to finishing and serializing it, charging people about $1.00 per 5,000 words.  The experience, from what I read of it, was less than satisfying, with King being upset that people were illegally downloading his work and limiting the production of new installments, which then caused fewer and fewer people to buy the new installments because they worried that it wouldn't get finished, that he'd quit.

Imagine, a writer quitting writing because not enough people pay him to write!

Perhaps it's that Stephen King isn't really a writer so much as he is a salesman, which is fine -- he sells people a service (storytelling) and I'm okay with that; I sell people a service (suing other people) and make no bones about how expensive that can be.  But I don't pretend I'm doing a public good, or that suing other people is an art that is a higher calling for me*...

*... I don't, also, insist that all lawsuits be carried out with a powdered wig in courtrooms where stenographers take notes with a charcoal pencil, because I'm not as interested in the authenticity of the experience; I just want people not to be harassed by big banks...

...and so when I say something like "If you won't pay me, I won't write that brief," which I don't actually say that much (I'm softhearted) it's at least honest.  When King says If you won't pay me I won't finish this story he's pretending that he's something other than a merchant and that what he's doing is art, and it's too bad he's gotta make a buck at it, but etc. etc. and in the end, he's still a salesman wrapped in wolf's clothing.

Or something; my indexterity with a metaphor is possibly one of the reasons my sales lag behind others.*

*(Another reason? Nobody ever gets my symbolism.  Dear Elizabeth Tecca: I rarely comment on my own writing because it should stand on its own, but I will go so far as to say (a) thank you for the 4-star review of Eclipse and (b) the reason all the nouns are capitalized in those parts has a lot to do with how Claudius thinks.)

King later on tried to e-publish another book, with only about 40,000 copies being sold, a disappointing number for him and his publisher, although only his publisher admitted it.  He's also expressed interest in multimedia-type presentations of writing.

So why the sudden switch away from higher-tech and innovative presentations?  Is it really because King thinks the act of reading a paperback book makes the appreciation of the book so much the better?

And who is he to decide?

Let's assume that King is being honest (he's not, I think, and I'll explain why) and that he honestly believes that his book will be better if you can hold it in your hand, turn a real page with a real finger and smell the ink or the pulp or something, that it will enhance the experience.

In the first place, it is highly unlikely anyone will be reading that book in the same world King read it in, a world where there were only three television channels that didn't even broadcast around the clock, a world without laptops and the Internet and before flying became easy and common, a world that exists now only in reruns of Stand By Me on cable TV.  So King is setting himself -- yourselves -- up for failure:  you cannot be a young Stephen King reading in a hot house at night under the covers while the transistor radio beams staticky news of Tom Gordon into your ears.

In the second place, can the artist dictate to the viewer how his work must be appreciated?  Only, and at best, to a limited extent, and often I find that to be a pretext.  The Beatles, for example, held out and held out making their work available on iTunes, agreeing to do so only at the 11th hour.

Literally: they agreed to license their work exclusively to Apple just before the copyrights were set to expire on their earliest songs.  So was it artistic integrity that caused The Beatles to hold out against digital reproductions of their work?  And if so, why did they change their mind... just before they would be unable to stop anyone from putting Love Me Do online?

One reason I almost never comment on my stories, period -- this post excepted -- is that I think that a work of art must stand on its own.  A painting, a poem, a book, a t-shirt... all of them must be appreciated for what they are, and, as I've posited many times before, the My Aunt's Dog Theorem means that an artist ultimately cannot control what the viewer brings to the work.*

*The My Aunt's Dog Theorem posits that no matter how much time and effort and energy you put into a work, the viewer's own interpretation, based on that viewer's own experiences and mood at the time of consumption, ultimately warps your work into something you may not have intended.  It gets its name from the idea that if you spent a dozen years crafting an abstract painting that attempted to, through the use of pointilism and dadaesque found art make a wry comment on man's inhumanity to man, and finally had it ready to go and unveiled it at the Louvre in front of the entire world, someone would look at your masterpiece and say "Kind of looks like my aunt's dog."

Trying to control the way a viewer sees your art is not only futile but demonstrates a lack of faith in one's ability to actually convey the message through the medium.  One time, when I wanted Oldest Daughter to watch The Amityville Horror, a movie I've always found frightening, I made sure she would have the best chance of being scared, too: we watched it in the dark, with no commercials and no cell phones and no interruptions, my attempt to control all those elements betraying my fears that a 1970s movie might not prove frightening to her when it terrified younger me.

If King was truly comfortable with his writing, he'd trust the reader to get the sense he wants to convey, without having to fret about whether I'm reading it on paper or my phone.  Great Expectations remains thrilling and amusing and interesting even though I read it in spurts between going outside to play water balloons with Mr F.

And trying to control the medium, the message, is bullying -- when Jack White insists you listen to an album on vinyl, he's not just admitting he can't give you gravelly,  bluesy authentic rock and roll any other way, he's insisting that you enjoy things the way he enjoys things, or get the heck out of here and leave him alone.

As I asked on Twitter the other day: Do people who insist books be paper insist also that music be played only on wax cylinders and view only magic lantern shows?

Or does Stephen King go see The Avengers in 3D in an air-conditioned theater even though movies, when he was a kid, had none of those special effects and were shown on small screens in black-and-white?

There's an intellectual dishonesty to the paper-only people; they don't churn their own butter or weave their own clothes but they would deny technological advances to the rest of us, making me read on paper when I'd rather not, because they deem it better.  Paul McCartney wants me to still have a record player.  Stephen King won't let me use my laptop to read his book, and they want me to believe that's because they think it's better that way, but I don't think they believe it, really.

 As I said, if The Beatles really felt making their songs available on iTunes cheapened them, why'd they cave?

I have a trick I use on clients who come see me for foreclosure advice.  I ask them if they want to save their house and they say yes.*

*there is a reason I ask that, but it's lengthy to get into.  Suffice to say it has to do with strategy.

 When I ask why, they say sentimental reasons, often, and I say "What if I were to give you $5,000,000 for it right now. Would you sell?" and they always say yes, which means that it's sentimental value up to a point.  Sentiment's great and all but five million bucks is five million bucks and the kids'll understand if you have to move.

Stephen King thinks his book can only be appreciated in paperback... at first: he's saying later on you might be able to buy it digitally, so apparently after a couple of months pulpy fiction ages just fine onto a Kindle Fire.  How's that for an artistic statement?  Is that one silent movie that won all the Academy Awards now having words and color added?

What's really going on is some combination of contrived scarcity, added value, and a fight against Amazon and other indie booksellers like Smashwords.

Contrived scarcity is what Disney and the makers of Westvleteren 12 beer do (although the latter, being monks, deny that's what they're doing.)  Disney won't let you buy The Lion King whenever you want; you have to wait until it comes out of the vault.  The monks who make "the best beer in the world" carefully limit access to it, although when push comes to shove both open up their doors -- the monks started shipping their beer because they needed money to fix their abbey, which is understandable and they're still doing God's work but they're doing it for a profit.

Making your book available only through a small publisher and only in paperbacks guarantees scarcity, which can drive up demand.  (Westlveteren sells for over $500 a case on eBay).  It guarantees people pre-ordering the book and lines when King goes to the bookstores for signing -- and it guarantees stories about the book for months in advance, free publicity being the best kind, especially if it's authentic free publicity (which is why I'm not naming the book.)

The added value comes from the scarcity of the experience:  when you get that The Lion King DVD, or King's book, or a plain brown bottle of beer, you had to work for it and it's something not everyone has and that makes it more valuable to you.*

*I had an idea for a line of t-shirts once: each one would be simply a plain t-shirt, colored some color, but each would have, up near the collar, a small symbol, say a rocket ship or perhaps a tree or maybe, in some cases, a car.  The symbol didn't matter; what mattered is that there would be a wide array of symbols but only an arbitrary number of them made. I might make, say, 100 rocket-ship-t-shirts, so that if you had one, you were special and people would really want the rocket ships.  I still might do it, once I finish all the other things I'm doing.

The added value also, these days, comes from the feeling that something is authentic: Slow-churned ice cream, organic foods, restaurants that aren't chains, all these things that seem a throwback to something simpler and nostalgic.  There's a diner near us, where Middle Daughter works. It's a mock-1950s diner that people think is a small business and it does a bang-up job of selling that.  It's part of a chain of restaurants in our city owned by a corporation, but very few people know that part or that the owner likely is a Mitt Romney backer.  It feels authentic and that's enough for most people, who never experienced a 1950s diner in the first place.

King's book is supposed to be like 1950s pulpy books and so it'll be more valuable if it feels authentic.  No matter if it is or not, but it can't be, because it was written and produced with modern (i.e., non1950s) processes.

The value is important, as is locking the door to that world of value.  Publishers are running threatened and, don't kid yourself, so are the writers.  One of the people on Twitter who saw my comments said Stephen King has very little to fear from indie authors, and he doesn't but not for the reasons he thinks, and that's why Stephen King and publishers fear indie authors.

King doesn't have to fear indie authors because reading begets more reading.  People who buy books buy lots of books.  Read a good book and you're likely to buy  more books.  E-readers aren't slowing this down: they're increasing the consumption of books -- of all kinds of books. But ebook readers read more: Ebook readers read 24 books on average last year, as opposed to 15 for hard-copy readers.

So if indie writers make more use of electronic formats and people like them, that means that people will buy more books.  What's not to like about that for King, and his publishers?

Aside from the fact that the people on top always fear competition.  King, who likely has enough money to never need to sell another book, still also likely fears someone else outselling him -- whether for monetary or pride reasons.  It can't be fun to be a best-selling author and get beat by Amanda Hocking or that girl who wrote Fifty Shades Of Gray, just as it can't be easy to watch Wool get indie published and then optioned for a movie when nobody's making Stephen King books into movies anymore.

So Stephen King has little to fear from indie writers fiscally,  but much to fear from pride and relevance: Stephen King isn't ready to stop being Stephen King, and rather than take indie writers as a challenge, King has decided it's Katie Bar The Door*

*not sure I'm using that right

time and decided to close the door behind him:  King's publishing method for his next book can be seen not as a way of sharing what it was like to be lil' Stephen reading the pulps but instead a way of proclaiming this to be a "real book" and Kindle Indie Authors to be nothing of the sort.

The real music movement with vinyl adherents has a long tradition*

*long and stupid

And I suspect that King's move is traditional publishing co-opting that to help promote itself and keep writing, and the profits, to themselves.  Real Books By Real Writers is a slogan that has to have been kicked around publishing houses in Manhattan (go ahead and use it, Random House) -- because real books by real writers means the traditional publishing structure with all its inefficiencies and stupidities continues: they get to select who will be published and what, and the rest of us are reduced to bloggers and fanfic writers, assuming the public can be convinced that it makes sense to give up the ease, speed, and inexpensivity*

*probably not a word

of e-readers.  Publishers already hated that Amazon was selling books for $9.99, and that's why Apple and other companies are being sued by the feds, but that's also why you have to pay $15.99 or more for a book that has zero production costs, really.  You know how long it takes to convert a file to a Kindle reader? Five minutes.  Cost of delivery, production, etc.? Whatever five minutes of electricity is plus the cost of storage on Amazon's servers, which is getting cheaper all the time.

So why are we paying $15.99 or more for ebooks?  Because we're paying publishers to produce them in the traditional sense even though no traditional publishing is needed anymore.  Louis CK made a million bucks producing his special himself and Jonathan Coulton doesn't have a record label, and I'm publishing writing every day, on my blogs and in ebooks.*

*Full disclosure: I like to get a hard copy of my books and hold them in my hands, but only because I fear the Internet is just a passing fad.

If King sold his books as ebooks for $9.99, he'd make, under Amazon's pricing model, about $3.50 per book.  If he sold just 40,000 copies, that's $140,000, decent money but not enough to make him a millionaire.  After taxes, that's less than $70,000 take-home (an amount of money that puts him in the upper half of all income earners in the US' most expensive place to live, New York City)

But the publisher wouldn't make hardly anything -- not off Amazon's model, because Amazon takes the rest.  So either King splits with the publisher (in one sense or another) or someone's losing money.

Does King need the publisher? Probably not.  But he wants them -- because, remember, he still wants to be Stephen King and it's harder to be a big name when your name isn't in big letters in all the Barnes & Nobles in America.  Stephen King probably has the muscle to do that on his own -- he could self-publish a book and do a tour and get the posters and the displays and the interviews, but he'd have to arrange it all himself, which means he'd have to spend all that time doing that, or hire someone to do that, and then he'd have to pay that person, which means he's essentially just becoming his own publishing house and why do that when his publishers already have all that stuff just waiting around for him?

So to keep on being Stephen King, King needs publishers -- and publishers desperately need Stephen King to need them because otherwise they don't exist.  If all the authors in all the Starbucks around the world decided that by gum they will go it alone and hire their own publicists and arrange their own tours and design their own covers and etc., Random House goes the way of Lehman Brothers but much more quietly, and all those underpaid editors with BAs in English and hipster glasses grousing about the slush pile suddenly have to be independent contractors hustling for another author and who wants that?

So Stephen King will work to convince people that real means tangible and a whole lot more because Stephen King doesn't want to stop having lines at book signings and because his publisher wants there to be a slush pile, and the alternative is that both me and Stephen King have an equal chance at being the top seller on Amazon come July 1, with the results being dictated by not just writerly skill with a metaphor, but by how hard we work to sell the book and by the fickle demands of the public that right now wants housewife-y BDSM but a year ago wanted dragon tattoos and in July, God only knows.

Stephen King's got an edge in that battle -- neither he nor I nor you know what we'll be reading in July, and our talent is for you to judge, but he's got a whole war machine that's gearing up to puff smoke and steam and charge and make sure you know about his book and see it and hear about it everywhere, real paper and all.  He's inside that machine, and he'll be damned if he's going to let you join him.

Or come outside.

Would King, I wonder, approve of me typing this post on my laptop?  JK Rowling, remember, wrote her books on a legal pad sitting at a coffee shop.  Is writing more authentic when done by hand?  Should I have scratched this on the back of a shovel with charcoal, the way Lincoln wrote his homework, so that you'd know how heartfelt the plea is?

And back to the original question: would Dickens approve of my reading Great Expectations on a telephone, while I ate prepackaged ice cream in a house where the air was being cooled for me?  That's a far cry from the pamphlet-style books Dickens shipped out as serials for people to crowd onto the docks to get.

Dickens serialized his books in part to make more money writing them.  He understood that by selling them as serials he could reach people who might not buy the whole book at once, and that he could thereby broaden his audience and make more money.  Dickens did readings, for profit, too -- charging people a second time to hear his work.

I take that to mean that Dickens was both honest -- he was a salesman, selling stories -- and understood something that King, who apparently fashions himself more a literary artiste than the great Charles Dickens, does not: that the medium is not the message.

Then again, if you've got no messages left in you, then maybe the medium is all you can rely on to keep making a buck.

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I've always been big on Indie books and publishing, and down on authors who try to crack down on newcomers.  Read here my 2011 best of indie books and predictions for 2012, as well as a discussion of publishing.