Things THEY Don't Want You To Know

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The 12 Worst Things About Xmas, and the 12 Best Ways To Fix Them. (The Best Of Things That Don't Really Fit...)

This is part of Grumpy Bulldog's Bah, Humbug Blahgfest.

For over two weeks now, I have been making a SUPERbig deal over Xmas! And I've done that for years now -- at the end of this post is a collection of all the "Best" things I've ever posted about Christmas here on this blog; looking it over, you can tell I've got a problem.

I make such a big deal about Xmas because I love Christmas. I love the food and the songs and the decorations and the movies and I'm even so nuts that I like Christmas shopping.

On Black Friday.

At the malls.

I make a special trip out of going Black Friday shopping. I've referred to that day as my second-favorite holiday. (The first being National Peanut Butter & Jelly Day, which is always on April 2 and which by God ought to be a day off.)

I am Crazy for Christmas. Xrazy for Xmas, you might say, if you were lame like I am.

So when challenged by Grumpy Bulldog's Bah, Humbug Blahgfest to come up with not one, not two, not i number of things, but twelve whole things that I hate about Christmas -- or, as I've been calling it this year, Xmas-- you'd think that'd be hard for me, since I'm practically a Xmas Superhero by now.*

*(Xmasman! With the powers of... tinsel?)

**(Well, that was a letdown. When I started typing that sentence I had high hopes my brain would finish strong. But tinsel? Really, brain? That's all you've got? Thanks for nothing.)

But it's not hard at all, because for all its good points... Xmas has lots of good points, remember, including but not limited to:

1. Egg nog.

2. Presents

3. More and more Xmas-shaped Snickers' bars.

And probably other good things, too, but those will have to suffice, since my brain has not yet punched in for work today.

For all its good points, Xmas has lots of bad points, too. Bad points which I will in this post list for you, in handy list form, which I've found to be the best form for listing things. (I used to use more exotic forms for listing things, like this form:

That's the ryu zin origami, and it's said to be the hardest form of origami, a form so hard that it posed a challenge when I just wanted to make, say, a grocery list, so I eventually stopped using origami forms to list things and started just using list forms, which is actually kind of unlucky for you because imagine if I had done this post in brilliant origami shapes and mailed them out to people who would then get a little Christmas-y themed essay shaped in some fancy origami-esque way. That would be phenomenal! What a great heartwarming story! In fact, it could be a Xmas story: something about people getting origami shapes, throw in a subplot where the guy has a troubled marriage and the woman's dad's business is failing, and then the shape they get is made of hundred dollar bills so they have a kid and save the business and fall in love and decorate a tree.

A Folding Paper Xmas, next year on Hallmark. It'll write itself.*3

*3 It better, because again, brain, What the H? "Something about people getting origami shapes?" Really? Are you even awake in there?

On with the list! Which you'll note, from the title, is not just complaining about stuff, but is also presenting fixes for that stuff. There's a reason for that, and the reason is:

I think I'm better than everyone else and know how to fix things way better than you, plus I make fun of you behind your back.

No, wait, I wasn't supposed to admit that. Lemme try again. There's a reason for that, and the reason is:

Why don't you just be honest with them?

I am going to have to take a lot less Nyquil before writing stuff like this. Or a lot more.

One more time: There's a reason for that, and the reason is:

I'm not a complainer?

Sure, let's go with that, my own personal Jiminy $#(#%&$ Cricket. I'll pretend I'm not a complainer, and will then complain about stuff while suggesting ways to fix it, because as everyone knows, the best way complain about things is to pretend you're not complaining about something but that you're actually okay with it but, you know, it could be better, so, just saying.... Try that on your own, with your boss' ideas, or your friend's apartment decorating, or your wife's personal grooming habits.*4

*4 It's okay, I've checked: That latter one is not actually grounds for divorce, so flame on!

So in the spirit of the season, I'm not going to just complain, I'm going to also propose a fix, or "solution", in science-y talk, for each of the Twelve Worst Things About Xmas!

Hey, how about that list, finally?

I'll get you later, brain.

The List!

1. The spirit of the season and other crap like that.

Problem Number One, or numero uno, in science-y talk, with Christmas is just what I started with here (that's why lists are so great!): The spirit of the season, which is a fancy way of saying "I'm just going to justify this by saying "It's Xmas, so here goes with whatever I want to do."

This has been an growing problem for a long time -- part of the reason for it being that Christmas, as a holiday, tends to swell larger each year like a hideous boil that's just waiting to be lanced but nobody has the guts.*5

*5 We'll see who gets who. Enjoy your imagery. Signed, your brain (a/k/a "Jiminy $#(#%&$ Cricket")

That constant growth of Xmas allows people to just cram any old thing they want into the season, as I pointed out the other day when I mentioned that Love, Actually announced that "Christmas is when you tell the truth."

"Love, Actually" seemed to actually (ha!) be making fun of that trend with the story line about the singer and his song "Christmas Is All Around Us" but the joke was on them, because that song actually (ha!) became a Christmas staple; it got played, apparently unironically, on my Pandora station the other day, just sitting there amongst all the Run Run Rudolphs I have to keep thumbsdowning (which is a verb now, because everything is a verb now.)

(Verbs are the Xmas of words.)

(Adverbs are the Arbor Day of words, which is weird because Arbor Day is actually the gerund of holidays.)

(There's no justice in the world.)

Christmas has become the ultimate enabler. Want another snack? It's Xmas, I might as well have a cookie. Need to spend more than you make? I have to buy Xmas gifts! Thinking it might not be a bad idea to do that fifth shot in front of your boss? It is. It's a terrible idea. But it's the Xmas party! Wearing a Santa hat while you drive to work? It's Xmas! Have a sense of humor!

Whatever it is, we can justify it with Xmas! Heck, Christine O'Donnell just endorsed Mitt Romney -- and that, I'm almost certain, was brought on by Christmas. Or a need to stay in the public eye. Which is pretty much the same thing.

Who should we blame for this? No good fix-it-up plan would be a good fix-it-up plan without first doing the most important part of fixing something: blaming someone else. That's our God-given right as Americans. USA! USA! USA!

This exists.

And nothing is more American, and nothing is more in the keeping of the Xmas spirit, than blaming Hollywood, which has repeatedly, over the years, shown us that Xmas is about everything in the entire world. Xmas is about not just such traditional stuff as family or God or peace, which things, let's face it, are a little outdated. (Have you noticed how old-fashioned God is? I mean, the guy's been around for longer than time has been around.)

Hollywood, not content to let the world live in peace with its families and make fun of God, Hollywood has crammed everything possible into Christmas, which by now includes, as its meaning, not just telling Keira Knightley the truth about your inexplicable crush on her since she's not that hot, but also includes curing alcoholism and chronic criminality with the help of a practically-orphaned kid, making sure your kids' adventures in New York City don't result in their deaths, keeping Santa from taking the year off because he's got a cold, and even just plain cash, as shown by the beloved holiday special "A Charlie Brown Christmas With An Overtly Religious Theme That Would Never, Ever, Be Able To Be Broadcast These Days Because We've All Completely Lost Our Ability To Place Things In Perspective":

Sally: [dictating her letter to Santa Claus as Charlie Brown writes it for her] Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer?

[Charlie Brown looks at her]

Sally: How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want.

Charlie Brown: Oh brother.

Sally: Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties?

Charlie Brown: TENS AND TWENTIES? Oh, even my baby sister!

Sally: All I want is what I... I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

The Fix: You know how people who want to lose weight trick themselves into thinking that they can lose weight by doing something really easy and fun, like eating lots of bacon and calling that a diet, or ordering the Abdomenizer and swearing they'll use it because you can look like a Navy Seal in just three minutes per week? Aren't those people funny?

NO! Because they're you! In the immortal words of Pogo, we have seen the enemy and he is us! (I think Pogo said that. But it should be the Republican Party motto.)

There's no easy cure for this one; it is the top thing on the list, after all. So I'm afraid the cure is going to be drastic -- more drastic, even, than admitting that a diet that is premised primarily on "shakes" is not actually a diet.

(I see what you're doing here, brain. I'm on to you.)

The cure is to take Modern Xmas back to its roots and start all over again. We've got to cut off all the dreck and re-grow Modern Xmas from scratch, or something science-y like that. Which means getting back to basics, basics being What Xmas was before we got all manic about it.

As every good scientist knows, our Modern Xmas is based completely on "A Christmas Carol," which, just as Star Wars does for Western Culture, serves as the foundation for every single thing we think, do, say, feel, or wear. From A Christmas Carol, we get our "traditions" of "loving people" and "shopping" (Scrooge literally threw money out the window!) and "not letting children die," which, as I think of it, is a tradition we probably want to keep. But the rest? Begone! Out with ye! Avast!

Why am I talking like a pirate? I don't know. Here is how Charles Dickens described the pre-Scroogeified Xmas spirit:

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!" -- Ebeneezer Scrooge

So it's time you were part of the solution, rather than the problem. This year, make sure that on Christmas Eve, you pay some bills and reflect that you are a year older, but not an hour richer. Do not, though, attempt to stake someone through the heart with holly, because that's murder. Unless the person is a Christmas Vampire, which, don't laugh, because that already exists.

Next year: Patriotic Christmas Vampires In Love
With Keira Knightley.

2. Candy canes. Every holiday's got to have it's own candy, right? Halloween has candy corns, Easter has chocolate rabbits (which, okay, just chocolate in a different shape, but bear with me here) Arbor Day has bark, which is what the pilgrims ate instead of candy because back then people figured the quickest route to Heaven was never having fun ever, which makes you wonder how religion stuck around as long as it did.

And Christmas has "candy canes."

We use mint primarily as a flavor in two things: 1. Toothpaste, and 2. Foods that are 'mint-flavored' and therefore inedible because they taste like toothpaste. Candy canes are the latter category with the added bonus of sticking to your teeth like Jolly Ranchers used to.

Why do we eat candy canes at Christmas? Sounds like a google question! To the internets!

Legend -- okay, Yahoo! Answers-- has it that in 1670 a choirmaster bent the "sugar sticks" into a cane shape to represent the shepherd's staff. But before you go off filling the kids' heads full of nonsense about "sugar sticks," consider that Yahoo! answers also picked as a potential answer to this question:

cause they are yummy and good for your tummy, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Which is, I think, a direct quote of what the Angel said to those shepherds watching their flocks at night.

This site, on the other hand, says that the red in the candy cane represents the blood of Jesus, which is improbable given that Xmas Inc.'s religious subsidiary ("A Verrye Merrye Christmase, LLC") celebrates the birth of Jesus (four to six months too late, but still). Still, if there is a way to make a candy cane less appetizing, it's to make it into a fishookesque crucifix reminder, so let's go with that.

(The white in the candy cane, that site says, represents your purity after Jesus died on the cross for you, so eating the candy cane is, I suppose, a form of penance.) (And with that explanation, we're back to how did religion ever catch on? If I were going to start a religion, it wouldn't begin with "Everything you like to do is evil," it would begin with "Joining this religion will help you lose weight without exercising" and end on "Plus, we'll never raise your prices on your DVD by mail rental.")(I would still have a Pope, but he'd be a cool Pope, and he'd have a Segway, and he would fight crime, primarily focusing on Nigerian mail order scams, because no superheroes are taking those on.)

Who should we blame for this? The natural target would be Jesus, but He's got a lot of people after Him already, and while Jesus can probably handle his enemies just fine, I'd rather not add to His troubles, especially when we all need Him to make sure Tebow makes the Super Bowl, because that would be awesome.

So let's blame, instead, that person who said they were good for your tummy and claim without any basis whatsoever that candy canes never get digested and instead line the walls of your liver until you die. We could start an Internet rumor that one kid who ate too many candy canes was found dead by New Year's and when they autopsied him his liver was red-and-white striped.

Whoa. I went to kind of a dark place there. Looks like things just got real, brain.

The fix: I probably need antidepressants. Also: why not steal a candy from Halloween? They've got lots. Plus, Peeps! I just remembered that! Easter has Peeps! So all holidays do have their own candy and I'm not crazy.

Me and you, brain, we're gonna make it.

3. Decorating the Xmas Tree:

God, how I hate this. Oh, man, do I hate decorating the Xmas tree.

When we were kids, decorating the tree was possibly the least fun aspect of Christmas -- or, if anything was worse than that, it was having to play piano for my relatives on Christmas Eve, but that's something I only share with the team of specialists who are helping me unpack my psyche.

My parents had rules for decorating the tree, and subrules, and subsubrules, rules like "ornaments can't touch the branches" and "two similar ornaments can't be in the same area of the tree" and some ornaments had to go inside and others outside and ornaments couldn't be blue and lights had to be colored and if your Christmas tree lights blinked you were extremely low class and all of it was nightmarish in the end.

As an adult, I have at times tried to decorate my tree in the way an adult is supposed to -- i.e., good-- and those times, too, have been miserable. Once, Sweetie and I strung popcorn. Have you ever strung popcorn? Don't. Popped popcorn kernels are, if you are lucky, about a half-inch in diameter, which means you need about 24 of them to make a foot.

To cover your tree in a popcorn strand, you will need about 20 feet of popcorn.

You do the math. I only just reconciled with my brain and I'm not going to mess that up.

Putting on ornaments takes forever, even if you chuck all those rules and let the kids put them whereever the heck they want, as we did one year. Putting on lights is worse -- especially if you do it the way my dad taught me to do it, the so-called "right way" which I now refer to as "not just more or less draping the lights on the branches because this is stupid and taking forever" the latter method being what I do now, but it still doesn't save much time and you scratch up your arms and get fake-tree-pine-sap in them, which I swear is a real thing that happens to me.

That's right: I believe that my artificial tree has real sap and you won't convince me otherwise.

And for what do I do all that? I put my tree up about a week before Xmas. I take it down the 26th because nothing is more sad than a Christmas tree after Christmas, it's like looking at an orphan starving in the street while you eat a sumptuous meal of whatever it is people who are vague stand-ins for Scrooge metaphors eat when they are embodying those metaphors.

If you google "man eating while
starving orphan looks on" this is
the first image that comes up.
That kind of makes me paranoid, for
some reason.

Scratched arms, shocks from poorly-insulated lights, the tree always leans one way or the other no matter how many "Cosmopolitan" magazines I stack under one side of the stand, all so that I can sit and look at that little dinosaur ornament I bought one year because I was at Target (TM) and saw a dinosaur Christmas ornament and had this conversation with my brain:

Me: Who would want a dinosaur ornament?

Brain: As of this moment, you do.

Me: That's true. I do.

And so we hang a triceratops on the tree when we decorate it with our box of ornaments, which we don't do anymore because we have Mr F and Mr Bunches and so we don't want to hang a bunch of actual, expensive ornaments on the tree in case they break them, so each year we come up with a new, unbreakable, easy-to-do theme for our tree. Last year was "candy canes," and we hung nothing but a variety of candy canes (and lights) on the tree -- hence their inclusion on this list this year -- and the year before was "pictures of the family" and this year it will be something completely different but I'm not going to reveal it yet.

Who should we blame: My parents. They told me that you have to have a Christmas tree, but they also told me you have to do it right if you're going to have one, and so each year I try to have one but each year I fail at the latter part (doing it right, according to their rules) and each year I think next year, I am not doing this, but I do.

The fix: Holographic trees. Wouldn't that be incredible? Just set up your projector and you get a 3-dimensional tree fully decorated in one of 12 different holiday themes, like "Traditional Christmas," "Charlie Brown Christmas" "The Stars & Stripes Forever" or "Women of NASCAR."

4. A Christmas Carol, in whatever #$(#($%&$# form you're stuffing it down my throat.

I mentioned the other day that there's a Batman version of A Christmas Carol and that... is... enough already.

It's a nice little story. Got it. Man is mean, man learns a lesson, Tiny Tim blesses us, shut up.

There are other Christmas stories that you can retell. There are, in fact, people (like me, or almost anyone who reads this blog because if you read blogs you're probably a writer of some sort) who would happily whip you up a new Christmas story, and do it for cheap and it would be pretty good. You can make something Christmas-y just by putting the word Christmas in it, as in:

The Dukes Of Hazzard.

The Dukes Of Christmas.

See what I did there? (I was still sort of thinking of NASCAR. Hey, um, brain? I hate to rock the boat...)

There's simply no need for another version of A Christmas Carol. We have the original. We have the Bill Murray version. All other versions of this story need to be packed into the same vaults where they're keeping all those unwanted Sacajawea coins. Or perhaps the vaults in the caves where they store the government cheese.

Why does our government have so many vaults and caves?

Who should we blame? Not Charles Dickens. All he did was rattle off a crowd-pleasing story to make a little extra money, something he frequently did because Dickens was as fame-and-money-craving as anybody on Jersey Shore, so keep that in mind when you rip on Stephanie Meyers and claim she's just in it to make a buck.

Instead, let's blame every hack writer ever who couldn't come up with an original premise, and let's in particular blame Diablo Cody because I don't like her but I'm going to have to see that Young Adult movie because it looks good, damn her eyes.

The fix: Diablo Cody should use a pen name. And people should continue writing and producing their own books and movies because the publishing machine is crumbling and someday we'll all be our own publishers and we can republish A Christmas Carol verbatim as part of our "Indie Classics" line because it's in the public domain, so it's there for the taking.

Also, this came up when I googled A Sexy Christmas Carol:

5. People who get bugged by saying "Xmas".

As you've seen in this post, I am interchanging Christmas, and Xmas, more or less on a whim. That is because I'm lazy and realized too late that I was doing that, and so now I'm going to claim it's symbolic, that I was trying to make a point...

...Ex post facto claims of symbolism being the only claims of symbolism that are true, in that writers never intend to create symbols. That's not me talking. That's Ray Bradbury, who said that all good symbolism is purely unintentional and when writers try to make something symbolic they screw it up, which proves one thing:

Ray Bradbury reads my blog!

because I said that same thing a while back.

What does this have to do with people who hate the use of Xmas? Nothing. It's just filler. Unless it's symbolic. Which it definitely is. Let's see: Ray Bradbury is the European Central Bank, and symbolism itself is symbolic of man's desire to...

I'll get back to you on that.

Who should we blame? People who hate the use of the word Xmas.

The fix: We should start saying it the way it is written. Today, I want you to go wish someone a Merry Ecksmas.

And then reflect on how similar that is to my son Mr F's use of guck in my post Merry Guckmas! and wonder if I meant to do that all along. Symbolism?

6. Movies/TV shows that try to explain the magic of Santa.

I watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation last night, as I traditionally do this time of year, and noticed that in the cartoon beginning, Rudolph's nose is a radio/beacon of sorts. I watched Disney's Prep & Landing a few years back and saw that they used elves to prep the landing strip for Santa on each rooftop. I watched The Family Guy Xmas Special or whatever it's called and was horrified, but whatever.

Elf showed the elves learning to do computer chips and had Santa's jet-sleigh, with its explanation of Xmas cheer coming from singing or something. Other shows presumably did other things, too, but I can't remember them off the top of my head.

Here's the thing: The less explanation, the better when it comes to things magical. Did J.R.R. Tolkien explain how Gandalf did his "magic," which I put in quotes because Gandalf really did so little magic, didn't he?

J.R.R. Tolkien did not, though, explain how the not-very-magical Gandalf's so-called "magic" (fireworks!) worked.

And did J.K. Rowling explain how Harry Potter did his "magic," which, again, not really doing much of anything. Harry knew, like, three spells, and wasn't very good at those, so The Boy Who Lived was also The Boy Who Was Really Overrated, since in the end Harry's chief power was not dying, which actually makes him a Jesus metaphor, as Harry's death and resurrection made the world safe, so what are those Christians all upset about? In my new religion, you will be free to tell whatever stories you want.

Also: Now, when you eat candy canes, remember that the red is for Harry Potter's blood.

When Tolkien and Rowling did explain magic, it always sucked, didn't it? Why would Sauron put all his power into a ring? What did that gain? And then lose it? He couldn't see that happening? Has anyone ever owned a ring and not immediately lost it, as I said to my wife each time I lost my wedding ring? (It was just the one time, and we were inner-tubing on a river, and there was this scary part where we had to float on inner tubes past an actual biker rally... but I digress.)

'Twas The Night Before Christmas is not a Tom Clancy novel. We don't need technical explanations of how the bag works and whether reindeer's horns follow the Bernoulli principal.

Who To Blame: I'd say Tom Clancy, because if I blame J.K. Rowling she'll sue. She sues everybody. She's sued more people this morning than I will in my lifetime, and I'm the most litigious guy I know.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 16, etc...

Not much time today! So much to do! Hustle! Bustle! I wonder why we say bustle when we say hustle! Is it because it rhymes! That last one was a question but I didn't want to stop using! exclamation! points!

Whew. Now I'm exhausted.

Actually, did you know that hustle & bustle is a peculiarly Christmas expression? I didn't even make that up, although someone else might have made it up. According to a blogger at the Philadelphia Biblical University, and what better source is there than that?,

The phrase “hustle and bustle” has been cliche especially during the Christmas season. Not only has it come to characterize the month of December, but it has also become a good descriptor of our lives as Americans and as college students.

That blogger didn't provide any attribution for his assertion that hustle & bustle is a Christmas Cliche (Xmas Xliche? Sure, why not?) But he did provide a link to another Bible Blogger, Michael, who suggests that we "just be."

Just be. It’s a simple concept. Take time to be alone. Enjoy some quality time with God. Go play outside with some friends. Read a book while reveling in a well-brewed cup of coffee. No plans, no intentions, simply living. With that thought I am off to enjoy some Tolstoy before bed.

The concept of just being actually makes me feel itchy. As much as I long to sit back and relax, whenever I'm actually given a chance to do that I tend to run out and spend an afternoon getting free pizza and looking at stuff, hustling and bustling and remembering that was what I was supposed to be talking about.

Hustle & Bustle is what linguists call an "irreversible binomial," a phrase which proves that linguists aren't too up on their linguistics. By irreversible they mean that the phrase isn't usually reversed, but irreversible means can't be reversed. What linguists really mean is that (a) the phrase hustle & bustle is a not-commonly-reversed binomial and (b) they don't really have any qualifications for real jobs but law school was too hard.

According to Wikipedia, a source only slightly less reliable than Bible Bloggers, "hustle and bustle" is an American expression not commonly used in England. Also not commonly used in the UK but claimed to be a common expression in the U.S.? "Bott's Dot," a phrase for a raised, round, nonreflective pavement marker:

In England, they call those Chaucer Saucers.

Well, they should.

Also: Hustle and Bustle should really be two Christmas imps who wreak mischief on shoppers at a swanky New York store, until they are discovered by the department store Santa, who at first is powerless to stop them until he summons up the real powers of Santa Claus and restores order to Christmas.

So, in conclusion, you can see that the hustle and bustle of the holidays is something or other, etc. etc., ad infinitum. Thank you all for coming today.

Here's the Song: You'll Never Find My Christmas, by Bishop Allen.

And the Santa Or Whatever Of The Day Is...

Gizmo, the Mogwai: So many people forget that Gremlins was a Christmas movie, probably because when you think about Gremlins being a Christmas movie, it turns out that Gremlins is a horrifying Christmas movie in which one character (Phoebe Cates, played by Phoebe Cates) hates Christmas because (as I recall) her dad died by suffocating in a chimney pretending to be Santa Claus.

Gremlins is the only Christmas movie marked by the extinction-by-sunlight of a whole horde of bad guys, or at least the only one my memory hasn't blocked out. But it also featured this scene of gremlins breakdancing and almost shooting Phoebe Cates:

And, in the end [SPOILER ALERT!] Gizmo saves Christmas by opening up the blinds at a local mall, because malls have blinds, and burning all the evil Gremlins in the fountain, thereby making sure that all the mall retailers who were counting on a big after-Christmas sale to make ends meet went out of business and declared bankruptcy.

Ah, the 80s!

Prior songs:

15. The Twelve Days of Christmas, by Bob & Doug McKenzie, plus Bad Santa.

14. When the River Meets The Sea, by John Denver, plus "Doc Bullfrog."

13. All I Want For Christmas, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and The Santa who helped Superman fight Toyman.

12. We Need A Little Christmas, Glee version, and The Holiday Armadillo.

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel, and "The Santa From A Nightmare Before Christmas".

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen

Monday, December 12, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 15, etc...

I think it's safe to say yesterday's Emmet Otter song was the least popular song on this list, which is really saying something considering that one of the songs is a plea to not get shot by Santa Claus.

But I can read the mood of my audience, and so it's time to lighten things up again and cut back on the schmaltz with a song that Grumpy Bulldog Patrick Dilloway reminded me existed, and which is one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time: The Bob & Doug McKenzie Twelve Days Of Christmas:

The best part? When they add "... in a tree" to "And a beer" so that it fits.

I've never been sure what they were singing on some of those -- what with that "Canadian" accent and all-- so I looked up the lyrics, and here is what they get:

A beer.

Two turtle-necks

Three French toast

Four pounds of back-bacon

Five golden tooks,

Six packs of two-four

Seven pack of smokes,

and

Eight comic books

Which still doesn't answer all my questions, such as "what's a golden took," and I tried googling that but got nowhere, so help me out here.

Is it a drug thing? It's a drug thing, isn't it? God, I'm unhip.

In keeping with that theme, though, here's today's Best Santa Or Whatnot, and the one I'm presenting you with today is sure to be controversial: Bad Santa, which I've remarked a few times is one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time.

Bad Santa doesn't have a lot going for him, as a drunk, a loser, a criminal, a reprobate, and a guy who doesn't even know what a Fraggle Stick Car is. But, like all of us at this time of year, Bad Santa learns the real meaning of... well, Christmas, I suppose, but stop and think about that for a second:

What, exactly, is the meaning of Christmas these days? Doesn't it mean whatever good thing you want it to mean? Christmas is now a stand-in for all the emotions we'd like to have all the time: more than just goodwill to men and peace on Earth, (about that latter: see the Christmas Chopper Attack kids' ornament here), Christmas by now stands for pretty much any good thing.

I started thinking that when I re-watched Love, Actually and got to the sign scene where the Lovelorn Guy Who For Some Reason Thinks Keira Knightley is hot tells Keira that he loves her, and notes that he's doing it because

And I thought "Really? At Christmas you tell the truth?"

I hadn't heard that before, and so I started paying attention to what people say Christmas is all about, and it's really about anything.

Christmas is, as I predicted long ago, swallowing up not just every other holiday, but every other good thing in the world. It won't be long before you can just say "Well, it's Christmas, and Christmas is when we balance the checkbook" or "At Christmas, it's tradition to make sure you have an extra piece of pie" or whatever it is you want to justify.

So in Bad Santa, then, Bad Santa learns an Important Christmas Lesson, and heralds the world we are headed to, one in which All Lessons Are Important Christmas Lessons. The Important Christmas Lesson Bad Santa learns is "something about caring about others", as exemplified by his insistence on delivering a stolen stuffed animal to Thurman Merman, and also as exemplified by one of the funniest scenes in Christmas movie history:

Prior songs:

14. When the River Meets The Sea, by John Denver, plus "Doc Bullfrog."

13. All I Want For Christmas, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and The Santa who helped Superman fight Toyman.

12. We Need A Little Christmas, Glee version, and The Holiday Armadillo.

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel, and "The Santa From A Nightmare Before Christmas".

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen

Sunday, December 11, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 14, etc...

Just two weeks 'til Christmas, now, depending, of course, on when you read this. I'm writing it on the morning of Sunday, December 11, which means that two weeks from this moment my Christmas will be all done: we'll have opened the presents and drunk all the egg nog and watched all the Christmas specials and I'll be settling in for a lazy afternoon of chasing Mr Bunches and swinging with Mr F while Sweetie and the older kids go take in a Christmas Day movie.

Sounds nice, doesn't it? In other nice things, last night Mr F and I watched one of my favorite Christmas specials, ever: Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas.

This song isn't particularly Christmas-y, but it was in a Christmas special, and I really like it: When The River Meets The Sea, this version by John Denver:

And today's Best Santa or Santa's Helper? Doc Bullfrog, from that same special. There's SPOILERS ahead, so [SPOILER ALERT!]: After Emmet punches a hole in Ma's washtub, and Ma hocks Emmet's tool box, both done to enter the talent show on Christmas Eve to try to get the $40 prize, some thugs from River Bottom enter their rock band and get first prize, leaving Emmet and Ma and the gang to walk home on the frozen river.

When they stop to sing a song:

(That version being from the stage production of this show), Doc Bullfrog overhears them and offers the band a chance to perform at his restaurant regularly -- saving their Christmas and, probably, their lives, because Ma's washtub and Emmet's toolbox were their only means of support.

It's okay if you're crying a little. Just pretend it's the dust.

Prior songs:

13. All I Want For Christmas, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and The Santa who helped Superman fight Toyman.

12. We Need A Little Christmas, Glee version, and The Holiday Armadillo.

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel, and "The Santa From A Nightmare Before Christmas".

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen

Saturday, December 10, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 13, etc...

I saw this on XKCD yesterday:

And THAT is part of why every year I spend the better part of December providing links to and videos of "nontraditional" Christmas songs that are not those old standards. It's not just that I'm sick of the Baby Boomers defining everything by their existence -- yes, we get it, there are a lot of you, and you're convinced that every single thing you do is symbolic or meaningful, even if it's not and even if everything the Baby Boomers have accomplished in their sadly deluded lifetimes amounts to zero-

Seriously, what have they done? Our grandfathers won World War II and invented antibiotics. Baby boomers invented cocaine and the "SuperCongress." And don't get me started on the Next Generation, my generation, which invented "Nirvana" and Snapple and thus actually made the world worse off than when we were born.

-- but that I'm sick of hearing only about twenty different Christmas songs every year. I took the boys for a drive this morning because Mr F wanted hash browns from McDonalds, and put the Christmas music station on, and heard "Happy Holidays," "Jingle Bell Rock" and "I'll Be Home For Christmas." For the umpteenth time.

Over three years ago I started protesting this by posting songs that weren't old standards, and I'll keep it up until something changes. We all have to have a mission in life, after all.

And with that, here is today's Best Song Of Christmas, etc.:All I Want For Christmas, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs:

And, of course, there's the 10 Best Santas and Whatnot: The Santa who helped Superman fight the Toyman in 'Twas the Fright Before Christmas:

Did you know that Santa has his own DC Comics page? Now, you do. You can find out Santa's history a history that includes a character snorting the ground-up bones of Santa Claus as part of an occult ritual.

Nope. Seriously:

By the account of magus John Constantine, the historical Santa Claus was actually Agios Nikolaus, born in Patara, Lycia (Turkey) in 270 CE. As an adult, Agios was appointed the Bishop of Myra, where he developed a reputation for performing miracles, such as resurrecting the dead. He was also known for his benevolence, charity, and anonymous gifts to the poor. Agios Nikolaus passed away in 343 CE, when he ascended to sainthood. His remains were entombed in Myra ... where they remained undisturbed for centuries.

In 2008, John Constantine located the skeleton of Agios Nikolaus and arranged to have the remains shipped back to England for use in an occult ritual. In order to get the remains through customs, Constantine had them ground into powder and convinced the customs agent that it was gardening fertilizer. He used some of the powder for his ritual, then snorted the rest as if it were cocaine, musing about how it was going to be a "White Christmas".

Which is really not much worse than St. Wenceslas, and we sing about him. There was also a DC Santa known as a cruel slave-driver who was eventually decapitated by the Easter Bunny and had a gorilla roommate:

Because in comics, you can't bring back Uncle Ben, but you can have Santa be involved with an ape.

But in 'Twas The Fright Before Christmas, Santa wasn't an ape-fetishizing reconstituted skeleton at all; he was more akin to the jolly old elf our modern Santas are required to be, and instead simply helped Superman fight the Toyman's evil plot to replace all the toys with hypno-toys that will make the kids go on a stealing spree on Christmas Day.

Superman is helpless to fight the Toyman, as he's been shot down by a "gravity ray" created from a piece of white dwarf star that Toyman bought as a paperweight (really!), and from there, it's Santa's show. From the Superman Homepage:

Back at the North Pole, Superman wakes up to find himself lying in a bed surrounded by elves and Santa Claus. Santa introduces himself, and Superman finds it hard to believe that he never saw Santa's workshop before while flying over the North Pole. However, Santa says that nobody can find his workshop unless he wishes it. Santa and Superman then head into Santa's hi-tech communications center, where every boy and girl in the world is monitored to see if they've been naughty or nice. Then they walk through Santa's workshop, where all the toys are made. This reminds Superman of an old toy he had while he was a baby on Krypton, a thought projecting device. Unfortunately that toy was destroyed when Krypton exploded.

Santa offers to help Superman with the Toyman, since Superman still hasn't recovered from the gravity beam. Santa and Timmy take off in Superman's sled, and Superman quickly joins them when he finds that he is still too weak from the gravity beam to maintain flight on his own.

They quickly reach Metropolis and land on the roof of the building where Santa's monitors tell him the Toyman is hiding out. Superman flies down the chimney and crashes in on the Toyman's lair. The Toyman orders his robotic toys to attack Superman. While Superman would normally beat the toys with no trouble, some of them are armed with a small amount of Kryptonite, making it difficult for him to beat them. Fortunately, Santa comes down the chimney as well, and releases his good toys to attack Toyman's evil toys. With the help of Santa's good toys, Superman is able to beat the Toyman, who is led off by the police. Superman then finds the Toyman's list of everyone who bought his hypnotic toys, and using his super-speed, he rounds them all up. He then returns to Santa and Timmy, to thank Santa for his help in capturing the Toyman. At that moment Timmy's toy ship fires off another gravity beam which hits Superman.

Superman wakes up to find himself lying in the snow at the North Pole, with Timmy huddled over him. Superman is confused, and wondering if his encounter with Santa Claus was all a dream. He flies Timmy home, and then goes to Clark Kent's apartment. He goes to remove his street clothes from his cape pouch, and finds something else in there as well. It's his old thought projector from Krypton, the one that was destroyed. It projects an image of Santa Claus wishing Superman a Merry Christmas.

So. I like to think there's a multiverse where every possible outcome has happened in some universe or other. Which means that in another universe, that story has become the "A Christmas Carol" for people, the story that defines the holiday and is constantly remade and retold, which means in that universe, there was a version of that story in which Bill Murray starred as Toyman and learned a valuable lesson.

Also: It's, I'll admit, a bit creepy to think of Santa spying on kids via secretly-installed cameras, and I wish I'd thought of that before putting this Santa on the list, but it's too late now. I've spent a lot of time writing this and I'm not about to go re-do it just because you have issues.

Prior songs:

12. We Need A Little Christmas, Glee version, and The Holiday Armadillo.

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel, and "The Santa From A Nightmare Before Christmas".

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

Pixy Sticks are like power-ups for grown-ups, and you'll need them for this.

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Gift Card Weekend for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

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You’ll need some energy for all this, so help yourself to my Pixy Sticks.

Friday, December 09, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!: Song 12, and...

So let me explain what's going on, as it may not be entirely clear:

I'm listing 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, in no particular order, and, to make sure I keep a Christmas-esque focus, I've also started listing the "10 Best Santas," but there were 18 days left when I started that portion of it and I'm not sure I can come up with 18 Santas that are worthy of recognition, so I decided to have "Some Stuff To Fill Out The List," stuff which will be kind of like a Santa or something.

It'll all make sense, maybe, in the context of The Holiday Armadillo:

The Holiday Armadillo is, of course, not Santa. But he helps Santa, as Santa's representative for "all the Southern States... and, MEXICO!" And, as Santa's representative, The Holiday Armadillo had the solemn job of explaining Hanukkah to Ross' son on Friends.

No, after all, it doesn't make sense. Anyway, here's today's song, the Glee Version of We Need A Little Christmas:

I love that song. I love almost every version of that song. When I was a kid, my parents would play their Christmas music on 45 lps on the hi-fi behind the dining room table, and one of the songs they played every year was a version of that song. I've heard probably twenty different covers of it over the years, but the Glee version is the first one I've heard that ever fully captured the feeling I got, as a little kid, helping decorate the tree and listening to the singers caroling on about singing carols at the spinnet.

Which, FYI: I used to, when I was younger, think meant "A woman named Carol is someplace called the Spinet" until I realized what they were really talking about.

Prior songs:

11, 10, 9: The Little Drummer Boy, Johnny Cash; What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder; What's This, by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel.

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

Thursday, December 08, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 9, 10 and 11... plus The 10 Best Santas and Some Stuff To Fill Out The List!

Things have not been very Christmas-y over the past few days, what with all the dirty, maybe-not-even-Christmas-y songs and all, and also I was running a few days behind because sometimes I have to work, something that we all could avoid if you'd just go ahead and start sending me money. At least try to shove a $1 bill into the USB port every time you read my blog. I'd appreciate it, and you'll feel better about yourself until you realize that you tried to shove a dollar bill into your laptop.

Anyway, to Christmas things up a bit, I've decided to add, too, a second part to this countdown: I will, on each day, also add in The Best Santas from movies, TV, books, and, heck, if I can find them, the backs of cereal boxes. So now you've got that going for you, too.

And speaking of getting caught up, here's song 9 of 28 Of The Best Christmas Songs, a cover of What's This? by Julia Nunes and Ian Axel:

And now I can introduce the First of the 18 Best Santas And Some Stuff To Fill Out The List, and you probably guessed that the First Best Santa is The Santa From "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

Why? Because he's hardly the Coca-Cola drinking smiling potbellied maybe-elf that modern Christmases have come to expect -- this Santa is a tough, lecture-y Santa who wasn't scared by facing down Oogie Boogie

"Release me now or you must face the dire consequences": He's like James Bond crossed with Gandalf.

That's not song 10, by the way. Even with my extremely loose definition of Christmas carols, that song doesn't cut it. It's just a bonus. Song 10 is What Christmas Means To Me, by Stevie Wonder, the only grown man who can carry the name Stevie and make it seem cool:

And, finishing up with Song 12, the oddly-hipster-esque "The Little Drummer Boy," from Johnny Cash.

That has sort of a beat-poet feel to it, doesn't it? Not hard to picture Johnny doing that number in a coffeehouse wearing a black turtleneck.

Prior songs:

8. Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Vampires are doing all the cool stuff while humans stand idly by... (Indie Book Review)

Indie Book Review is what it sounds like: I ask an indie author 10 1/2 questions about them, their book, and things that are on my mind. What? It didn't sound like that at all? Tough. No refunds.

They're real: Fight them. With those four words, Lucy's grandfather sends her life spinning more out of control than it already was. Having just turned 18 and almost ready to graduate high school, Lucy only thought her life was hard, with her parents fighting and her best friend mad at her. Then a community service sentence lands her at a homeless shelter and she finds her dead grandfather's vampire-fighting kit, and realizes that things are only beginning to get weird.

Blood Calling is the beginning of Lucy's life as a would-be vampire hunter who realizes she knows nothing about vampires. And reading it, I realized I know nothing about vampires, either. I ordinarily hate vampire books -- but this isn't vampire fiction the way most people expect it these days. No sparkling, and no Bela Lugosis, either: In Blood Calling's world, vampires' existence makes sense -- the ins and outs of vampires fit in so perfectly I found myself thinking "Yeah, that's how it would work."

But that's secondary to the compelling story and tight writing: Blood Calling is a fast read because it pulls you into it right away and keeps you reading. Lucy's exploration of the world of vampires is not leisurely: she's pulled and pushed along but rather than being a passive observer, Lucy spends most of her time trying to shape the events around her.

Blood Calling is available on Amazon and Smashwords. The author, Joshua Grover-David Patterson, agreed to answer my 10 1/2 Questions:

About the Book:

1. I was impressed by the almost magical-realism feel you gave vampires, explaining what they use blood for, how their emotions work (or don't) and other realities of day-to-day vampire life. How much time did you spend working out the "rules" for vampires before sitting down to write?

The original idea behind why the vampires ate who they eat came first. *spoilers go here, for those who don’t want to read a very minor twist* The idea of vampires whose “job” is to help people die was a concept with which I had been toying for a while. The “why are vampires like this, anyway?” portion of the story is one that I keep meaning to get into the books, but “Blood Calling” and “Baby Teeth” are both in print, and the sequel to BC, “Misfits,” also is finished, and there wasn’t a place for it. Maybe in part III.

At any rate, once I knew I was going to write this particular vampire story, I realized I was going to have to think about what parts of vampire lore I was going to use, and which I was going to ignore. Holy water? Roses? Crosses? They all went into the trash pile, because I didn’t think my vampires were evil.

Super speed? Super healing? Sure, I figured. That works.

I knew that my vampires were going to get into some vicious fights, and now I knew they would have super healing. But the problem I have with a lot of vampire fiction is that the speed-healing process is a little too magical. You cut off a vampire’s arm, and it comes back, and it doesn’t really affect the vampire. That makes it hard to put them in real peril.

So I decided that damage was healed by vampire blood, and that the worse a vampire was hurt, the more blood it cost the vampire during the healing process.

And everyone knows vampires are dead, so their hearts don’t beat. Which means blood isn’t usually running through their veins, carrying chemicals around, and much of our emotional landscape relies on those chemicals.

That was fun to play with too, because when vampires are hurt (and they get hurt a lot in my books) they get to feel.

Granted, I’m thinking that a lot of my doctor and science-teacher friends would point out that I’m missing a lot of nuance, but, well, it is fiction, and vampires are fictional creatures, so…

2. You created some memorable characters in this book, including not just the protagonist, Lucy, but Emma and Wash, John Smith, of course, and the others. Which character is your favorite, and why?

I have a soft spot in my heart for Lucy, because she spends so much of the book being confused, terrorized, or some combination of the two. I kept shoving many of the emotional minefields teenagers live with (death, friendships, divorce, etc.) at her and as a character she had to blindly push through it. By the end of the book, she has lost everything with which she is familiar. And yet? She endures.

That said, my favorite character is Emma, because she managed to save not just one, but two stories (Baby Teeth and Blood Calling).

I was writing both stories at the same time, and I had hit a wall with both. In “Baby Teeth,” I needed someone to show up and shake the story up a bit (I’m trying not to give too much away). In “Blood Calling,” I had two problems to solve:

I had the “underpowered human” problem. I see this in vampire stories all the time. The human is telling the story, and it is the human’s story, but the vampires are doing all the cool stuff while the human stands idly by. Because otherwise, the human probably will end up dead.

Tied to that issue was the “man” problem. Too many stories of this nature, unfortunately, end up with the man coming in and solving all the story complications. I love the character of Wash with all my heart. I think he’s a great guy. But I just couldn’t have him spend the entire book being a hero and ordering Lucy around.

And then this short, somewhat acerbic woman came into my mind, and I realized she could solve all my problems. I even knew what era she came from, and I had an idea of who she “really” was.

Of course, if I’m totally honest, having three primary characters also puts the reader into a kind of unease, because that means one of them might not make it through the book. (Which I considered for a long time… I’ll let people read it and find out who lives and who dies.)

In the end, all three of the main characters have fans, which makes me happy, because it means they’re all “real” people. Emma, however, has far and away become the fan favorite. I plan to give her at least a novella, and maybe a novel of her own. Someday.

3. The fight scenes in the book are incredible; I can't recall a literary fight scene that had such a vivid, kinetic feel as the ones you write. What's your secret?

That’s very kind of you to say, because writing action is so, so, so hard for me.

When I sit down to type, I usually have the next big chunk of story affixed in my mind before I begin. I know (mostly) what everyone is going to say, and what they’re going to do.

But with action scenes, I know the winner and the loser, and maybe one or two “events” in the middle to serve as touchstones. And then I have to slog through every single solitary motion. I quite literally have to do this (warning, this is kind of dull):

“Okay, Character has to get into Place, but to do that, Character would have to jump, and that’s kind of lame and someone else already did that. So maybe Character can throw Another Character through the window, only Character is on the third floor, so there’s plummeting. And it’s X time of day, and that’s going to have Y effect. But that can work, because Z can happen to Character, which is both kind of fun and very dangerous for Character, and puts Character at a disadvantage, which has a certain dramatic potential.

And once Character is in Place, and X and Y have happened, and Z has happened, then Character will have to accomplish Goal…”

Usually by the time I get that far, I have to stop thinking ahead, because I won’t remember what comes next. Then I have to transcribe everything that was just in my head onto the page.

That two-paragraph thought process can end up being anywhere from three to ten pages, depending on who needs to explain what to whom, what has to be described (the window, the throw, the plummet, the landing) and whether there’s some kind of emotional component that also needs to be explained.

By the time I get to the little ellipse I left up there, I have to figure out the next Impossible Task my Character needs to accomplish so my Character can get to the next little part of the plot. As an author, I constantly find one of my characters saying, “We really, really, really shouldn’t go there.” Then I send them where they really shouldn’t go.

It gets ugly.

About You:

4. You mention in the afterword using some music to write "Blood Calling" to. What is your favorite song/band/music to write to, and why?

I can’t write while listening to music anymore, because it distracts me way too much. What does tend to happen is that whatever I’ve been listening to throughout the day (which I often deliberately choose) has a direct effect on what I’m writing.

As I say at the end of “Blood Calling,” I wrote it with the music of Cobra Starship banging around in my head. I always think about borrowing lines from one of their songs, but whenever I try it comes out awkwardly, and I’m forced to change it to actual human-speak.

But I digress. While the actual words of the songs never made it into the text of the novel, a lot of the songs’ energy did.

5. Among your film writing credits are "Searching For Mr. Right.com." What do you find more fun to do: write a screenplay or a novel?

Lately I’ve found myself drawn to novels mostly because when you’re done, they’re complete in and of themselves.

The trouble with a screenplay is that once you’ve finished writing it, it still needs to turn into an actual movie. That takes time, and money, and a group of talented people, not all of which will see the movie exactly the way you do. So they’ll change things, some for the better, some for the worse.

And if you can’t convince someone to make the movie, or raise the money yourself, then the screenplay becomes nothing. I’ve written a few “became nothing” scripts now, and it weighs on you after a while.

Once a novel is done, you have choices. You can find a publisher. You can put it online as an ebook. You can email copies of it to people, if that’s all you want to do, and they can read it, and not wonder what it would look like if it actually got made.

All that said, I’ve been hoping to get a couple more screenplays turned into movies in the coming years. But we’ll see how that goes.

6. Your blog "But The Third One Was Great," provides in-depth analysis of sequels to horror movies. What attracted you to writing exclusively about the SEQUELS?

I have a strange love of underdog media material. The one-hit-wonder band whose CD has that song everyone knows, and a bunch of other wonderful songs no one knows. The brilliant author who keeps getting books on the shelf, but struggles in obscurity when not enough people read them.

Movie studios mostly think of horror movies this way: They’re that thing that they spend almost no money on, because, you know, icky, and then they put them out and they make a bunch of cash, but the studio is never really proud of them.

But once one of the movies makes money, the studio is usually happy to cough up a little more money to make another one, because once a movie is out, it’s out forever, and it always will make more money. And a person who watches part 1 and likes it is liable to come back for parts 2, 3, and 154.

The thing is, you don’t find a lot of non-horror franchises that kick out six or seven sequels. You’re never going to find “The King’s Speech, Part VI” on Netflix. They will probably make a “The Hangover, Part III,” but they’ll never get up to Part VIII. The only recent series that comes the closest is “American Pie,” which is about to get a part IV, and has a bunch of direct-to-video spin-offs that only tie tangentially to the original story.

But horror movies, man. The series keeps having to go on, and on, and on, frequently with different writers and directors who pick and choose what to keep from the earlier stories, and what is best forgotten.

So you get strange dead ends, like in the “Elm Street” series, which has one movie where Freddy actually comes into the real world. Except that in all the movies that follow it, he can’t, and no one ever talks about why he managed it that one time.

And you find actors like Naomi Watts in Children of the Corn IV, in her first starring American role.

When you find a gem (Children of the Corn III is pretty great, except for the end when they’ve clearly run out of money and appear to be using a giant rat puppet) it’s like a magical discovery. And when the movies wander off the rails (Sleepaway Camp II and III) they can be entertaining for various and sundry other reasons.

As for the blog itself, it’s partly written out of love, and partly written the way I imagine MST3K would look on the printed page.

Stuff I Just Feel Like Asking About:

7. Since you wrote "Searching For Mr. Right.com," answer this: If you met your loved one through internet dating, should you be up front and admit to people how you met? Why or why not?

It’s funny you ask this, as my in-laws and my wife and I were just talking the other day about how many of our friends met on the internet. To date, we know three married couples, and one couple that’s living together.

All of them are very normal, non-alternative-lifestyle people. So I doubt I would have any trouble admitting how I met my spouse, had I met her online. (For the record, we met in college.)

8. What's your theory on why we eat candy canes at Christmas but no other time?

Apparently, you’ve never met my daughter, who has a special treat tin that we introduced when she was learning to use the potty. There are candy canes in there that got used all throughout the year.

We also have a couple of local candy shops that specialize in the odd nooks and crannies of the sugar world, including a dozen or so candy cane variations. So my family eats those all throughout the year.

That said, I’d guess the reason we only sell them around Christmas is that it’s the only time we have a convenient place to hang them.

9. You wake up one morning and find yourself with the ability to perform any one spell that Harry Potter learned in school. Which spell do you choose, and why?

You know, I’ve read all the books (most of them twice) and seen all the movies at least once each, and I can’t think of more than a handful of spells used in the books.

Ah. I just looked up a listing online. Turns out there aren’t all that many. I suppose I’d probably pick Repairo, since it gives me the option to fix anything that needs fixing. That’d save me some money on car insurance.

The Impossible Question:

10. "Untriseptium" is a name given to the as-yet-undiscovered element 137 on the Periodic Table Of The Elements: According to what we now understand about science, if Element 137 exists, it will be the last element to be discovered, because any element with an atomic number greater than 137 would need its electrons to be traveling faster than the speed of light; when Element 137 is discovered, it will be renamed and put to use.

Since the Large Hadron Collider recently discovered particles that appear to move faster than the speed of light, you now get the honor of re(naming) untriseptium and marketing it. So what would you call it, and how would you use it?

You’d think I’d be creative and come up with a clever answer here, wouldn’t you? I’d probably call it “Lameossium” and sell it to teenagers in tiny vials that attach to necklaces, as a symbol of their inner pain. Because, of course, it indicates they are “slow” and will never be one of the “luminous.”

I worry about myself when I write stuff like this.

THE HALF QUESTION: FINISH, AND THEN ANSWER, THIS QUESTION:

1/2: "But in my other pocket..."

I’m having a flashback to “The Hobbit.” It’s like a lost section with Gollum. “What’s in my pocket? How about my other pocket?”

Howzabout: I keep my wallet in this pocket. But in my other pocket, I have a Swiss Army Knife. Name one use for it that doesn’t involve using one of the tools or blades on it.

Answer: Paperweight.

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Joshua Grover-David Patterson is a freelance writer, screenwriter and blogger. His articles on pop culture, film and the Internet have appeared in The Post-Crescent, Bull magazine, delight! magazine and Film Threat. Patterson's films have won 13 awards and appeared in 29 film festivals worldwide, including in Japan, Australia, Hungary, Norway, the UK and throughout the United States. Patterson lives in Wisconsin with his wife and their daughter.

You can follow him on Twitter, or Like him on Facebook or follow his book blogging at Everybody Thinks They Can Write.

10% of all his book profits go to the nonprofit organization Ethiopia Reads.

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Nobody's too busy to say Merry Christmas to two wonderful little boys who have been in and out of the hospital all their short lives, are they?

Mateo and McHale were born conjoined twins, joined at the spine, on May 10, 2006. When they were just over three years old, they underwent a 19-hour surgery, that successfully separated them, an operation that required more than 100 specialists to plan and perform. Both boys have undergone dozens of surgeries in their short lifetimes. They were given almost no chance to survive and yet they're still going strong.

I'm asking you to go wish them a Merry Christmas; they have a site at "Caring Bridge," and you just have to go there, find the guestbook, and sign it with a Merry Christmas! It takes less than 2 minutes, and once you do it, you'll be eligible to win a $20 gift card.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE SHAWS' CARING BRIDGE SITE, and then click the 'guestbook' link to say Merry Xmas!

Monday, December 05, 2011

28 Days of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 8:

Apropos of nothing, did you know that even as we speak scientists are trying to clone a woolly mammoth?

I know, that's kind of old news, given that they started last January, but the news is breaking today that they think it'll be done within 5 years, and I just thought it would be cool to mention it.

Did you know, also, that you can get 8-1 odds on when the mammoth will actually be cloned? And there are 100-1 odds on Ireland being the first country to have a mammoth in their zoo. What's so bad about the Irish? Even Lapland is only 14-1, and they're not even a country, I'm pretty sure.

In case you're a betting man/woman, that is.

Here's today's song: Taste The Coast, by Admiral Fallow:

I'm not sure, having looked at the lyrics, what that song has to do with Christmas, which means between yesterday and today's, we're getting sort of further afield than I'd intended, but that song was included on a compilation of Christmas songs available from a retailer, and so apparently other people think it's a Christmas song, and, let's face it: If "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells" and "Good King Wenceslas" are Christmas songs, then pretty much anything is a Christmas song.

Also: I was, as expected, totally right about that whole "Lapland is not a country" thing. But it is, apparently, Santa's hometown according to the beginning of this video:

I didn't watch the rest. I'm tired. It's been a long day. Go read about the horrifying story behind Good King Wenceslas and see if that doesn't change your mind about what is, or is not, a Christmas Carol.

Prior songs:

7. Dringo Bell, Mediaeval Babes

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

28 Days Of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 7:

It's Dringo Bells, by Mediaeval Babes, and that ae combination in Mediaeval is supposed to be that combined ae thing that will probably be all the rage once people realize that just tacking an e onto things no longer denotes a sufficient level of fanciness.

To be honest, I don't even know if this is a Christmas song at all. I tried to find out what a Dringo Bell might be, because it sounded like it was maybe an old-world Christmas-y thing (or Christmaes-y thing), but I like it, and, also although it can be hard to make out, this song is dirty as all get out. But you can still play it around Grandma and tell her it's church music, and have your own little inside joke. Aren't you funny, you.

Prior songs:

6. Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillside

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

28 Days of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 6:

I stumbled across this song this morning while looking for another song entirely. I've never heard it before, but the combination of the upbeat, happy melody, the fact that it manages to be religious in a new and fun kind of way -- I'm actually a religious guy, although I don't beat people over the head with it -- and it sort of reminds me of The Safety Dance won me over. It's Born Is The King (It's Christmas) by Hillsong. No idea who they are, but give it a listen even if you're not a religious person. I think you'll like it.

Prior songs:

5: Tijuana Christmas by The Border Brass

4. Christmas Griping, REM

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen.

Friday, December 02, 2011

28 Days of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 5:

Here's the newest thing I'm told is going around on the Internet. Don't get your hopes up; it's another Star Wars Reference, and, honestly, not a very good one:

I mean, when I heard "Grinch" crossed with "Star Wars," I had high hopes, but that's just a music video of the Grinch song set to scenes featuring Darth Vader. Sure, the editing is a little higher-quality than you'd expect from most mash-ups -- it synchs up pretty well -- but given that everyone and their brother can make a Star Wars reference, shouldn't we expect a little more out of them?

Off the top of my head, I could think of a bunch of more interesting setups for such a combination. What about:

The Grinch vs. Darth Vader: After restoring Christmas to Whoville, the Grinch is relaxing in his Who-house, when he's visited by Darth Vader, who threatens to steal Christmas all over again and destroy it with (why not?) a third Death Star? The Grinch tries to fight Vader, but lets himself be cut down, only to guide Little Cindy Lou Who (now a hot, 25-year-old starfighter pilot Who) into destroying the Death Star, with Max as her astrodroid. You could even have an updated "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" song done as a duet between the Grinch and Vader (to the tune of the original song)

Vader: You're a mean one, Mr Grinch. You really are a heel.

Grinch: I used to be all heelish but now I'm more good-feelish,

Vader: Mr Grinch!

Grinch: You're a half-machine monster, you're the one who is EVIL!

That's awesome, as all my ideas are. Or how about

Star Wars Universe Presents: The Who Wars. After turning Christmas back over to the Whos, the Grinch retires to his mountainside cave and plans to live out his life in peaceful retirement, eating Roast Beast and knitting clothes for the Whos. But the next Christmas eve, before the Grinch can travel down the mountain for the feast, he is visited by Yoda, who tells him that Christmas won't happen that year, because Santa has been kidnapped! When the Grinch inquires who could have done such a dastardly deed, Yoda reveals that the Empire has reached even this Seussian outpost, and that the Whos are in fact the next generation of clones, set to replace stormtroopers. All they await is activation, which will turn them from singing, happy Whos into cold-blooded killers. Darth Vader has captured Santa and will tonight be going house to house, setting an ornament on each Christmas tree that, when the Whos awake in the morning, will pulsate and activate them.

Only Santa, with his magical abilities, could have stopped Vader -- or so Vader thought, because he forgot that the Grinch was every bit as fast as Santa. Setting out once again with Max and his trusty sleigh, the Grinch steals through the night in Whoville, following in the footsteps of Vader and collecting up the ornaments, leaving behind Christmas presents.

Then, armed with an entire bagful of ornaments, the Grinch transforms his sleigh into an X-wing and flies it to (why not?) a third Death Star, where he relies on his instincts instead of the targeting device he knitted, and manages to shoot the entire sackful of ornaments into a small exhaust port not much bigger than a womp rat. The combined ornaments' ... um... fusion-powered violet hypno beams (why not?) ... transform the effect and turn the current stormtroopers into charming Whos!

See? It's not even hard, people. Here's today's song: Tijuana Christmas, by The Border Brass. I was looking for some Herb Alpert but it turns out he's really bad at Christmas music. So I went with this:

Thursday, December 01, 2011

28 days of Christmas, 28 of the Best Christmas Songs, 4

Hey, guess what! Christmas, free expression, the Constitution, and Jesus are all safe for another year!

I know, you didn't know they were in danger, but that's because you are a godless secular humanist pervert who probably says things like Happy Holidays and would prefer not to have statues of the Ten Commandments in every courtroom. Jerkface, you.

But two "national" "religious" groups, the Christian Defense Coalition and Faith and Action, did know that Christmas and God and the like were under heavy attack (Christians haven't really needed defending since they were being fed to the lions, but whatever) and they did the one thing that was absolutely necessary to save Christmas and the Constitution (both of which, we know, having been issued by heavenly decree.)

They marched around the Capitol yesterday!

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and pass the meaningless protests that actually do more harm than good!

From "The New American":

It’s no secret that Christmas has been under attack by secular groups for the past several years, with court challenges to nativity scenes becoming nearly as much a seasonal tradition as the crèches that have graced cathedrals, churches, and chapels for more than a century throughout America.

This year two national religious organizations, the Christian Defense Coalition and Faith and Action, decided to take the fight for Christmas all the way to the Supreme Court — not with a legal challenge, but with a live nativity scene set up for all to see in front of the nation’s judicial building.

The November 30 display, which included live animals along with actors in key roles from the biblical account of Christ’s nativity, was actually a parade of sorts that wended its way past the U.S. Capitol building before arriving in front of the Supreme Court building before noon.

A press release by the groups explained that the display was part of the “Nativity Project,” a nationwide campaign designed “to share the message of Christmas and also to confront the erosion and hostility toward public expressions of faith, especially during the Christmas season.”

Did you get that? Some major "religious" groups are spending time and effort and money marching around with live animals.

Not feeding the hungry, or tending to the sick or gathering donations for the poor. Screw the sick and hungry and poor! they are saying we need to defend our right to make meaningless, overly-pious displays of how religious we are!

Wouldn't they do more good if, instead of having a camel piddle on the steps of the Supreme Court, they had, I don't know, set up a donation center for warm clothes and toys to give to the needy?

There is, after all, a difference between being religious in the showboaty, holier-than-thou, not-really-practicing-what-they-preach way these groups are being religious, and actually being religious. From what I recall about the Bible, Jesus didn't spend a lot of time worrying about things like whether a Christmas tree is a Christmas tree.

Let me put it more bluntly: "Nativity Project"? You're a bunch of assholes. Every minute you spend marching around public squares is a minute you could've spent actually helping people, but you wasted that minute and if I were Jesus, I'd let you have it when I didn't let you into Heaven. So it's a good thing for you I'm not Jesus. (It's probably a good thing for everyone I'm not Jesus.)

Today's song: Christmas Griping, REM.

I wasn't actually going to post this, but Sweetie liked the beat.

Prior songs:

3. A Christmas Waltz, She & Him

2. Don't Shoot Me, Santa, The Killers

1. Snoopy's Christmas, The Royal Guardsmen.

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